Tonight is one year since the death of my younger sister from ovarian cancer. We were close and planned to retire to a duplex in Florida together. We used to call each other and watch old movies on TV while on the phone. The last 18 months have been horrible and I don't think I am handling my grief well. My board recently informed me during my performance evaluation that I am "disconnected" from them since the death of my sister and that happy shiny me better show up soon or I'll be out on the street. However, operationally and financially, we're in excellent shape.

One Board member told me that at my level of responsibility, I need to leave my personal feelings at the door and another Board member suggested I "get a massage."

I've always loved my job, but am feeling resentful towards those who haven't lost someone dear to them and keep telling me things like "she's in a better place" and "she'd want you to be happy."

My best friend recently suggested seeing a counselor of some sort, but I don't see myself benefitting from that. I do think I'd benefit from telling a few people what to do with their advice, but I need to work. I keep thinking that if I just push through each day that eventually I will feel better though I'll always miss my sister.

Do any of you who've experienced a heart-wrenching loss have any ideas on how I can better cope with my grief?

I lost my mom to ovarian cancer five years ago. Every person handles their grief differently. I was in a funk for about a year not quite sure what to do with myself. I am very thankful for my friends and my family that propped me up when I needed it. I got through it and got back to myself but it was a very difficult period in my life. That being said...in hindsight I sometimes wish that I would have sought out a counselor or my pastor or at the very least a grief support group.

While I don't necessarily agree with the way your Board handled the situation sometimes we need someone from the outside to say, listen, time to get some help. And there is certainly nothing wrong with asking for help. My heart goes out to you.

My heart wrenching loss was not through death, but rather losing my husband by divorce. So, while I know that's a totally different type of loss, there was still much grieving to be done. I would highly recommend counseling. Whether it's with a pastor, a psychologist or other counselor. There are many very valid stages of grief and sometimes we need help in recognizing our emotions as we pass thru thru those stages. You need someone to help you in coping, validating your feelings...offering wisdom that we are unable to grasp on our own sometimes.
And I am so very sorry for your loss.. I'll be praying for you.

Does your employer offer an employee assistance program? We have one and the employee can obtain free, confidential counseling when its needed. Perhaps you could contact HR and ask them about it. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sisters are special - they know way too much about you and are really the only ones who understand what makes you tick.

We don't have an EAP, but I have great health insurance that would cover counseling with just a small co-pay. I'm uncomfortable with the thought of crying in front of someone else, and know I couldn't keep myself from crying once I start talking. I'm crying just typing this.

Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it.

Big Sis - Your post made me want to close my door and just cry. I lost my big sis in a car accident 4 1/2 years ago. My sis was my best friend. We should have grown old together. We were Air Force Brats, born 14 months apart, that moved often, meaning that no matter where we were, we always had each other.

You know...I don't remember the year that followed her death. On the second anniversay of her death I went out of town, saying that I had to get away on this one year anniversary. Bless my heart - it was about 6 months later that I remembered it was the second anniversary rather than the first. That is when I realized that I had lost of year of my own memory. My brains way of dealing with it, I guess.

I do think of my sister every day that goes by. I will always have that feeling that something is missing in my life, but, for me, that debilitating pain did go away.

It was suggested too, by multiple sources, that I get counceling, but that is not something with which I was comfortable at the time. I was in such bad shape that I really thought if I let it all out that I would never be able to pull it back together again. If I had to do it over - I think I would probably speak with someone as Sarah said.

Perhaps you should think about talking to someone. There is a chance it will help and you will be able to deal with it easier. I'll be thinking of you.

I abruptly lost my mother to suicide ten years ago this upcoming winter, so I can understand that loss as well. The hurt and pain did go on for sometime, and everyone grieves in their own way, and in their own time.

That said, if a year later you are still feeling this pain, and it appears that it is affecting your work and friendships, then I think it might behoove you to seek out some other avenue to explore your feelings. Your Board was doofish in how they expressed their concern, but they do feel it is comprimising your work, and it appears they are being kind enough to give you some time and space to work on it, in an assbackwards sort of way.

As you stated, even your best friend sounds like she is encouraging you to seek some help. Pushing through each day does not sound like it is working for you.

I echo those who have already spoken: now appears to be the chance to explore another avenue in working with your grief, whether that be a counselor, a pastor, or grief/support group. If one is not working, try another, and another until it feels right, or you can feel you can trust to whomever you are working with.

IMO though, to feel this this much grief still a year later is a sign that something is not right. I encourage you to open yourself to some counseling or group support.

Let me give you a man's perspective - no 2 people grieve teh same way. If you are crying as you type this, then you definitely would benefit from counseling. It may take you 2 or 3 attempts to find one you are comfortable with, but you will be surprised with the progress you can make in just 1 session. You may not be aware of it, but you are holding an immense amount of grief, and likely some guilt, that you don't know how to cope with. A counselor can lead you through this. You will always miss your sister, but those memories are always yours.

Please go see someone, life is too short to go through grieving.

Big Sis,

Is there anything your sister had a special interest in that you could perpetuate in a larger community setting? This would give you a way to honor her life and friendship and have a postive influence on the lives of others.

My wife and I experienced the death of an infant son in 1997. I wrote a book related to that experience to help other parents (see my blog), and my wife helped start (and now runs) a non-profit organization to help mentor families who have children with special needs or have also lost a child.

Hope this helps.

::hugs:: Luckily, I have not had to deal with anything of this magnitude in quite some years. It is always difficult losing someone you love, especially when you are so closely connected with them.
However, you must remind yourself daily that though we may not like it, we can not change what has happened. All things happen for a reason. And, believe me...she is in a far better place than the one we are in.
As mentioned above, perhaps expending some energy towards a passion of your sister's could be liberating.
I think you've been in a fog, which is certainly understandable. But, you are starting to see sparks of light and need to find a way out!
And, NEVER be afraid to talk about your feelings or cry!!! Crying is a cleansing of the soul and ultimately, a necessity in life.
Bottom line...Your close friend and sister has passed on and is no longer with you physically. I say phsically because you have the chance to help her live on mentally/spiritually not only in your life but the lives of others. Embrace her life!!

Personally, I did not follow my own advice by talking to a counselor or priest, or join any group, but I talked to anyone that would listen to me...

There were a few months there that if you asked me how I was doing, you heard! Chances are you got the whole story from two days before I got "the call" thru the memorial service six days later!

I can still vividly recall the stunned and horrified face on the poor soul that I cornered and spilled my guts to in the produce section of grocery store one day... I dunno if that poor lady wanted to run or cry or both, but dammit I felt better

Hugs to you. I lost my brother 5 years ago and it took me 3 solid years to find some peace inside my heart. No one and I mean no one can tell you how long it will take to find peace. At times I still get choked up if the family is talking about him. Once in awhile I still get angry with God but I also pray a lot for his help. My heart will always hurt but like I said I have some peace now.

I had bad days at work but I somehow managed to get my work done. I am so sorry for you and what you are going through. I wish I had an answer for you.
I hope you find your peace one day.

I just want to add that if someone hasn't moved an inch in the grieving process or has stopped altogether and is destroying their life then outside help is needed. Unfortunately, you can keep telling that person they need help but they have to see it too and take those steps to get help.

I can relate on several levels. I lost my brother 18 years ago and can understand the sense of loss. Currently, I am feeling what seems like an even greater sense of loss with the end of my 20 year marriage. I am typing this alone in a big house with virtually no furniture.

You need to get on the phone with a counselor NOW. I too am was a very private person and never thought that I could talk with anyone like that until I started going to marriage counseling. While the counseling did not work (my soon to be ex was not honest with the counselor and refused to listen to her recommendations) it did show me that speaking with a professional about my problems could be helpful. The counselor could not save my marriage, but she did help me personally. Once you get about half way through the first appointment you will see that you should have done this long ago.

There was a time (before counseling) when I would never have discussed my problems with anyone. Now I am like Just Jay - I tend to spill my guts to anyone who will listen (as evidenced by my posts on this site). Some people at work have stopped asking me "How are you today?" I think some of my co-workers may stage an intervention soon to get me into individual counseling just so they won't have to hear about it any more!

Please seek help, it's not just your board who notice what's been going on and it's not just your job that this is having and effect on.

Good Luck and God Bless

Yesterday was the fourth anniversary of my brother's death. The pain is now less intense. I remember the good things with a sad smile that I won't be adding more memories but grateful for the ones I have.

I'm not good with counseling. But I have a tight network of family and friends that listened and loved me through his death. If I hadn't been able to cry and say whatever I wanted and needed to them, I would have been in a counselor's office in nothing flat.

Counselors, especially those who specialize in grief counseling have seen hundreds of people cry. They know what to say and how to say it to help you accept your sister's death and move on with your life.

Your sister would be furious if she knew that her death was jeopardizing your job and your life. It's not easy but it's time. There's help for you. You just have to reach out for it. You've started by coming here. Now go find someone who can help you the rest of the way. please...for you...and to honor your sister's memory.

Big Sis, I think the consensus is unamimous. I just want to echo what many have already said. You need to seek some sort of counceling.

My wife and I loss our first child just minutes after birth. I didn't want to talk about it, but could tell my wife really needed to. So we sought our our pastor, He and some other ladies in the church who had gone through the same thing really helped, not to mention the prayer and support of family.

I tried counseling once after I lost someone close to me and had exhausted my other friendly resources. But it wasn't much help except to give me a place to cry every other week. It didn't lessen my grief any; and I finally stopped going when he tried to refer me to someone else. After I lost another close friend nearly a year later, I didn't bother with counseling.