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#1294562 - 11/27/09 05:07 PM Advice from those who don't want children, please.
Ops Offline
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Every time my husband and I are at a family function or a big gathering of friends, we're bombarded with the question, "When are you two going to have kids?" How do(did?) y'all answer? It gets really old, and I don't want to leave it open for discussion. It annoys me that people even ask.. it's none of their business! I'm tired of the response, "You'll change your mind.. you're still young." Any words of wisdom?

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#1294662 - 11/27/09 06:07 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. Ops
KTMiteComply Offline
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only if I want to....
I have a friend that has been in the same situation as you Ops... I don't know what is the best advice my friend! It's such a personal sensitive issue. Not having been there and just thinking about it I "think" I would try to just laugh it off and say to them that you guys just love loving everybody else's kids (if you do that is wink laugh )but don't think that path is the right path for you guys. If somebody just keeps on about it over and over, then take them aside personally and tell them that it just really distresses you to constantly have to discuss such a personal issue all the time, you and your husband are after all adults.

I believe "most" people truly mean well, but unfortunatly we tend to go about it wrong! frown They think they are "offering you advice or words or wisdom" but in truth we end up hurting you instead. Or maybe whenever we don't walk a certain path, we just don't fully understand, and that's our own fault for falling in the trap of thinking everybody is the same, and we are not... As with my friend, in time most people (especially family & friends) will let it go....

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I pray you find some peace with the situation my friend. smile
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#1294669 - 11/27/09 06:11 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. KTMiteComply
rlcarey Offline
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Just get a look of misery on your face and tell them you can't have kids - then break down crying. They will never ask the question again I can guarantee. Make them feel like the heels that they are.
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#1294679 - 11/27/09 06:20 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. rlcarey
HRH Okie Banker Offline
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Originally Posted By: rlcarey
Just get a look of misery on your face and tell them you can't have kids - then break down crying. They will never ask the question again I can guarantee. Make them feel like the heels that they are.


Coming from experience - I can tell you that the information is "Need to Know" and by golly those same people will need to know -

"Who's fault is it - your or your husbands?" or
"Why can't you have kids?" or
"You should try the doctor that my cousin's best friend's niece's sister-in-law went to..."
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#1294706 - 11/27/09 06:36 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. rlcarey
Ops Offline
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KT, thanks for your response. I agree that most people probably mean well, but I see this as a very personal decision.. I guess I'm just surprised other people don't see it the same way. Maybe I have this view because the question comes from folks who don't know us very well.

Originally Posted By: rlcarey
Just get a look of misery on your face and tell them you can't have kids - then break down crying. They will never ask the question again I can guarantee. Make them feel like the heels that they are.


A man would probably react that way, but women want to know all details like Okie Banker said.

Maybe I should write a "Dear Abby," letter. laugh

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#1294716 - 11/27/09 06:48 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. Ops
DD Regs Offline
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Somewhere in the middle
We were married 8 years before we had our first kid. All our friends and relaives were having kids and we got the quetion all the time.

"When you going to have kids..." My answer... Whenever I can slip one past the goalie.

"Are you having problems..." My Answer...I don't know, do you mind coming over and coaching me through this, make sure I am doing things right.


My wife got tired of my answer favorite answer...."I just really like practicing making babies and want to make sure I get it right."
Last edited by DD Regs; 11/27/09 06:49 PM.
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#1294723 - 11/27/09 06:51 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. Ops
BurntSienna Offline
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I'd either go with a breezy "We are currently childless by choice and very happy - thanks for asking!" (and then completely ignore the inevitable "oh you'll change your mind" comments with a polite smile and don't say another word). Or else try a stunned "Oh, dear! I wouldn't DREAM of discussing such an intensely personal issue in such a public way!" Get a shocked look on your face and walk away from the insensitive clod.

It's incredibly impolite and thoughtless for people to ask these sorts of questions. I'm sure they mean well, but these types of situations can be incredibly annoying and/or painful for many couples. My prayers are with you that you can put up with these goofballs with grace and not let it bug you!

If you *really* don't know them very well, why not pretend you don't speak English and don't understand their questions? J/K laugh
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#1294732 - 11/27/09 06:58 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. BurntSienna
Lissa P. Offline
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I'm slowly learning that the less I say, the better off I am. We really don't have to explain anything to anyone that is not a part of the decision making process.

Try a simple "No thanks..."

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#1294741 - 11/27/09 07:10 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. Lissa P.
Becka Marr Offline
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You could try sarcasm: "You know, we are NEVER going to have children because we would just miss hearing that question from you too much!"
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#1294767 - 11/27/09 07:35 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. Becka Marr
Tigg Offline
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...or tell them "Gee, I've seen your kids and really don't want to make the same mistake!" J/K


My husband and I went through this for a number of years while trying to get pregnant. As it were - babies were not meant to be for us. We are comfortable with this. We love each other and know that that is enough.

that said - those who you love and are a close part of your life know your decision and should quit asking. Those who aren't shouldn't assume what you and your husband believe to be a fulfilling marriage (kids or no kids). Never feel guilty about your choices or feel the need to explain. It's YOUR life. Live it the way you choose.
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#1294793 - 11/27/09 07:54 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. Ops
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Tell them you're a Visitor and the thought of possibly bringing a huma-lizard into this world is too much to bear
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#1295266 - 11/30/09 01:08 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. Peepers
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Having been in your situation VolOps, I understand what you are going through. Goldenrod has a great suggestion...after a while it will stop. I found that the family took the hint first, and it was friends that ended up asking the longest especially those that you don't see very often.
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#1295267 - 11/30/09 01:38 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. TB 12
RR Becca Offline
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out of the frying pan...
VolOps - that question is the single biggest reason that we don't go to family gatherings. In fact, last time his mother put up a big fuss about why we 'never come home,' I told her point blank "because we're tired of being badgered about kids." It let up some after that. In social situations I usually smile and say, "because my sister's children scare me." It's true. They're awful, and anyone who knows my sister just smiles and nods.
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#1295269 - 11/30/09 01:50 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. RR Becca
waldensouth Offline
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This falls in the same category as "what, you're not married YET!?" why haven't you married - translated as "what's wrong with you?"

"I haven't met the right man" - "oh you're too picky" ARGHHHHH! People simpy have no couth.
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#1295515 - 11/30/09 06:02 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. waldensouth
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Sorry Beth! I will stop pestering you!!!!!
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#1295553 - 11/30/09 06:47 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. RR Becca
RR Jen Offline
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Originally Posted By: RR Becca
I usually smile and say, "because my sister's children scare me." It's true. They're awful, and anyone who knows my sister just smiles and nods.


If my sisters had children first, I never would have had any! Especially the 3 youngest boys. They are unbelievable.
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#1295556 - 11/30/09 06:50 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. Pale Rider
Ops Offline
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I just wonder when it'll stop. I have a lot of "child-bearing" years left, and I'd hate to think I'll have to go through this for many years to come.

I suppose there's no easy fix.. I may try Goldenrod's suggestion of telling the person, "I'd never dream of discussing such a personal issue with someone." I'll wait until it's someone I don't see often so I can see just how offensive he/she will find it.. laugh Not something I want to test on over-dramatic family member.

And Walden, you're so right! My best friend gets that all the time as if she should have been married at 18.. and she's only 26!

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#1295577 - 11/30/09 07:06 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. Ops
Sing A Little Offline
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We've been married for almost 12 years and we STILL get this question from some. I've even had people be rude enough to say, "Then why did you even get married?" Hello, it's called LOVE people! laugh

I'm usually honest with my answer and explain that we aren't going to have kids until we feel we are ready. To which I usually hear, "You'll never have kids if you wait until you're ready". That usually stops discussion on the topic.

IMO having kids is one of the most important decisions that you can make and people should really keep their opinions to themselves.
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#1295584 - 11/30/09 07:19 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. Sing A Little
Retired DQ Offline
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I agree with SAL 100%!
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#1295753 - 11/30/09 08:58 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. Retired DQ
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My family got tired of my snide comments, looked around and saw me hanging around with all the pets in the house (and not the children) throughout the years, and finally realized children just weren't for me.

I never get asked anymore. As a matter of fact, my mother is the only one that brings it up, and it's turned into a family joke (the good kind smile )...

My mother always got way more worked up about children comments than I did...I'm an only child, so I'm her 'only hope' smile
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#1295808 - 11/30/09 09:36 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. Sing A Little
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Originally Posted By: Sing A Little
I've even had people be rude enough to say, "Then why did you even get married?"


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#1295835 - 11/30/09 09:53 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. Peepers
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My brother had 3 girls-the family name ends with him and I...
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#1295882 - 11/30/09 10:24 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. TB 12
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Can you still adopt AG?
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#1295939 - 11/30/09 11:45 PM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. Peepers
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Luckily, both of our parents are just fine with whatever decision we make. No pressure there!

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#1295981 - 12/01/09 02:45 AM Re: Advice from those who don't want children, please. Pale Rider
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How about "We've decided to breed dogs instead. That way we can make get rid of them before they stop being cute and cuddly and make money at it too."

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