Does anyone think that it is crazy for a couple to agree to divorce someday in the future? Couple in question are not happy, have tried couseling. They feel that now is not the time to divorce, both because they have young children, and because of finances. Have agreed to lead as as separate lives as possible (given that they do have said children and they will still live together). I'm torn - while I see that many of their arguments are due to "putting on a good face", and while I do think that they would be happier if they led their own lives (they have very different wants and needs - kinda wonder what made them get married in the 1st place), I wonder what happens if one of them meets someone new, or what if the kids start asking questions. Any opionion?

I think it's a terrible idea, but mostly because I am seeing it first-hand with my husband's brother and his wife. They have 2 daughters, they do not get along, they don't love each other anymore. Heck, I don't think they even LIKE each other anymore. But they've told my MIL (when she asked them about divorce after my SIL announced to her that she doesn't love BIL anymore) that they "wouldn't do that to the girls." Uhm, ok... Right...

The thing is, kids DO pick up on these things. My nieces, whom I love to pieces, are seriously the most neurotic kids I've ever met. They cannot sleep in their own rooms or beds. They're always stressed out. They sleep EVERY NIGHT in their parents bedroom on the floor. They're 10 and 7. That's not normal. The 7 year old is always in a bad mood, the 10 year old is very insecure. They cry a lot. And I *know* in my heart that's because they're surrounded by this wall of silence and stress at home. They can totally tell their parents don't love each other, it's OBVIOUS!

I so wish my BIL and SIL would just stop the charade and get a divorce and call it a day. We've all been waiting for them to get a divorce for years now. Yet they claim it's better for the girls this way. Please. It would be better for the girls to see their parents be HAPPY. This whole thing is stupid.

And ooops, hijacked a thread again. Sorry. But it seems like a very similar situation.

My soon to be ex-husband and I did the same thing for a while. Not that we agreed on it but just because he never stopped dating (other people) once we got married and I just accepted it for a while thinking I couldn't make it on my own and thought that was the commitment I had made and I was sticking to it for the kids. Didn't work...we are all much happier now and the kids are doing great because we actually get along better now than before he left because now I have no expectations of him as a husband..just as a father. Still haven't divorced yet (will in Feb 10) as I wanted to use his insurance along with mine to pay for the first round of chemo for Stage IV Ovarian Cancer. Now, if I hear someone say my kids are from a "broken home"....I tell them "it's not broken anymore...I fixed it!". And believe it or not, we made it financially, emotionally, physically, all of it! Separated when kids were 10 mos and 4 and they are now 3 & 6 and they have adjusted well. I'm sure they will have issues but they would have had more issues from a tense, stressful, unloving family life if we had stayed together. Good luck!

They're doing more damage to their kids by putting on a show and pretending everything is ok. It's not worth the effort and trouble. Agnessa's example is a perfect show of what will happen in the long run. I've seen it too many times myself and seen the resulting miserable and troubled children that are the result.

It sounds like they just want an open marriage.

I have friends who have a young child and have kept their marriage intact, but for whatever reason decided that they both needed space to pursue their separate lives. So, they go about their business, date other people, etc... and those other people just understand that the person they're dating comes with a spouse & kid. It works beautifully when everyone is loving and supportive, and the parents I think are much happier in their relationship with each other, too.

My wife was a child in a family situation like this.

What I've learned from her? Never, ever do this to your kids.

My son thinks that parents should never stay together because of the kids. He was 8 when his father and I divorced and knew that something was wrong. His father re-married and had another child, then he and his wife decided to stay together for the baby. My son thought that was wrong - and obviously it was because it didn't last long.

My parents stayed together because they had kids; and their marriage is good, now, even if it wasn't always good, then.

Marriage is a lot of hard work and anyone who doesn't think so is either unmarried or hasn't hit the rough patches yet. Through counseling (sometimes for the whole family) and with both working hard, I believe that just about anything can be overcome. I realize, though, that it does take two to make it work. I don't think divorce is the answer in most cases, but it is definitely unhealthy for the kids to learn this type of interaction and relationship. In general they will go on in life to have similar relationships to the ones learned in the home.

I don't look down on someone because they have divorced, but I always think it should be the very last resort instead of the first item on the "solutions" list.

While I completely agree that divorce should be the absolute last resort, in the case of my BIL and SIL, they should have never gotten married in the first place. They got pregnant by accident and while she was 7 months along they went to see a judge and got married. A year later they did this whole big ceremony for family and friends. But they never really wanted to get married, it's like they did it to appease other people and her parents (who were mortified that their daughter would have a baby out of wedlock). Now they're miserable, don't like each other, don't love each other and have 2 kids who are balls of stress. I feel bad for my nieces...

Well of course someone will think it's crazy. And other someones will think it's fine. Look at the variety of responses posted here.

Not to be harsh but the bottom line is, none of these someones, including you, are in this particular relationship. Only the people in the relationship can decide what's best for them at this particular moment in time. They've offered two good reasons to stay together. It really doesn't help to wonder what if. The best thing you can do for them and their kids is to support their decision to the best of your ability.

my son and his ex-girlfriend had a baby when they were both 17 (10 years ago). They have long since moved on and share custody of my granddaughter. They usually get along (for the most part)until the other grandmother puts in her two-cents worth and has her daughter file for full custody. this has happened a few times and she has never won (thank God). ex-girlfriend has since gotten engaged (on again, off again) and has two kids with the fiance. To make a long story short, our policy has always been that we've never said anything bad about the ex-girlfriend or any of her family to my granddaughter. On the flip side, she has come over our house and said things like "my grandmom says you're a -------(insert any insult - they've all been used). My granddaugher has recently been having a difficult time and does not want to have anything to do with her mother (found out it is because mom is a pill popper and was buying and using in front of her kids). She is presently in a rehab facility thanks to the fiance. When I asked my granddaughter why she didn't tell someone she said she was afraid we would have her mother thrown in jail (more ideas put in her head courtesy of mom and grandmom).

At first I thought you were talking about my ex, because she is a loon. But back to the topic.

Been there tried that 'for the kids'. It doesn't work as was mentioned earlier the kids DO pick up on all the negativity. I can say that since stepping out of the asylum I can see much more clearly now how insane my behavior was. If they two people in question don't even like each other it would be better for them and the kids to go their seperate ways. They may then find someone that does make them happy and the kids can see an example of a healthy relationship not a bitter, anger disfunctional one where there is no love.

The two adults should remember that their job is to teach the children and that this situation is a lesson to.

Ok can't help myself, so I am going to chime in. I am a twice divorced child. Apparently the marriage to my biological father was a disaster, really have little to no memory of him or all the fighting, was about 4 when it all ended. Second marriage ended in divorce shortly after I got married. They fought all of the time; loud screaming, slamming, highly unpleasant for us 3 kids to listen too. So I grew up knowing that I was not going to live like that, and I don't, but you would be surprised how many of my relation live like that. IMO children should be allowed to grow up in a stable, loving, quiet, peaceful, nurturing environment. Children learn by example how to have relationships, I could give endless examples of my screwed up friends and family relating to the baggage bestowed upon them by their parents. They need to get some family counseling. Dr. Phil would go to town with this, they should get on his show.

I fully belive that a child is better served by seperate and happy than together and miserable. My parents divorced when I was 2 and I grew up happy and loved. I can't imagine what would have happened if my parents were still together growing up- they are so different. I honestly don't understand how they got together in the first place.

Well, mom got out of rehab yesterday and my granddaughter is still mad at her - doesn't want to see her, speak to her, etc. which is a shame because they used to be very close. I partly blame mommy's mother-because she was brainwashing my granddaughter the week she was there (such as SHE took care of her when her mother wouldn't....her mother is no mommy to her....). Yeah, granny did a number on her kids (hence her daughter's pill problem) and now she's trying to work her magic on her grandkids.