Trying to get things set up for Easter (at Dad's house - mom passed away 2 years ago yesterday). Emailing my brothers, sister in law and niece and my daughter. everyone has responded except my older brother - not a peep (no pun intended). So I emailed my brother and niece (his daughter) again this morning). She replies back with her plans and says I have to talk to her dad about his plans. they live together for gosh sake!!!!!! How hard is it to talk to your dad and ask him a couple questions?! Now instead of just buying the food, cooking, cleaning dad's house and being the Easter Bunny for my granddaughter I have to track down my brother and specifically ask him what he is doing. (it is not like he isn't on the computer - i get 5 or 6 emails a day from jhim (jokes)!

Two people don't make that big a difference in planning when you're having so many. Just go about your business. If he shows, say 'hi' and tell him to go get a plate and join in. If not, ce la vie!

Life's really too short to sweat the small stuff. Just focus on your grangirl and enjoy the day!

FWIW - I agree with Truff. Generally you can't work around everyone's schedule and you just have to determine what's going to work for you and your father.

If you're worried about running out of food and he shows up, tell him he can't eat since he didn't RSVP.

LOL! The worst part is that he is on disability so out of all of us he has the most free time - he's able to get around so there is more that he could be doing (unlike my husband who suffers from neuropathy along with a mess of back, blood issues).

which is part of the problem - he's not used to dealing with time constraints or schedules like you are. I would just plan on him being there - he'll probably show up thinking that you just expected him.

I understand how you feel though Ma. I am a control freak (although I am trying to get that under 'control' ) When I want to know - I Want To Know!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I'm sure he'll be there - it would just be nice of him to let us know if he's bringing anything. Also we are going to the cemetary tomorrow and he hasn't responded on that yet either. But he did email me back that he agreed with my choice for a present for dad for his birthday (busy times this week, mom's anniversary yesterday, Easter on sunday, hubby's birthday on the 8th and dad's 80th birthday on the 9th). Like I mentioned, he has been emailing me about 3-4 jokes/videos each day but hasn't said one word about either the cemetary or Easter. I think that is what is bothering me the most - he has time for this cr*p but no time to respond on important things.

Same here! When I say I want something done, that means NOW LOL (which is why I learned to do my own painting, plastering, cementing, stuccoing....) I just won't touch electric or plumbing.

Maybe the 'important' things he doesn't feel comfortable with and he is trying to avoid responding because it hurts too much that he is going to be visiting your mom in the cemetery this year instead of at Easter dinner. Just a thought since he is responding and emailing about other things. I hope he comes and you all have a great gathering. So sorry for the loss of your mom.

pick up the phone and call him...

finally spoke with him Saturday morning. He had decided to go to the cemetary on Sunday with his daughter instead of Saturday. He was cleaning up his back yard getting it ready for his veggie garden.

I know it bothers him but he has gone all the other times that we've gotten together (Dad, my brothers and I). I know it was hard on him when mom died - he was only one that would not come to the hospital - he said he couldn't sit there and watch her die (not that it was easy for the rest of us - but don't think I could have lived with myself if I wasn't there).

I hear you madukes. When my sister was dying, I took a 3 month leave of absence and lived with her and her husband so her husband could continue to work and keep the great health insurance that they desperately needed. My other sister decided that she "couldn't stand to see her like that" so she never saw her in the last six months of her life. I can't tell you how much it hurt me when my sick sister was asking me why our other sister wouldn't visit or call her. They were always closer to each other than I was to etiher of them. Now my remaining sister (also on disability - and yes, I do think that people who don't work sometimes have no sense of urgency or even responsibility) can't bring herself to visit the cemetary.
I try to think of it as we all do what we can and some of us can't do anything. Like you, I try to be a good person and make excuses, but wouldn't you, just once, like to ask your brother why he thinks your mom's illness and death were harder for him than you?
I am sure it was just as hard for you and that your Mom truly appreciated the depth of your love and commitment to her when she needed you.

Why do people say they "can't stand to see them like that"? It seems they are only worried about their own feelings and not considering the sick person.
My Uncle would visit a relative ACROSS THE STREET from my parents and never come see his brother who was in the last stages of Parkinson disease, yet when he lay dying in the hospital and no longer knew anyone or anything, the brother came to the hospital. My Mother, bless her, said I should let it go. But I will always want to ask him why it was too hard to visit when my Dad actually would have known he was there but not too hard to watch him pass on.

Amen to that Big Sis and sorry for your loss as well. I remember when my grandparents were ill. My grandfather died unexpectedly and my grandmother developed ALS and needed someone with her 24/7. It's almost like history repeating itself. the oldest son hardly ever helped or showed up (mind you we all lived within a 1/2 city block of each other). My parents and my dad's younger brother and his wife took turns. The youngest son lived out of state so it was understandable for him to contribute more than he did. I live on the same block as my dad, my older brother is 5-10 minutes away and my younger brother is roughly an hour away. I would like to think that if I lived that close and didn't work, I would make an effort to maybe stop by at least once or twice a week and maybe take dad to lunch or bring lunch.

I know what you mean. My son really surprised me that he was at the hospital when my mom died but both my kids were close to my parents. I wonder if my son would be there at the hospital for my husband or I. He never visited my husband (his father) when he had heart surgery or my father when he had heart surgery with the excuse that "he couldn't stand to see them that way". I think he just really doesn't want to visit anyone in the hospital.

When my dad was sick he was the one that didn't want people (especially his grandkids) to 'see him that way'. He wanted their memories of him to be from happier, healthier times.

madukes, it took me a long time to acknowledge that it really is different strokes for different folks. Don't get me wrong. I'm a control freak too and I still get upset when people don't do something the way I think they should but I'm working on it. Especially when it comes to illness and death, everyone has their own way of dealing ...and their own tolerance level.

TR has it right. Each person is different.

On the flip side of things, my hubby's mom hid how sick his sister was. It wasn't until two days before Michelle passed that he was finally made aware of how ill she was. Up to that point, the only info he got was info I squeezed out of his family.. He was 19 at the time, and his mom didn't think he could take it.

My hubby (now 25) will always wish he had had more time with Michelle.. that he had known how serious her sickness was.

Sometimes being protective isn't the best thing.

When my FIL was on life support, 2 of his 4 kids would not go in the room and see him. Didn't want their last memory of him being with him non-responsive and plugged into a machine...

people deal with it differently, and some choose to remember the family member as they were, not as they are. yes, it is about the person who will remain alive at this point, and some may call it selfish, but isn't wishing everyone would see things and act the way you think they should selfish as well?

I agree with you completely regarding protecting someone. My neighbor had cancer years ago. When it came back he did not tell his wife or daughter (he wanted to protect them). By the time they found out he was pretty much out of it and unable to help his wife with any of the issues that needed to be taken care of after his death. She was bitter and angry for years and I don't blame her. He took care of everything while he was alive so she was totally lost - didn't know what insurance he had/pension, etc.

I'm not angry or bitter at my brother for not being there - I was more surprised. I can understand whole-heartedly his reasons for not being there. When my grandmother was dying from ALS she told my parents that she did not want us kids around her (she wanted us to remember her as she was). I was 17 and my sister was 18. My sister thought she didn't love her or was mad at her for some reason. I knew why she didn't want us around. Part of me was relieved that I didn't have to see her like that and part of me was upset that I wouldn't get to see her again before she died.

I hope this doesn't come across as disrespectful, HumptyDumpty, because that is not my intention. While I agree that it's selfish to think that everyone should think and act the way I do, it's not selfish to hope that someone who proclaims to love someone will be there for them when they're most needed.

I am sorry about your father-in-law. I hope your memories of him are happy and loving.

And while I won't forget what my sister went through, what I most remember is how she was before she had cancer and how much I miss her now. How she was at the end is not how I remember her.

But, like I wrote, we all do what we can. I do think, however, that what matters most is that we respect the wishes of the person who is ill. If they want to be visited, then we should suck up our own feelings and visit. If, like madukes grandmother, they don't want to be seen, then we need to respect that as well.

I do have great memories of my FIL. My wife was one of the daughters who could not go into the room. If anyone in the family was offended by that, they kept it to themselves, and have done so for the 13 years he has been dead.

Now, his passing was also quite sudden and unexpected, so if it had been a long-term illness, i'm sure it would have been different, with many chances to spend with him.