Some of you may remember from a post or two I have made that I was in a car accident almost 4 1/2 years ago. My best friend was thrown on top of me and that is where she died. I have had depression issues, self mutilation, anxiety, taken way to much medication (only as prescribed by a drug pushing doctor), and pushed away many family and friends. Well, I had improved, stopped all the medication and mutilation and had really gotten to the best place I had been since the accident. I found out April 12 that the man who was driving drunk and killed my friend was on work release less than 25 minutes from where I live. I had a melt down and spiraled downward very quickly. Anxiety and all those feelings were back instantly. I emailed the Victim Services department and gave them an idea of how knowing he was so close to me had made me regress. I got an email telling me that he was being moved to another facility farther away from us! He has controlled me for 4 1/2 years, and now, finally, I have control of him! It is so empowering. His family was close enough to him that they could go visit him at his work release job, they could visit him at the prison and whatever else. When I visit my friend, I sit at her gravesite and have lunch with her there. It seems so unfair to me that he was guilty and he got to live. I am working on forgiveness, as I know I have to do it eventually, but as for now, its just not coming easily. Please pray for me and the rest of us who have suffered such a great loss. In another year and a half we will have to go to the parole board and try to keep him in prison. The thought of seeing his face again makes me want to throw up, but I will do it. I've looked him in the face before, and for her, I will do it as many times as it takes to make sure he pays for taking her life, and in a sense, mine too.

Thanks for listening.

Thank God that they moved him. You have come so far. Praying for all the best for you. Please continue to share anytime that you feel that you need to vent. Much love and prayers for the trials to come, too.

Happy2beHere - I glad you were able to share with us. Loss is so difficult to deal with and I am so glad that you are on the road to recovery. I think it was a brave and pro-active thing you did in calling Victim's Services and to get results that benefited you. Prayers for you in your healing process.

Thanks y'all. It has been a LONG and rough road, but I am finally having more good days than bad.

I am moved that you are willing to share honestly your struggle with loss, grief, anger, etc. We need more who are willing to do this. There is strength in numbers. I am praying that God will heal your hurt and allow you to let go of the pain.

I am wishing you all the best in your road to recovery and forgiveness. I can't even imagine. You're already stronger than you give yourself credit for

I appreciate you saying that, East Texas. People think by now that I should be over it and they aren't willing to listen to me when I want to talk about her or the accident. Its weird that the people closest to me are the ones who turned away the quickest. It is theraputic for me to talk about. I am not over it and I never will be. I can and have learned that this is the way things are now, but I feel closer to the people I have lost when I talk about them. I hope it is the same way for most other folks. The only thing I can do for her now is to make sure this old man stays in prison and can't kill another person. I hope he is very mad and upset because he is being moved away from this area and I hope he knows it is because of me. There is no way he should be out. I haven't recovered from what he did, my friend will never recover from what he did and he should not be allowed to recover from what he did. He can rot in that cell for all I care and that is exactly what I want him to do.

The anger he stirs up in me is frightening. Even to me. Whew!

Took the words right out of my mouth. You are incredibly strong and I wish you nothing but the best. I am fortunate in that I have yet to lose anyone super close to me and truly dread the day that it happens. I can only pretend to imagine the sorrow you have gone through in the loss of your friend. I'm sure she would be proud of the stand that you are taking in her honor and you should be proud of yourself.

H2BH - as long as you carry your anger toward him, you can never fully heal and move forward. I, too, have lost a dear friend to a horrendous accident, the only difference being I was not also involved. While you will never be over it, you can learn to accept it, live with it without letting it control you, and move on with your life. You will always carry some pain, but over time, that pain will lessen and your fond memories will remain.

I wish you luck...

Happy - I can't understand where you have been but I can sympathize for you.

My sister was killed in a head on collision five years ago by a woman that went left of center and hit her head on. The woman had her mentally challenged son with her. She died and her son was in the burn unit for quite a long time. While in the burn unit he lost his father.

I cannot hate or hold any anger against this poor woman and haven't from the beginning. I've always thought that maybe her son was doing something that needed her attention (gettin out of his seatbelt or even throwing up). I've just always mourned the loss of all the lives taken and that were affected that day. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of my sister, who I still mourn deeply, even after 5 years.

But I do know that I would not feel the same if I knew she was drunk or on drugs. I believe that my healing process would have been alot different in that case.

You hang in there!

HappyG, you are so right and I try. Oh how I try to forgive him. I don't let it consume me like it used to, but it is there. I haven't given up. If I can come from where I was to where I am now, I believe anything is possible. I got to a point where I was feeling like I would be better off not to wake up. When I got there, I really got scared. That is when I knew I HAD to get help. Although the doctor gave me too much medication, he did get me an appointment with a therapist and talking to him is where I began to break through and feel better. I have a terrible phobia of cars. I haven't been able to ride in one at all since the accident. I can't even bend down and look into one because of the flashbacks I have. My family members have all gotten SUVs so I will ride with them. I only have a select few people I will go anywhere with. I only go with friends who have been with me since the beginning. I can feel the panic attacks coming and when they are coming, I have to leave where ever I am right then. Not in a minute or two...NOW! They understand and because of that, I can be with them. My mom is not one of those people. Strange, but she isn't.

Okie, I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. I guess I would have died if it had been my sister. I am like you, I feel like it would make a huge difference had this man not been drunk. The fact that the accident was completely preventable if not for HIS bad choices is a hard pill to swallow.

Now, I'm going to go look at the funny threads so I can breathe again.

Thank you all so much for letting me talk about this. It has been so long since anyone would listen and it helps me so much to be able to let it out! You folks are such good people.

Happy2BHere - way to stand up for yourself and your friend. Good luck to you as you continue to fight your battle.

Forgiveness is a process that takes time and sometimes it's a continual, daily decision. I am proud of you for continuing to try to forgive. Don't lose sight of that.

You are a precious jewel and you do have a purpose in this life. The public has to acknowledge the victims and their families and understand that things like this permanently alter their (your) world. Keep fighting; keep working to heal; pray for peace; rest in God's loving arms. If you need to vent or have a special prayer request, PM me.

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Thank you for not making me feel like a bad person for not being able to forgive yet. I believe God knows I am trying continually to get to that point in this process and I hope I am still in favor with him even though I'm not there yet. I will surely keep you in mind when I am having one of those days, East Texas.

Thanks to all of you for understanding the need to still be able to talk about this. I feel so much better knowing that somewhere away from here, people are willing to listen. That is just great for me to know!

Just got the phone call from Victim Services that the old man was shipped out this morning. Come to find out the guy that works there knows me and wanted to call me personally and let me know he was outta here! Good Riddance!!! Now he is a few hours away! What a way to end the week!

Doing the Happy Dance for you! Nice way to start the weekend. That and the fact it was YOU that made it happen. That's taking control and running with it. Way to go. *high five*

**HIGH FIVE**

Wow! This is great!

Hang in there Happy. It is cliche, but it is true, time heals all wounds. You will be able to forgive and move on when YOU are ready to-on your terms not anyone else's. Don't let anyone make you feel that you should be at "this point" in the healing process - everyone is different.

You are truly a devoted friend and anyone should and would be honored to call you "friend".

God Bless You.

Aww, thank you, madukes. I do my best to live by the Golden Rule. I know she would be doing exactly the same thing for me if it had been me. She was and still is very special. Her husband and mine are best friends so I still see him all the time. We all work to help each other with it and together we're gonna make it.

Goes without saying, you and your friend are in my prayers