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#1663065 - 02/09/12 05:00 PM Parents of teens- HELP ME!!
Loralie Offline
100 Club

Registered: 01/03/09
Posts: 108
Loc: IL
To keep a VERY long story short- I am raising my sister, she is 18, but still a senior in HIgh school.

Over the summer she got into a LARGE amount of trouble with Boy, was grounded for 6 months, and because Boy's dad was such a JERK (and thats VERY VERY MILD- he threatened my sister with a restraining order) was told (mostly by boys dad, i don't have a problem with boy other then this one mistake) never to speak to eachother again.

Of course they did, they had a notebook that they passed between classes, and Dad found notebook. LOST HIS MIND. Hit Boy. Threatening order of protection against sister again.

here's my dilemma- in telling me this, she confesses that shortly after she finally got all her privliges back, Boy came over while I was out of town.

What do I do? grounding obviously didn't work. I can't send her back to our mother's - she'd have to sleep on the floor, there's no room for her, thats one of many reaason's she lives with me. I've lost all trust in her.

I'm obviously grounding her again, but i don't know what else to do.
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Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.




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#1663069 - 02/09/12 05:05 PM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
Truffle Royale Offline

10K Club

Registered: 07/09/03
Posts: 14259
Breathe...and realize that the harder every one tries to keep them apart the more they are being pushed together. Think Romeo and Juliet.

And it doesn't help that you're her SISTER trying to be the enforcer. Even if your own growning up record is squeeky clean, she' going to resent you for this.

Instead of grounding, fill up her time with positive stuff. She's 18, how about a part-time job or volunteering? Chores? doing stuff with you on week-ends?

Mostly, sit her down and talk to her. Treat her like the adult she chronologically is and you might get a better result. Kids, heck everyone, will rise to the level you expect them to. So raise the bar of your expectations and give her a chance to prove herself to you.
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Your life is an occasion. Rise to it! Suzanne Weyn

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#1663071 - 02/09/12 05:11 PM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Truffle Royale]
Loralie Offline
100 Club

Registered: 01/03/09
Posts: 108
Loc: IL
That was my thought exactly, and that's what i told Boy's dad, and he took it as i didn't supervise her enough-

She has a part time job, as well as babysitting my 10 year old and her bff every day after school.

this happened while i was out of town.

My issue is that I have been treating her more like an adult ever since she got her privliges back (on her 18th birthday), and this is how she responds? I'm trying so hard to calm down...
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Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.




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#1663073 - 02/09/12 05:14 PM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
Pup Offline
Power Poster

Registered: 09/19/03
Posts: 5045
Loc: Pedaling along a scenic highwa...
It may take awhile. From experience, it's hard to stay away from your "true love"...ESPECIALLY at that age!

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#1663081 - 02/09/12 05:31 PM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
Pale Rider Online
10K Club

Registered: 08/09/02
Posts: 33938
Loc: under the Lone Star
18-year olds mess up; she is in a difficult situation, I can't imagine being a guest in my older sibling's home at that age.

Sure sounds like the boy's father is someone she doesn't want to get riled up.

All the best Loralie, you have you hands full!
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#1663096 - 02/09/12 06:05 PM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
ItNeverEnds CRCM Online
Platinum Poster

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 601
Loc: Northern CA
Loralie - you said that she confessed to you that this happened? That sounds to me like she knew she shouldn't have done it and wanted to let you know she made a mistake. To me, that would go a long way. I don't have a teenager, but I sure remember what it was like and I would have never confessed to something that my parent didn't know about. I would have hid it until I got caught. Obviously, I don't know everything involved, but if she's the one that brought it up and told you, then you punish her, why would she want to tell you anything again? 18 is a tough time, not to mention your the sister. I'd rather have open communication, truth and/or confessions of mistakes than have a situation that might push her to keep from telling you things next time.

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#1663135 - 02/09/12 08:18 PM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
Truffle Royale Offline

10K Club

Registered: 07/09/03
Posts: 14259
yup, sounding more like Romeo and Juliet all the time....
Advising and counseling sounds like a much better fit for you, Loralie. The boy's father is enough of a disciplinarian and you can see where that's getting him.

good luck!
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Your life is an occasion. Rise to it! Suzanne Weyn

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#1663211 - 02/10/12 08:56 AM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
Loralie Offline
100 Club

Registered: 01/03/09
Posts: 108
Loc: IL
She only confessed because she thought she was getting caught. His Dad found the notebook, and it mentioned that they had hung out over break, so she was only telling me so I didn't find out from the Dad first.

Our mom is getting a new apartment- Right across the hall from me- as soon as it's done being remodeled. I think I've already decided that when mom moves, my sister moves back in with her. We both want to be sisters again, i don't want to be her mother anymore. And she obviously doesn't respect me enough to follow the rules. I just have to figure out what to do with her until then.

I'm so hurt and sad and disappointed in her- For me it's the lying and the fact that she only told me cause she thought she was going to get caught, I don't actually even care that he was over- If she had asked me I would have told her its a bad idea, but I wouldn't have told her no. I mean, heck when I was her age I was married already, so who am I to tell her that she's not in love?
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Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.




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#1663414 - 02/10/12 11:53 AM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
HappyGilmore Offline
10K Club

Registered: 06/11/04
Posts: 17428
Loc: Moron, Mongolia
I agree that be telling you she has taken a step to restoring the trust, and you need ot be frank with her and let her know that you are disapointed in her actions and the trust she broke, and that it will take a while to earn that trust back.

No idea what she and the boy did, but since his dad isn't her father, not sure how he can "forbid" her from speaking to him, especially in a high school environment. I don't know if the boy is 18, but if so, Dad can't force a restraining order between 2 consenting adults.

How about a conversation between you and the Dad to see if there is a way around this impasse?
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The only people you should be getting even with are those that have helped you in some way.

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#1663499 - 02/10/12 12:57 PM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
Loralie Offline
100 Club

Registered: 01/03/09
Posts: 108
Loc: IL
When they got in trouble this summer, he was dog sitting for his friend, and they went to the friends house to be alone - until 3 am. She told me she was spending the night at a friends house. A debit card went missing, and they blamed it on Boy. Sister knew nothing about it. Dad told Sister he would make sure that if any charges were brought up, that he would keep her out of it if she promised never to speak to Boy again. Otherwise Dad was going to do all he could to ruin sister's life becuase she was a "bad influence" on Boy.

Oh, and Debit card was found a month later. It was never stolen.

Boy is 17

Tried conversation when we went through all this the first time, he is an unreasonable *insert choice of profanity here* and talking does no good.


I really appreciate everyone's help and just "listening" to me vent- I am better today, just exasperated at the whole situation.


Edited by Loralie (02/10/12 01:02 PM)
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Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.




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#1663543 - 02/10/12 01:25 PM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
edAudit Online
Power Poster

Registered: 07/18/08
Posts: 2887
Loc: You are here
Sorry, that is the story?

Repeat

That is the story?

Remind sister (in case of future interest)that you do marry your inlaws.
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#1663831 - 02/10/12 06:04 PM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
Dip Offline
Power Poster

Registered: 03/24/05
Posts: 6298
Loc: San Diego, CA
17 and 18 and they aren't allowed to make out (or whatever)? Not that I was doign that at that age, but kids are doing it at a lot younger.

Mayeb just be more real to your sister, talk to her liek an adult (cuz she is). Share with her...be honest...speak from experience.

When my mom and I finalyl opened up on that level, we became two equals, and we are SO close now, whether or not we agree on things one or the other does.

And really, she's 18...what she does is her own choice and no one else is help responsible for her now.
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Switched to the dark side and don't plan to return...

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#1664072 - 02/13/12 10:49 AM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
Bones Offline
Power Poster

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 3017
Loc: Land of Enchantment
I agree about treating her more like an adult and having that open dialiogue, but she is not out on her own and supporting herself, so until then, she needs to respect her sister's wishes.
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#1664192 - 02/13/12 12:54 PM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
MonkEE Offline
Power Poster

Registered: 06/08/05
Posts: 4587
Loc: Looking out the window
My teen has done some pretty messed up stuff this past year and to be honest, all teens do.

Really try to foster open communication and maybe help her see where her decisions could land her.

Nothing like a trip so see my Mom for a reality check on the dangers of drugs.

You are doing a wonderful thing by helping raise her. smile
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Sometimes the best thing about my workday is that my chair spins.

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#1664967 - 02/14/12 12:25 PM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
Loralie Offline
100 Club

Registered: 01/03/09
Posts: 108
Loc: IL
For me anyway, it had nothing to do with what they were doing- it's the fact that at the time she was 17, she had a midnight curfew, she had my car, and she lied about where she was going.

And again, the second time, we were out of town and she lied about having him over, and only told me cause she thought she was gonna get caught.

And since then, she's been grounded, we've barely talked (mostly because i just havn't been home long enough for us to have a real heart to heart- i work 2 jobs) But my boyfirend came home the other day to find her watching a movie- which while not a huge thing, at our house one of the rules when you're grounded is no tv.

I just feel like she has absolutely no respect for me or my home, and once my mom gets her apartment across the hall from me, Sister is moving back in with mom. I just can't do it anymore.
_________________________
Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.




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#1665031 - 02/14/12 01:17 PM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
waldensouth Online
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Registered: 11/07/01
Posts: 7800
Loc: below the gnat line
That's probably best. There is a different relationship between sisters than between kids and parents. I would not have listened to anything my sister tried to tell me to do when I was younger - I wouldn't listen much now.

You sister is 18 and really feeling independent living with you instead of your mom. If you could find the time to talk with her you could explain how independence and respect go hand in hand. If she wants to be treated as an adult, she will have to act like one and respect the wishes of other adults on whom she is dependent financially.
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When you read a great book, you don't escape from life, you plunge deeper into it. Julian Barnes


My Opinion Only.

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#1669772 - 02/24/12 04:27 PM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
Overboard Offline
100 Club

Registered: 08/23/07
Posts: 191
Loc: Minnesota
I think 18 is to old to be grounded and 6 months wow Personally I think thats pretty harsh for any age. Talk to her as if she were your equal and not as a child. The dad of the boyfriend sounds like a nut case, not sure why she would want to be associated in that to begin with but at 18 she needs to make and learn from her own mistakes.

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#1669776 - 02/24/12 04:47 PM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
BrendaC Offline
Power Poster

Registered: 09/18/01
Posts: 6029
Loc: Sweet Home AL
My son was SOOO upset with us at 19 and 20 because we told him that our house closed at midnight and be in by then or find another place to live. We were too strict and simply unreasonable.

My how times change. A couple of years ago, he and his wife agreed to take in two of her nieces until they could find a place to live. His doors locked at 9:00. Be in by then or sleep on the porch. So then did - twice.

Sometimes it is better to treat them more as adults...adults who are expected to be considerate of others and their schedules and appreciative of the "favors" and sacrifices of others. It's not so much about age - it's about accepting responsibility and having a grateful heart when others are helping you out.
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#1669864 - 02/24/12 10:14 PM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: BrendaC]
B_F Offline
Power Poster

Registered: 11/28/06
Posts: 7220
Loc: Cincinnati, OH
Originally Posted By: BrendaC
Sometimes it is better to treat them more as adults...adults who are expected to be considerate of others and their schedules and appreciative of the "favors" and sacrifices of others. It's not so much about age - it's about accepting responsibility and having a grateful heart when others are helping you out.


But it is about maturity, and most teens are simply not mature enough to live up to the expectations you've just layed out. Most simply want the world given to them. THey want all the benefits of adulthood and none of the responsibilities.

Good luck!

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#1669873 - 02/25/12 09:27 AM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: B_F]
MonkEE Offline
Power Poster

Registered: 06/08/05
Posts: 4587
Loc: Looking out the window
Originally Posted By: B_F
Originally Posted By: BrendaC
Sometimes it is better to treat them more as adults...adults who are expected to be considerate of others and their schedules and appreciative of the "favors" and sacrifices of others. It's not so much about age - it's about accepting responsibility and having a grateful heart when others are helping you out.


But it is about maturity, and most teens are simply not mature enough to live up to the expectations you've just layed out. Most simply want the world given to them. THey want all the benefits of adulthood and none of the responsibilities.

Good luck!


Most ADULTS want the world given to them as well but it doesn't work that way. It's my job as a parent to raise productive citizens and that mean I have to be a hardass at times. Life has rules and they have to be taught that there are consequences. I rather them learn that in my house than sitting in a jail cell.
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Sometimes the best thing about my workday is that my chair spins.

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#1669964 - 02/27/12 09:15 AM Re: Parents of teens- HELP ME!! [Re: Loralie]
HappyGilmore Offline
10K Club

Registered: 06/11/04
Posts: 17428
Loc: Moron, Mongolia
It is really very simple...whoever owns the house gets to make the rules. If you don't like the rules, buy your own house...I don't care if your 15 or 25, if you are living in my house, you follow the rules. Age does not equal maturity...there are plenty of people that are 30+ that are less mature than 16 year old kids...

(disclaimer...well, MsGilmore really makes the rules, as any married man could understand...)
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The only people you should be getting even with are those that have helped you in some way.

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