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#63470 - 02/25/03 05:14 PM Need Bank Jokes
Anonymous
Unregistered

This came up a few weeks ago, and I actually provided someone with a powerpoint presentation to use. I have to emcee our annual employee meeting and might want a few good bank jokes to use. I have web surfed and found a bunch off the web, so please, no need to give me links. If anyone has any unique, clean, and relatively short jokes or bank stories, I would appreciate it. If you want, you can PM them to me or regular e-mail at dkreiman@gsb.com. Thanks in advance.

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General Discussion
#63471 - 02/25/03 05:17 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Kara S Offline
Platinum Poster
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 927
Milwaukee, WI
Did you look at 'Banker Humor' on BOL?
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My opinions are not to be construed as legal advice.

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#63472 - 02/25/03 05:30 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Anonymous
Unregistered

Quote:

Did you look at 'Banker Humor' on BOL?




I did - thanks. Unfortunately, Andy's parody is a bit too long to recite. Good luck against Louisville Thursday!

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#63473 - 02/25/03 05:37 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Kara S Offline
Platinum Poster
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 927
Milwaukee, WI
Thanks, I'm sure it will be a great game seeing that Louisville is now ranked 9th.

For all those Oklahoma fans, great game in Oklahoma against Kansas on Saturday!
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My opinions are not to be construed as legal advice.

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#63474 - 02/25/03 06:36 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
complyguy Offline
Gold Star
complyguy
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 494
PA
How about - FBI Control List distribution, RESPA revision proposal, CIP urgent 10/26/02 deadline, new color currency, ... You get my drift.

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#63475 - 02/25/03 06:52 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Don_Narup Offline

Power Poster
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 3,708
Las Vegas Nevada
I was driving down the highway and in the distance I saw a balloon hovering over a field right next to the road. Another car had stopped, and a man was standing by the fence next to he road. As I approached I heard the pilot of the balloon holler down asking "Where Am I" to which the man replied "You are about 50 feet over this field"

The pilot replied you must be an engineer, and the man responded "Well yes I am. How did you know. The pilot replied with "Because you have given me a lot of information that is completely useless."

The mans response was "Then you must be a Bank Compliance Officer" and the pilot said Yes, How did you know that?" Receiving the answer as " Because you are being blown in all directions and are totally lost"
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#63476 - 02/25/03 07:12 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Anonymous
Unregistered

Good one Don, but I think I need to steer clear of compliance jokes. Sorry I sometimes feel like a marketing guy surrounded by rules people (since I don't have to follow any rules), but out of 225 employees, there are only about 1 1/2 people who spend their time worrying about compliance - Yikes! {ok - a bit of an exaggeration}

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#63477 - 02/25/03 07:25 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
JacF Offline

Power Poster
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 6,719
PA
Deadbeat customer: Why did you freeze my account?
CSR: We hope to someday find a cure for what is wrong with it.

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#63478 - 02/25/03 07:33 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Anonymous
Unregistered

Quote:

Deadbeat customer: Why did you freeze my account?
CSR: We hope to someday find a cure for what is wrong with it.




Good one!

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#63479 - 02/25/03 07:40 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Dan Persfull Offline
10K Club
Dan Persfull
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 47,517
Bloomington, IN
Customer: My check re-order came in green instead of the pattern I ordered.

CSR: It doesn't matter, your checks bounce so high no one can see them any way.

(got this from a BOL post but don't remember who from)
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The opinions expressed are mine and they are not to be taken as legal advice.

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#63480 - 02/25/03 07:48 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Anonymous
Unregistered

How about....

I can't be overdrawn ! I still have plenty of checks left.

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#63481 - 02/25/03 07:53 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
SMQ, CRCM Offline
Power Poster
SMQ, CRCM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,828
Between the lines
There's the old standby, "We're from the FDIC (OCC, government, congress) and we're here to help."
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#63482 - 02/25/03 07:57 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Anonymous
Unregistered

Keep 'em comin

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#63483 - 02/25/03 08:54 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Patsy Cline Offline
Diamond Poster
Patsy Cline
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 1,117
On the road...
This is not bank related but I heard it and laughed and laughed. I must have needed it!

What did the bartender say to the horse as he walked into the bar?

Why such a long face?

I know... corny but cut.

How about... Why did the bee go to the doctor?

He had hives!

Okay... I'll stop.
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Michelle CRCM

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" ~ unknown


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#63484 - 02/25/03 08:56 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Anonymous
Unregistered

I think my favorite so far is:

"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."

(picture Rodney Dangerfield telling it with a drink in his hand, his eyes rolling behind his head, and a rim shot heard in the background)

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#63485 - 02/25/03 09:20 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Anonymous
Unregistered

This may not be politically correct. And you have to picture what I am describing. Two deaf-mutes are robbing a bank. To avoid being identified while using sign language to announce the hold-up, each has placed a woman's stocking over their hand. Now, when you tell this joke, you actually have the stocking on your hand and say "Here's a deaf mute holding up the bank". I know, pretty bad.

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#63486 - 02/25/03 09:22 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Anonymous
Unregistered

I agree - kinda icky!

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#63487 - 02/26/03 02:20 AM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Princess Romeo Offline

Power Poster
Princess Romeo
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 8,272
Where the heart is
A blonde walked into bank in Manhattan, and asked about getting a loan. The loan officer asked her "Well how much would you like to borrow sweetie, and what do you want the loan for?"

The blonde, giving a toss of her perfectly coiffed hair replied that she was going on vacation and would like to borrow $5,000.

"I see", said the doubtful loan officer, "but do you have anything to offer for collateral?"

"Well", the blonde replied, taking out a leather document holder and handing it to the loan officer, "I have the pink slip to the Rolls Royce parked out front."

The loan officer was a bit taken aback, but they checked out the title and registration and found it was legimate, so they drew up the loan documents. The blonde signed the loan papers without messing up any of her perfectly manacured nails, handed the keys over to the loan officer, took the check and left. One of the officers took the keys and parked the car in the bank's underground secure parking.

The officers in the bank chuckled for the rest of the day at how naive this gal was, putting up a $100,000 automobile for a $5,000 loan.

Three weeks later, the blonde walked back into the bank and asked for the balance to payoff her loan. The loan officer told her the payoff was $5,015.30. The blonde took out the cash and paid off the balance in full.

As he was handing her the paid documents, pink slip, and the keys, the loan officer asked "Miss, we did some background checking on you and found out you are worth millions. Now while this was a nice little transaction for us, we were wondering why you would even bother taking out a loan for $5,000. It's not as if you needed the money."

"Oh", the blonde replied, "Where else in Manhattan can I leave my Rolls parked for 3 weeks while I travel through Europe, pay only $15.30 and still expect to see it when I return?"
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Regulations are a poor substitute for ethics.
Just sayin'

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#63488 - 02/26/03 02:11 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Anonymous
Unregistered

Thanks Bonnie - a bit too long for the emcee gig, and I can't tell you how many times that joke somes up when you search for bank jokes on the web, although this was the first time it involved a blonde. Still, very funny joke. There is another version where someone takes a loan out on a stock certificate for a year, and ends up telling the loan officer the interest was cheaper than the rent on a safe deposit box and that they just wanted someplace safe to keep the certificate... like the loan collateral safe. Now, if I could just get up the nerve to telling the one about the old lady with the big bag of money who bet the banker she could make his {unmentionables}turn square.

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#63489 - 02/26/03 02:50 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
ahou Offline
Power Poster
ahou
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,094
A man complains to a friend, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“What’s wrong?” his concerned friend asks.
“It’s my bank. Every time I apply for a loan, they get historical!”
“You mean hysterical,” his friend said, chuckling.
“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every time I talk to them about a possible loan, they say “We still remember that time when we had to charge off..."
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#63490 - 02/26/03 03:19 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
JacF Offline

Power Poster
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 6,719
PA
Quote:

Now, if I could just get up the nerve to telling the one about the old lady with the big bag of money who bet the banker she could make his {unmentionables}turn square.


A true classic, indeed!

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#63491 - 02/26/03 07:44 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Anonymous
Unregistered

BUMP... Just bumping this back up top (per Andy's suggestion) because I am still looking for another joke or two. Without going into detail, I still need a good joke pertaining to the privacy/security aspect of banking, as well as a compliance/operation joke. Thanks in advance. I'll be sure to give credit during my Billy Crystal-like performance.

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#63492 - 02/26/03 07:50 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Retired DQ Offline
10K Club
Retired DQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
Hey lasvegas, how's it going? Jokes, eh?
I don't know but I founds some amusing stories
on this website:
BOZO OF THE DAY
Sometimes, they can be entertaining, even to lay people!
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#63493 - 02/26/03 08:04 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
Anonymous
Unregistered

Thanks Maria - I will take a gander.

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#63494 - 02/26/03 10:01 PM Re: Need Bank Jokes
William Offline
Gold Star
William
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 470
In a location
Just received this in an email... maybe you can use it - either way it's cute...

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.


1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?











The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. (This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.)



2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?











Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator"? (Wrong Answer)

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.



3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?











Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.



4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?










Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends...
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