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Compliance Officer's Christmas List
 By zaibatsu and Dawnie
with apologies to Mrs. Vince Gill
Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee.
I wrote to you with childhood fantasies.
Well, I'm all grown up now,
But still need help somehow.
I'm a compliance officer but my heart still can dream.
So here's my lifelong wish,
my compliance Christmas list,
not for myself, but for compliance officers in need:
No more privacy torn apart,
and the new HMDA would never start,
and time would heal all examiners’ hearts.
CRA would learn to bend*,
that common sense would always win,
and the CEO would be the compliance officer’s friend:
This is my compliance officer Christmas list.
As children we believed
the grandest sight to see
was something lovely wrapped beneath the tree.
Well, my regulator surely knows
that packages and bows
can never conceal a bad exam’s blow.
No more Loan Registers torn apart,
and silly lenders would never start,
and doctors could give the board real hearts.
Ev'ry lender would have a friend,
that the compliance way would always win,
and I’d be given more to spend:
This is my compliance Christmas list.
What is this illusion called ignorance is bliss?
Maybe we won’t be criticized for doghouse logo we missed.
There'd be...
No more hair torn out,
and our marketing department would never pout,
and time would heal all dagger stares.
Ev'ry one would be a lender fair,
that just one argument with management I would win,
and love of Crown wouldn’t send me into a spin:
This is my compliance Christmas list,
this is my only lifelong, long-struggling, no-chance-in-hell, wish,
This is my Compliance Officer's Christmas List!
*For job security, Dawnie would not let me say, “CRA would come to an end”
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