CHILDREN'S REACTIONS TO CRISIS: HOW PARENTS CAN HELP
Editor's Note: Following the terrorist attacks, Mary Ann Wonn, Director of Pro Kinship for Kids, says: "I feel the parents and teachers need to do everything in their power to help our children at this time. Even though we might not think they are affected...they are. A grade schooler here, while practicing his spelling words, put each word in a sentence about the tragedy. (This happened here in New Ulm, Minnesota and the boy had no relatives involved in the tragedy. I ask myself, who will be there for the children? The answer must be, all of us. We are all victims, no matter where we live or how old we are."
In an effort to help our children, Mary Ann shares with us past articles from the Guidance Channel’s Counselor's Classroom newsletter written by Cristina Casanova that focus on coping with loss and grief. These articles are for parents and teachers and some have been changed to fit the needs of our population.
There is no "typical reaction" to crisis. Children react to trauma in very individual ways. Some of these reactions may appear immediately, while some may take weeks or even months to appear. Common reactions include:
Fear and Anxiety
Any crisis can bring up fears and anxieties for a child. If the child wants to talk about it -- the best thing to do is listen and validate feelings.
Resist giving advice or minimizing the fear and anxiety.
Nightmares and Bedwetting
Nightmares may occur and the child may also begin to act like a much younger child. Changes in behavior may include thumb-sucking,
excessive clinging to parents, baby talk, temper tantrums, and loss of toilet training.
Sadness and Anxiety
Children may react by becoming sad or withdrawn, and/or they may lose interest in normal activities, such as schoolwork or playing with friends.
They might also lose their appetite or seem to lack their usual enjoyment of life.
Acting Out
A child may show distress by provocative and angry behaviors. This may be a sign that the child has angry feelings about the incident. You can help the child by setting limits and making her/him feel safe.
Overreaction to Minor Stress
Your child may overreact to incidents or routine changes following the crisis. Overreacting is a normal reaction to crisis or trauma and can last for a few weeks to a month.
How Parents Can Support Their Children
A parent's response to a child in times of crisis can either facilitate or hinder the recovery from trauma or crisis.
Provoke discussion
The suppression of feelings in a child is detrimental and can cause problems later on. Urge your child to express and experience his/her thoughts and feelings. Parents can prompt their children's expression of feelings with responses like:
"Tell me more about that."
"Have you ever felt that way before?"
"Are there any other things bothering you right now?"
Encourage creative play
When children grieve, they tend to move in and out of feelings of sadness, anger, fear, and anxiety. Encourage them to play, to draw, and to be active. Keep the movement going.
Offer factual information
Provide children with the facts. Answer their questions very honestly and reassure them that they are protected at the same time. Include children in the planning for the future.
Allow anxieties
Your child may go through a period of anxiety. Resist minimizing or stopping such behavior. Anxiety is a way your child is telling you that s/he feels frightened and powerless. Reassure him/her by touching, embracing, talking to him/her, accepting babyish behavior, etc. This behavior will subside when the child feels safe again.
Continue routines
One of the best ways to help your child after a crisis is to maintain structure and routines. Resuming normal daily life patterns will make him/her feel protected and safe. Refrain from making major changes or decisions during this time.
Foster a sense of connection
Your child needs to feel very connected to you. Endeavor to stay close to your child, with minimum separation. If you must leave, prepare the child well, assure him/her that he/she will be safe, and you will be back. Leave something of yours behind to comfort your child, such as a picture, a watch, or jewelry.
Address your own fears
The more you can overcome your own fears and anxieties, the better you will be able to help your child. Reach out to supportive friends and family or seek short-term counseling to help you through the grief process.
HELPING STUDENTS DEAL WITH DEATH
Although this was written primarily for teachers, I feel that parents can also get ideas from this information. Mary Ann Wonn
By Cristina Casanova for The Guidance Channel
The developmental needs of children in grief
Ways to listen effectively to children to help them in the grief process
The anticipated responses to grief
How to identify at-risk students
How to refer students for help
How the Crisis Response Team can be of help to them
Ways to give clear information around the death/crisis event
Be alert!
1. Watch for possible behavior changes:
Stomach aches
Headaches
Unusual hyperactivity
Drop in grades
Excessive absence, lateness
Falling asleep in class
Excessive crying
Withdrawal
School phobia
The school counselors should be notified of any marked behavior changes.
2. Children at-risk, especially those having had a recent death in the family, need extra attention at this time.
3. When communicating with children who have experienced recent death, be aware that they often take your words literally. Avoid expressions such as:
"(Deceased child) went to sleep."
"(Deceased child) went on a long trip."
"God wanted a special child."
One of the best ways to describe death to children is "death is when the body stops working."
4. Children are in need of reassurance, and may repeatedly ask the same questions about the death. Their security and trust in adults have been shaken, and they may need additional support.
Developing understanding
Adults/children express their feelings in different ways. There is no right or wrong way to express feelings.
Different adults/children express their grief in different ways and over different time periods.
It is normal, after a time, to want to laugh, play and have fun. This does not lessen one's feeling about the adult/child who died.
Bad thoughts or wishes cannot be the cause of another person's death.
Help the children work through any guilt connected with the death by allowing expression and discussion.
Activities
1. Use a variety of approaches to help children to express feelings of anger, guilt, fear, confusion, and sadness through:
Creative writing
a letter to the adult/child who has died expressing genuine feelings from the heart
a condolence letter to relatives of the deceased
keeping a daily log or diary
brain-storming descriptive words for different degrees of feelings. Chart them on a drawing of a thermometer showing where each
word belongs in the range of coolest to hottest.
Art
a booklet of drawings dedicated to the adult/child who died
a group mural
a collage of magazine pictures depicting a variety of feelings
Music
write a song expressing feelings (individual and/or group)
share and play music that the deceased liked
use rhythm band instruments to role-play happy/sad feelings
Drama, Puppetry and Creative Play
write a play commemorating the deceased and remembering highlights of their time together
provide a variety of play materials that allow for expression
Literature
read aloud from recommended children's literature with themes of death
make appropriate literature available to students
2. Help children to plan a commemorative service where they can share letters, poems and/or songs remembering and honoring the child/adult who died. Plant a tree in memory of the deceased. A CONCEPTUAL MODEL FOR THE TASKS OF BEREAVEMENT
By Cristina Casanova for The Guidance Channel
Sandra Fox, in her book Good Grief: Helping Groups of Children When a Friend Dies, presents a four-stage model of grief and bereavement. Dr. Fox's model was initially developed for a situation in which there is an actual death. However, the model also has applicability for general crisis situations.
The four major tasks are:
Understanding
Grieving
Commemorating
Going On
Understanding
Accepting and making sense of what has happened
What has happened? Where? When? To Whom? How?
Who knows, and what do they know?
What is the level of understanding?
Are there any obstacles to understanding, i.e. developmental stages?
What are the issues of concern?
Who will provide information and answer questions? When?
Commemorating
Honoring the memory of the deceased
Observe or engage in rituals/activities acknowledging the loss, and paying tribute to the life of the deceased.
Remembering the deceased by recalling his/her life, thoughts, and activities.
Going On Honoring life
Re-engage in usual activities and events.
Re-establish a sense of "normalcy"/pre-crisis level of
functioning.
MOVING THROUGH THE STAGES OF GRIEF
By Cristina Casanova for The Guidance Channel
Following are some valuable tips…
1. Listen empathetically. Do not interrupt. Encourage the children to experience and express their feelings through a variety of modalities: art, music, drama, writing, etc.
2. Validate the child's feelings and support the reality of their experience. This can be done by using statements
such as:
"This must be very difficult for you."
"You are very angry at what happened."
"You are very sad at the loss of your mother."
3. Be yourself, use your own words and respond naturally. If you are not sure what to say, then try this: "I'm not sure what to say to you, but I do care and understand how you must be very upset. I'll try to help all I can. Can you tell me what you'd like me to do?" If the child is unable to respond, just say, " OK, if you need me, I'm here."
Shock, numbness/paralysis of action, thought, or feeling
Wishful or magical thinking, living in a fantasy world of past memories and unhealthy nostalgia
Denial and refusal to accept reality
Anger -- toward the absent or deceased relative, God, others,
and/or oneself
Bargaining -- either with God or oneself
Blaming -- "If only I'd…"
Depression-obsession or pre-occupation with the loss, wherein
the student becomes emotionless, lifeless or markedly sad
4. Be prepared to give of yourself.
The final goal in the grieving process is acceptance. This is not an
emotionless state but is one wherein emotion is manageable and
comfortable. Once a student can talk about her/his loss with some
measure of control and no longer engages in wishful thinking or over
pre-occupation with the loss, the student can begin living normally
again by accepting the loss, and then life can proceed.
Mary Ann Wonn is director of Pro Kinship for Kids, a mentoring organization, speciializing in adult/child matches, parent education, E-mentoring, Peer mentoring and structured activity groups for at-risk kids. She also works with at-risk children in the court system as a guardian ad litem. Previous to this position, she worked with families as part of the Crisis Support Team for tornado victims in south central Minnesota. She received my Social Work degree from Southern Illinois University in Carbondale, Illinois in 1977.
BankersOnline is a free service made possible by the generous support of our
advertisers and sponsors. Advertisers and sponsors are not responsible for site content. Please help us keep BankersOnline FREE to all
banking professionals. Support our advertisers and sponsors by clicking
through to learn more about their products and services.
Print Friendly
Version!
Email This Article!
Discuss NOW!