Let's Get Stressed!!

by Jeffrey L. Bessey, Ph.D.

? with a tongue-in-cheek look at stress in modern society. Can you identify with this?

What's all this hoopla about stress management? It's as if they want to convince me that stress is like some disease or something. Come on, I'm an intelligent person-they can't fool me. Stress is exhilarating! It keeps me on the edge-keen, sharp, bordering on chaos, tipping into insanity. I happen to like stress. In fact, I've come up with a surefire 10-step program to keep stress up:

1. Be Perfect In All You Do.
   When you decide to do something, no matter what it is, accept nothing less than perfection as a goal. Any performance that falls short of this expectation means you are a total failure. So, be sure to keep the pressure on! Getting 98 out of 100 on a test may get you an 'A' on the test, but it's far from perfect. Don't let yourself slip and accept this dismal performance as "okay."
   
   
2. Expect Others To Be Perfect Too.
   When they inevitably fail to meet your expectation of perfection, tension skyrockets!
   
   
3. Worry, Worry, Worry.
   Go ahead, ruminate and brood. Since you haven't achieved the perfection in step # 1 above, and others fail you in step 2, there's lots to worry about. If you begin to think things are generally going fine, look harder. You're bound to find something that's going wrong. When you do, make sure you think about it a lot, regardless that you can't do anything about it. Make sure you make a mountain out of every molehill!
   
   
4. Plan Two (or Even Three) Times As Much As You Could Possibly Accomplish.
   Make a very long list of what you want to do in a day and when you get done with the day look at everything you didn't get done. This will help you feel inadequate. Even if you do accomplish something, the fact that you haven't accomplished other things will effectively cancel out your accomplishments. This is a more refined skill to raise stress than looking at only the negative?although this works too.
   
   
5. Be Pressured.
   This is actually a very highly developed skill, so read quite carefully. First, intricately and exhaustively outline each and every possible deadline that you have. Next, wait. When you get to the last possible moment, ?act. The reason that this is such a sophisticated skill is that if you accidentally act too soon, you may unintentionally use proactive coping skills. This would lead to a successful resolution of the situation, and remove all the pressure. No way do you want to do that!
   
   
6. Be Responsible For Everything.
   If someone makes a mistake, tell yourself it's your fault. Take it as a personal insult. Don't let yourself let go of that anger and resentment that?
   the waitress took the other table's order first?
   your kid broke your umbrella two months ago and now you're soaked?
   you got picked last for the softball team, again?
   your mother didn't breast feed you?
   
   
7. Be Rigid.
   Like a 156-year-old oak tree, don't bend. Demand that things be done your way. If someone has a different point of view or disagrees with you, see it as a threat to your very existence. Almost any human contact will ensure that your blood pressure will go up.
   
   
8. Be Serious.
   Do not laugh at situations or others and, above all else, do not, I repeat, do not laugh at yourself. Treat everything with the utmost seriousness. Humor could really make you come unglued and lead to a very serious breach in your stress levels. You might even start to see some of the bright side of situations.
   
   
9. Be Vocal And Complain.
   Let others know how stressed you are, but remember-discount and contradict any and all advice designed to help! Your goal is to complain so others will complain, then you can complain more. Strive for "one-upmanship" in the complaint department-because you are self-centered enough to know that no one is more stressed than you are-no one.
   
   
10. There Isn't A Step # 10.
    If the first 9 didn't work-you're hopelessly relaxed!

We're glad to welcome to the BANKERS' HOTLINE Dr. Jeff Bessey, Director of the Psychotherapy & Behavioral Medicine Center. Dr. Bessey is a consultant and published author who frequently presents seminars on Stress Management and other topics. He provides post-trauma consultation to management and employees of financial institutions following robberies. He can be reached through the central office of BANKERS' HOTLINE.

Copyright © 1995 Bankers' Hotline. Originally appeared in Bankers' Hotline, Vol. 5, No. 8, 5/95