An Ode to Customer Service

by Jim Sterne

I have a little problem, so I call you on the phone
I'm given numbered options - to punch them each by tone.
After hitting number 7, then 2, 8, 6 and pound
A short recording tells me that no operators can be found.
They're busy help others and would I hold this once?
Because my call is SO important. What am I? A dunce?

My call's not so important that I'll spend an hour on hold,
While my shoulder aches, my patience bakes and my coffee grows green mold.
Nothing your recording says can cause me to believe
That my call will be taken in the order it was received.

So down I put the telephone and up I pick the modem
To find solutions on your site, and once found, download 'em.
I calmly wait while DNS looks up your URL
I wait until your server answers your home page front door bell.

I wait for frames to paint themselves for my solution to begin,
And then I wait for plug-ins so I can see your logo spin.
I wait to get an audio file - greetings from your CEO He doesn't get the Internet.
But he loves the radio.

I wait until a picture of your building is on my screen
And I realize there are things that should not be heard nor seen.
Finally, there's a menu and I poise my mouse to click...
But first, a Java applet! "Starting Java." You know that won't be quick.

The menu choices indicate you know yourselves full well.
You know all about your company and that's what you want to tell.
But where's the button I can push, that takes me to the page
That solves my problem? Feels my pain? And soothes my mounting rage?

There, in the lower corner, down by the copyright
There's a little tiny icon that looks as if it might
Be a link to customer service, my troubles soon will quit.
I click upon it and I get a 404. Oh sugar.

And when I finally reach that page that promises relief,
I'm staring at a document that's far beyond belief.
For where there should be answers to frequently asked questions
And online help and knowledge-bases, is naught but indigestion.

There in type italics, underlined and bold
Is the number for your help desk phone

I should have stayed on hold.

An author, a consultant to Fortune 500 companies, and a public speaker, Jim Sterne focuses his twenty years in sales and marketing on the changing landscape of the Web as a medium for creating and strengthening customer relationships. He has written several books on marketing and customer service which have been published in 14 languages around the world and have been used as text books in over 50 colleges and universities. You can contact Jim Sterne at (805) 965-3184 or jstern@targeting.com or his website www.WebAnalyticsAssociation.org

Copyright © 2005 Bankers' Hotline. Originally appeared in Bankers' Hotline, Vol. 15, No. 12, 12/05