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#1036059 - 09/05/08 08:40 PM It's been a while
Clown Boy Offline
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I have not heard any of these in awhile and they are always good for a laugh - enjoy!

1. Chuck Norris tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mothers womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFKs head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Chuck Norriss girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS! and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriendís bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, Dont **** with Chuck! Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldnt stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

8. To prove it isnt that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually Chuck Norris more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris robot in disguise, and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of beard. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.

12. When Chuck Norriss wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, Dont worry about it honey, and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, Never question Chuck Norris.

13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger by yelling, Bang!

14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is Charles. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying booya.

17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because hes Chuck Norris.

18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as [censored] take yours. If youre thinking to yourself, Thats impossible, I already lost my virginity., then you are dead wrong.

20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O Briens lever that shows clips from Walker: Texas Ranger and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conans wife.

21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

22. Chuck Norris doesnt have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. Thats why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can accidentally beat the **** out of little kids.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is his way.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that ****** did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the [censored] when she didnt give him exact change.

27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more humane.

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cant see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the [censored] of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, Ill give you something to cry about, and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
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#1036064 - 09/05/08 08:41 PM Re: It's been a while Clown Boy
Peepers Offline
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Who is this Chuck Norris person?

He wouldn't stand a chance against Bob Barker.
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#1036066 - 09/05/08 08:43 PM Re: It's been a while Clown Boy
Truffle Royale Offline

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Are you my son-in-law in costume, Clownie? He brought this home and read us the WHOLE thing. Even when we started to get up and leave the room, he kept reading.

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#1036070 - 09/05/08 08:46 PM Re: It's been a while Truffle Royale
Clown Boy Offline
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I was gonna revive the Bob Barker thread, but I'm way to lazy.. copying and pasting seemed way easier.
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#1036071 - 09/05/08 08:47 PM Re: It's been a while Clown Boy
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You didn't mention his awesome "Just for Men" campaign!
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#1036074 - 09/05/08 08:48 PM Re: It's been a while Clown Boy
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So when did this whole Chuck Norris thing come about in popular culture? Who started it?
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#1036079 - 09/05/08 08:52 PM Re: It's been a while Dip
Peepers Offline
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Originally Posted By: Dip
So when did this whole Chuck Norris thing come about in popular culture? Who started it?


Just asking questions like that could get you killed by a vicious roundhouse kick to the head.
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#1036080 - 09/05/08 08:52 PM Re: It's been a while Dip
Clown Boy Offline
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Originally Posted By: Dip
So when did this whole Chuck Norris thing come about in popular culture? Who started it?


Nobody knows... As soon as a person figures out who started it, they quickly die of a roundhouse kick to the head...
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#1036137 - 09/05/08 09:27 PM Re: It's been a while Clown Boy
buggs Offline
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Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris. (You can't say it with any feeling. I can't.)

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#1036141 - 09/05/08 09:32 PM Re: It's been a while buggs
Bimmer Offline
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Wherever the plane lands
* Sarah Palin was to walk out to the singing of Angels, but convention organizers thought it might come off as showing off.
* Sarah Palinís suit is made from 100% dead liberal skin.
* Sarah Palin prepped for this speech with a ritual sacrifice of Susan Estrich.
* Sarah Palin has actually travelled backwards in time from after the roll call to accept the nomination retroactively.
* Sarah Palin doesnít actually have an accent, itís distortion from her telepathic broadcast directly into your brain.
* In 2003, the US considered deploying Sarah Palin to Iraq as a 1-woman commando squad, but wanted to make it a fair fight.
* As head of Alaskaís Natíl Guard, Sarah Palin taught troops in a training exercise to scare a grenade into not exploding.
* Sarah Palin drives herself to work everyday - in an M1A1 tank
* Sarah Palin believes in change, too. She takes it from your pockets after striking you dead.
* Sarah Palin wears three quarter length sleeves to keep from getting blood on her clothes when she kills liberals.

You can find all these and more at http://www.palinfacts.com/

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#1036372 - 09/08/08 10:50 AM Re: It's been a while Bimmer
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Ugh Bim, can't you leave the BS out of this thread?

CB, my son bought a Chuck Norris T-shirt that has some of those on it!
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#1036424 - 09/08/08 01:39 PM Re: It's been a while DeeQ
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do you think the DQ knows that Chuck is a Pubbie?
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#1036442 - 09/08/08 01:57 PM Re: It's been a while Pale Rider
DeeQ Offline
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Yes, I didn't buy the shirt...
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#1036755 - 09/08/08 06:39 PM Re: It's been a while Pale Rider
Becka Marr Offline
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Originally Posted By: Pale Rider
do you think the DQ knows that Chuck is a Pubbie?


Are you calling Chuck an alcoholic?!
I see a swift roundhouse kick to the head in your future...

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#1036757 - 09/08/08 06:41 PM Re: It's been a while Becka Marr
DeeQ Offline
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Ooooohhh, I wanna do it...
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#1036765 - 09/08/08 06:46 PM Re: It's been a while DeeQ
Becka Marr Offline
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Chuck Norris will drink him under the table and then smash it on his head.
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#1036999 - 09/08/08 08:59 PM Re: It's been a while Becka Marr
Pale Rider Offline
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he lives just a 30 minute drive from here and would not take your joking lightly!!!!!
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#1037034 - 09/08/08 09:30 PM Re: It's been a while Pale Rider
Clown Boy Offline
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It may be a 30 minute drive for a normal person, but for Chuck Norris, it's only a round house kick away... you should be careful Pale.
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#1037043 - 09/08/08 09:37 PM Re: It's been a while DeeQ
Bimmer Offline
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Wherever the plane lands
Originally Posted By: Devil Queen
Ugh Bim, can't you leave the BS out of this thread?



Ummmm..... Isn't this a thread full of BS???
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#1037229 - 09/09/08 10:29 AM Re: It's been a while Bimmer
DeeQ Offline
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Originally Posted By: Bimmer
Originally Posted By: Devil Queen
Ugh Bim, can't you leave the BS out of this thread?



Ummmm..... Isn't this a thread full of BS???


Point, Bimmer.
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