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#1046474 - 09/19/08 08:04 PM Re: Jokes Only Becka Marr
Becka Marr Offline
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Becka Marr
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,152
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To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. ~Elbert Hubbard

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#1046500 - 09/19/08 08:15 PM Re: Jokes Only Becka Marr
Becka Marr Offline
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Becka Marr
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,152
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To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. ~Elbert Hubbard

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#1046501 - 09/19/08 08:16 PM Re: Jokes Only Becka Marr
Sound Tactic Offline
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Sound Tactic
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 5,349
What is he going to do to her teeth?
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If your tagline references disclaimers regarding the nature of political posts, then you should just hit notify.

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#1046505 - 09/19/08 08:19 PM Re: Jokes Only Sound Tactic
Becka Marr Offline
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Becka Marr
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,152
Originally Posted By: StrawmanILK
What is he going to do to her teeth?


I'll give you another chance to think about that one.
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To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. ~Elbert Hubbard

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#1046518 - 09/19/08 08:30 PM Re: Jokes Only Becka Marr
Becka Marr Offline
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Becka Marr
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,152
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
_________________________
To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. ~Elbert Hubbard

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#1046522 - 09/19/08 08:32 PM Re: Jokes Only Becka Marr
kitten Offline
10K Club
kitten
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 12,579
Not prison
Originally Posted By: Becka Marr


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I shall call you Thunder Twonk. ~TfD

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#1046579 - 09/19/08 09:04 PM Re: Jokes Only kitten
BowlingQueen Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,920
Wisconsin
Becka has the bestest jokes today!

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Nothing changes, if nothing changes. (from a good friend of mine) smile

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#1046679 - 09/19/08 11:27 PM Re: Jokes Only Becka Marr
'Lil Freak! Offline
10K Club
'Lil Freak!
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,596
The psych ward
Originally Posted By: Becka Marr




Thank God, there's hope for some relief!
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No, I didn't lose my mind. It got scared and ran away.

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#1046680 - 09/19/08 11:32 PM Re: Jokes Only Sound Tactic
Bimmer Offline
Diamond Poster
Bimmer
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,121
Wherever the plane lands
Originally Posted By: StrawmanILK
What is he going to do to her teeth?



:Pointing at StrawmanILK smiley:
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My silence doesn't mean that I agree with you. It's just that your level of ignorance has rendered me speechless.

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#1046697 - 09/20/08 01:28 AM Re: Jokes Only Becka Marr
'Lil Freak! Offline
10K Club
'Lil Freak!
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,596
The psych ward
Originally Posted By: Becka Marr
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.’

My eyes lit up and I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.’

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?’

She explained, ‘The egg timer’s broken.’

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED...



I still don't get this after reading it for the third time. And why is my frickin' egg so runny??
_________________________
No, I didn't lose my mind. It got scared and ran away.

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#1046808 - 09/21/08 01:58 AM Re: Jokes Only 'Lil Freak!
Tigg Offline
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Tigg
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 6,389
Looking for My Happy Place....
@ LF!
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What would you do if you knew you could not fail? ~ Dr. R Schuller

My opinion only.

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#1047409 - 09/22/08 07:31 PM Re: Jokes Only Tigg
Double U Offline
100 Club
Double U
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 219
BBN
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.
'Then why don't you drive it away?'
'We can't drive.'
'Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting.

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#1049684 - 09/24/08 07:45 PM Re: Jokes Only Double U
SKULLSPLATTER Offline
100 Club
SKULLSPLATTER
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 216
On the concrete
Post removed. Ethnic stereotypes and sexual references.
Last edited by John Burnett; 09/24/08 08:21 PM.
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Kharma's a B***H, and so is her sister, Payback. - The Red Chord

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#1051293 - 09/26/08 03:02 PM Re: Jokes Only SKULLSPLATTER
Compliance Curmudgeon Offline
New Poster
Compliance Curmudgeon
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 21
SF Bay Area CA
IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN.

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

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#1051332 - 09/26/08 03:17 PM Re: Jokes Only Compliance Curmudgeon
kitten Offline
10K Club
kitten
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 12,579
Not prison
_________________________
I shall call you Thunder Twonk. ~TfD

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#1051397 - 09/26/08 03:43 PM Re: Jokes Only kitten
~Special K~ Offline
Power Poster
~Special K~
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 3,619
RRFCG PM
Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low �and somewhat dispondent.


As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

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#1051400 - 09/26/08 03:44 PM Re: Jokes Only ~Special K~
~Special K~ Offline
Power Poster
~Special K~
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 3,619
RRFCG PM

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

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#1051404 - 09/26/08 03:45 PM Re: Jokes Only ~Special K~
Peepers Offline
10K Club
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 13,994
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blah

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#1057762 - 10/03/08 04:04 PM Re: Jokes Only Peepers
Hoosierland Offline
Platinum Poster
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 679
Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it ar ound two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday... '

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'
_________________________
If ignorance is bliss, there ought to be more happy people.

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#1057778 - 10/03/08 04:12 PM Re: Jokes Only Hoosierland
Becka Marr Offline
Power Poster
Becka Marr
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,152
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says,'I like to see accountants on
my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds,'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Houston , says,'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'.

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers.. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he
observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and
the head and the ass are interchangeable!
_________________________
To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. ~Elbert Hubbard

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#1057781 - 10/03/08 04:14 PM Re: Jokes Only Becka Marr
TheManofSteel Offline
10K Club
TheManofSteel
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 10,068
Fortress of Solitude
LOL. Long to tell, but that's a good one.
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"Beneath an ever watchful eye...the angels of the temple fly"

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#1057790 - 10/03/08 04:17 PM Re: Jokes Only TheManofSteel
Becka Marr Offline
Power Poster
Becka Marr
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,152
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico . Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government
doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France ) is sending food and money
The United States , not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

God bless America!
_________________________
To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. ~Elbert Hubbard

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#1057791 - 10/03/08 04:19 PM Re: Jokes Only Becka Marr
TheManofSteel Offline
10K Club
TheManofSteel
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 10,068
Fortress of Solitude
Originally Posted By: Becka Marr
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico . Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government
doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France ) is sending food and money
The United States , not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

God bless America!


Damn that sounds like an -X- joke.
_________________________
"Beneath an ever watchful eye...the angels of the temple fly"

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#1057794 - 10/03/08 04:21 PM Re: Jokes Only TheManofSteel
Becka Marr Offline
Power Poster
Becka Marr
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,152
Originally Posted By: TheManofSteel
Damn that sounds like an -X- joke.


I'm sure he would've posted it
_________________________
To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. ~Elbert Hubbard

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#1058210 - 10/03/08 08:02 PM Re: Jokes Only Becka Marr
Becka Marr Offline
Power Poster
Becka Marr
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,152
Here's one from Mr. X:

Three boys were out fishing one morning, and NObama was out jogging along the adjacent parkway when he tripped and fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service could get to him, the boys saw him thrashing around in the water and pulled him out of the creek. He was so grateful he offered them whatever they wanted. The first said, "I want to go to Disneyland." Nobama replied, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane."

The second one said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes." Nobama said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!"

The third boy said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!"

Nobama was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The boy replied, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"
_________________________
To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. ~Elbert Hubbard

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