Learn More - Click Here!

Page 1 of 2 1 2
Thread Options
#1054558 - 09/30/08 09:02 PM Moving in together before marriage?
Dip Offline
Power Poster
Dip
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 6,298
San Diego, CA
I asked my boyfriend this weekend if he would be ready to move in together with me if I asked him. He is moving home to save money so it was a hypothetical question. He replied that he doesn't believe in moving in before marriage and that the chances for divorce are greater if you live together before you marry.

His parents lived together first and they are still going strong, so not sure where he gets this idea.

I also know he wants to wait until after he graduates nursing school before getting married, which puts our timeline out AT LEAST two years.

I understand wanting to wait for school to be over before getting married (we both have two years of school ahead of us), but it makes me a little sad to think we won't progress any by at least moving in together.

What do you guys think about moving in before getting married?
_________________________
Dabbling in banking, law, accounting...the life of a trustee.

Return to Top
#1054620 - 09/30/08 09:26 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Dip
Sing A Little Offline
Power Poster
Sing A Little
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 3,889
CA
I think it's a good thing to live together before you get married. You really don't know someone until you live with them 24/7. It gives you the chance to find out who they really are and all of the good/bad habits that come with them.

You're talking about one of the biggest decisions of your life, so why not make an informed decision.
_________________________
He who sings scares away his woes. ~Cervantes

Return to Top
#1054649 - 09/30/08 09:37 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Sing A Little
Bankster Offline
Gold Star
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 440
Midwest
Ditto on Sing A Little's post. You'd be surprised at how well you DON'T know each other until you live together!
_________________________
It's karma, baby.

Return to Top
#1054686 - 09/30/08 10:41 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Bankster
califgirl Offline
Diamond Poster
califgirl
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 2,355
The O.C., California
Agree with Sing A Little also. But - if he's not ready, he's not ready. Both parties need to be in agreement on this.

We lived together for 2 and a half years before we got married and just celebrated our 25th anniversary, so it worked for us!

How long have you been together, Dip? It doesn't seem like it's been very long, from reading your posts. Everyone's relationship is different, of course. We had a long-distance relationship for 2 years before he moved to CA.
_________________________
I can explain it to you. I can't understand it for you.

Return to Top
#1054687 - 09/30/08 10:42 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Bankster
Happy Birthday Becka Marr Offline
Power Poster
Becka Marr
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,152
Ditto Ditto! And I'd think carefully about someone who would rather move back in with his parents than move forward in your relationship.
_________________________
To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. ~Elbert Hubbard

Return to Top
#1054725 - 09/30/08 11:23 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Becka Marr
Dip Offline
Power Poster
Dip
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 6,298
San Diego, CA
Naw...I encouraged him to move home. That way, he can buy a house when he graduates (saved nearly $30-grand).

We've been dating nearly a year and it is going really well--we have good communication and our families get along well
_________________________
Dabbling in banking, law, accounting...the life of a trustee.

Return to Top
#1054728 - 09/30/08 11:31 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Dip
Ops Offline
Power Poster
Ops
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,827
Georgia
My hubby and I didn't live together before we were married. We knew each other soo well that when we DID get married and move in together, it really just wasn't an adjustment. We've been married pushing 3 years, and so far so good.

(By the way, we dated for 3 and a half years, and were engaged two of those.)
Last edited by Ops; 10/01/08 12:24 AM.
Return to Top
#1054747 - 10/01/08 12:11 AM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Ops
Truffle Royale Offline

10K Club
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 17,324
Good gravy! Old lady sounding off here. If my daughter's BF said he was moving home to save money to buy a house rather than move in with my daughter and 'live in sin' I'd be dancing in the street! You found yourself a diamond in the rough. He respects you and isn't going to tarnish your image or your relationship by moving in with you now. Get a female roommate if you need help with your rent. Or move home yourself. There's no shame in that. Be proud of him. And remember to thank God that you can count yourself among the lucky few woman who found a man who doesn't want you just for ..........!

Return to Top
#1054750 - 10/01/08 12:27 AM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Truffle Royale
corkygirl Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 4,241
middle of the country
I've seen it work both ways, living together didn't really help for some and did for others. No one way to live, just do what is best for the two of you. I don't believe it would be living in sin, not in my eyes anyway. My oldest and his wife lived together before they were married and so far it's been good. Youngest did not but she was there 'often' so not sure what the difference was really.

Like TR said, it sounds like he respects you and you have a good man there. When the time is right, you'll know what's the right thing to do. JMO, as a lady older than TR
_________________________
Treading water in a hurricane

Return to Top
#1054753 - 10/01/08 12:38 AM Re: Moving in together before marriage? corkygirl
Truffle Royale Offline

10K Club
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 17,324
I'm beginning to think I speak a foreign language that nobody understands. I was kidding about the 'living in sin' hence the '..' I was just trying to convey how unusual it is to find a man who respects a lady this way in this day and age. geeesh.

Return to Top
#1054759 - 10/01/08 12:54 AM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Truffle Royale
Mrs. Rizzo Offline
10K Club
Mrs. Rizzo
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 10,392
Curled up by the fire...
Dip, I've seen both sides of this one succeed and fail. I think it's admirable to not live together and have that excitement of getting married and living together all wrapped up in one. It probably just differs from couple to couple. In the end, if you are with someone and know that they are the "one", then it shouldn't matter.
I wish you luck!

And, ditto TR. It's refreshing to see young couples following older traditions. After all, look at couples that have been married for 50 years!
_________________________
Take responsibility for your life.

Return to Top
#1054779 - 10/01/08 02:16 AM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Mrs. Rizzo
Tigg Offline
Power Poster
Tigg
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 6,389
Looking for My Happy Place....
Although my hubby and I knew each other literally forever, before we started dating, we did move in together 8 months before getting married. We were engaged & had a deal on an apartment and thought it was silly for one or the other to move in and the opposite one be there all the time anyway. I can honestly say it worked out fine - 16 years of wedded bliss on Friday!
_________________________
What would you do if you knew you could not fail? ~ Dr. R Schuller

My opinion only.

Return to Top
#1054803 - 10/01/08 04:21 AM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Tigg
Dip Offline
Power Poster
Dip
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 6,298
San Diego, CA
Thanks so much everyone--I guess my bf's thoughts on this aren't so weird even in this day and age.

My bf really is a gem of a find--thanks for enforcing that fact! I feel much better
_________________________
Dabbling in banking, law, accounting...the life of a trustee.

Return to Top
#1054876 - 10/01/08 12:55 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Dip
waldensouth Offline
Power Poster
waldensouth
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 7,979
FINALLY ABOVE the gnat line
Dip,

Living with someone before marriage does not guarantee success in marriage or in the relationship. Too often its a time for the uncommitted to say "I tried this and its not going to work." Then they leave and you've given so much of your heart and life to trying to make it work.

The fact that he doesn't want to live with you outside of marriage doesn't mean that your relationship can't progress. Could it be that you're ready for a step that he isn't willing to take? Is he just not ready for that kind of commitment? It is a commitment whether married or not. I think its refreshingly honest of him to tell you up front instead of leading you on until the "right one" comes along.

Support his decision to complete his education before making such commitments and spend as much time as possible together. He sounds like a nice guy and those are pretty tough to come by these days.
_________________________
"Once you learn to read, you will be forever free."

- Frederick Douglass




My Opinion Only.

Return to Top
#1056801 - 10/02/08 06:31 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Truffle Royale
corkygirl Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 4,241
middle of the country
Originally Posted By: Truffle Royale
I'm beginning to think I speak a foreign language that nobody understands. I was kidding about the 'living in sin' hence the '..' I was just trying to convey how unusual it is to find a man who respects a lady this way in this day and age. geeesh.


It's probably just me TR, I'm having one of those weeks lately. I think my 'sense of humor' got lost somewhere during the last two audits that came back to back! Sorry
Last edited by corkygirl; 10/02/08 06:32 PM.
_________________________
Treading water in a hurricane

Return to Top
#1056989 - 10/02/08 07:54 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? corkygirl
RR Becca Offline
Power Poster
RR Becca
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 5,245
out of the frying pan...
Honestly, Dip - I learned more living with platonic guy roommates than from living with hubby-to-be while we were engaged. The biggest lesson? *I'm* not that easy to live with.

Good luck!
_________________________
You call it ADD. I call it multi-tasking.

Return to Top
#1057093 - 10/02/08 08:38 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? RR Becca
BurntSienna Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 2,407
Midwest
I'm sure I'll be perceived as extremely old-fashioned for saying this, but since you're asking what people think, I say: don't do it. Move in together if and only if you have a formal commitment to one another and your relationship, i.e. a marriage.
_________________________
"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." - Melody Beattie

Return to Top
#1057118 - 10/02/08 08:56 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? BurntSienna
Zoo Mama Offline
100 Club
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 172
I will throw in my two cents as well. I lived with my now husband for a year and half before we married. It was extrememly draining on me emotionally and was a point of contention between us. You see, unlike some here, I did not view living together as moving forward, to me it felt like a stall tactic. As if he were test driving a car because he wasn't sure that a better deal wasn't going to come along. There were also many tearful discussions of how I felt we were throwing God's blessings back in His face by living together. This is a highly personal decision that you may not fully understand until you are in it. Please make a decision that you are willing to live with, whatever may come. And to descend from my soapbox, when he realized the emotional toll I was taking we were married within six months. He can't understand how I felt that way, but he understood that I did. Best of luck to you.

Return to Top
#1057152 - 10/02/08 09:21 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Dip
Sinatra Fan Offline
Power Poster
Sinatra Fan
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 5,568
New Jersey
Originally Posted By: Dip
I asked my boyfriend this weekend if he would be ready to move in together with me if I asked him. He is moving home to save money so it was a hypothetical question. He replied that he doesn't believe in moving in before marriage and that the chances for divorce are greater if you live together before you marry.
His parents lived together first and they are still going strong, so not sure where he gets this idea.

I also know he wants to wait until after he graduates nursing school before getting married, which puts our timeline out AT LEAST two years.

I understand wanting to wait for school to be over before getting married (we both have two years of school ahead of us), but it makes me a little sad to think we won't progress any by at least moving in together.

What do you guys think about moving in before getting married?


Dip, you understand his desire to wait until after school is finished to get married; apparently you both realize the wisdom of getting on a stronger footing financially before getting hitched. And that's good.

Can you understand his moral stance (which, in my mind, is a stronger emphasis than the financial one), and his reasons for not wanting to live together before committing to marriage? I would think his willingness to wait for you, and his desire to do what he thinks is best for your long-term relationship, would make you realize how much he cares for you, even if you don't agree with his stance on this issue.

And please don't assume that not living together before marriage means your relationship "won't progress any." I suspect the opposite may very well turn out to be your experience.

Anyway, I thought at least you might want another guy's perspective on the matter.
_________________________
Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things. Peter Drucker

Return to Top
#1057157 - 10/02/08 09:24 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Zoo Mama
Sing A Little Offline
Power Poster
Sing A Little
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 3,889
CA
I lived with my husband for about 2 years before we got married. We were engaged at the time and really got to know each other much better over those 2 years.

There were things we discovered about each other we didn't like and had to either compromise or deal with them. All the cards were on the table by the time we walked down the aisle and I knew exactly what I was getting into.
_________________________
He who sings scares away his woes. ~Cervantes

Return to Top
#1057185 - 10/02/08 09:39 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Sing A Little
#Just Jay Online
10K Club
#Just Jay
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 14,390
Cheeseheadland
Even the farmer sees no need to rush and move into the barn if he was getting the milk for free.

_________________________
I don't repeat gossip, so listen closely...

Return to Top
#1057204 - 10/02/08 09:51 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? #Just Jay
Sing A Little Offline
Power Poster
Sing A Little
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 3,889
CA
But if he's getting the milk "to go" instead of at home...what's the difference?
_________________________
He who sings scares away his woes. ~Cervantes

Return to Top
#1057757 - 10/03/08 04:00 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Sing A Little
RR Becca Offline
Power Poster
RR Becca
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 5,245
out of the frying pan...
Originally Posted By: Sing A Little
But if he's getting the milk "to go" instead of at home...what's the difference?


*snort* I love it, Sing! This is the point of the argument that I've never understood either. I kind of figured that if we lived under the same roof I at least knew where he was at night. Besides, even when we had our own places we rarely stayed in them separately - so what was the point of paying two rents?
_________________________
You call it ADD. I call it multi-tasking.

Return to Top
#1057776 - 10/03/08 04:11 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? Sing A Little
#Just Jay Online
10K Club
#Just Jay
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 14,390
Cheeseheadland
Originally Posted By: Sing A Little
But if he's getting the milk "to go" instead of at home...what's the difference?


Would you rather live in the comfort of the farmhouse, or in the barn.

I may like sippin' the milk, but if I can get the milk anytime I want it, whats the sense of living in the barn?
_________________________
I don't repeat gossip, so listen closely...

Return to Top
#1058390 - 10/03/08 10:25 PM Re: Moving in together before marriage? #Just Jay
Sing A Little Offline
Power Poster
Sing A Little
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 3,889
CA
If you're sippin the milk, then help take care of the cow.
_________________________
He who sings scares away his woes. ~Cervantes

Return to Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderator:  Andy_Z, John Burnett