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#1062367 - 10/09/08 08:20 PM Husband's 3rd DWI
BowlingQueen Offline
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,916
Wisconsin
I got home last night, checked the mail, only to discover a suspicious piece of mail. It was from a county court office up north. My husband has been up north a lot lately for a job that he has been working on (supposedly), so I felt compelled to open it in case it was important.

I could NOT believe what I was reading. Of course, I got really upset, but I had to pick-up my son from his drum lesson so I tried to keep myself pulled together. I tried calling him on his cell while I was driving and, of course, he did not answer. He finally called me back and I asked him if he "has anything he needs to tell me". He hesitated for a few seconds, then said "Not right now", and I'm like "what if I already know?". He said "it is something that we should talk about face-to-face". Mind you he has been up north for the better part of the last 3 weeks, so when in the he\\ are we going to talk about it face-to-face? He kept this from me for 3 weeks and did not tell me!

I told him after the 2nd time that if this ever happens again, I will leave him. He promised me that he is done with drinking and that he knows he has a problem. That was 5 years ago.

To add insult to injury, a little over a month ago, he confided to me that he had been gambling (playing poker). That day I had questioned him why he was making so many ATM withdrawals from his business account, because it was really starting to add up to a lot of money. I actually asked him numerous times prior but he kept blowing me off. I did not give him a hard time about it, but I told him that he better make good with the finances and that I better not be stuck not being able to pay our bills.

We have two teenagers. One of them is a senior in high school and he has been very difficult pretty much his entire teenage life. Many issues with him, but their relationship is so bad right now, and I fear this may push my son over the edge with anger.

My head is telling me to divorce him. How much more can I possibly take? I mean, how could I possibly continue to stand by him? Right?

Any words of wisdom out there that I haven't heard yet?
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Nothing changes, if nothing changes. (from a good friend of mine) smile

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#1062371 - 10/09/08 08:23 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI BowlingQueen
KAT Offline
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Massachusetts
I have not been in your situation but I will pray for guidance for you.

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#1062401 - 10/09/08 08:52 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI KAT
Mrs. Rizzo Offline
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Curled up by the fire...
I don't mean to kick you while you're down but what about for better or WORSE? Maybe he needs an intervention by those that love and care for him???? Have you guys thought about any type of family counseling?
I really don't mean to sound rude and I honestly can't put myself in your shoes so I'm sorry if it comes out that way.
::hugs and prayers for you and your family::
_________________________
Take responsibility for your life.

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#1062403 - 10/09/08 08:54 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI KAT
kitten Offline
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Not prison
i don't have words of wisdom for you either, BQ.

but, regardless of anyone's advice, i would bet that in your heart and head, you already know what you need to do - for you and for your kids.

i wish you strength.
_________________________
I shall call you Thunder Twonk. ~TfD

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#1062409 - 10/09/08 09:03 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Mrs. Rizzo
Becka Marr Offline
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Posts: 6,152
BQ, if this isn't the first time, it won't be the last, either. There is a pattern of behavior with your husband that you cannot control. You have to decide if you're going to stick with your behavior pattern, or try something new.

If he has not sought professional help for his problems, I would start by suggesting that. If he is willing to work out his own issues, I would consider a separation (not full divorce) to give both of you some personal space - this may not be a situation that can be resolved together, if it is creating too much tension.
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To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. ~Elbert Hubbard

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#1062412 - 10/09/08 09:07 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Mrs. Rizzo
BowlingQueen Offline
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Wisconsin
Originally Posted By: Rizzo
I don't mean to kick you while you're down but what about for better or WORSE? Maybe he needs an intervention by those that love and care for him???? Have you guys thought about any type of family counseling?
I really don't mean to sound rude and I honestly can't put myself in your shoes so I'm sorry if it comes out that way.
::hugs and prayers for you and your family::


"For better or WORSE" is why I have stayed with him for 17 years. I guess not that it even matters, but this recent incident happened TWO weeks before our 17th anniversary. I guess I should thank my lucky stars that at least he isn't abusive to me anymore, huh? That stopped right before his 2nd DWI.

Apparently, I am just stupid, because I kept thinking that things would get better (and they were for a while), but if crashing through the windshield of a vehicle doesn't make you stop drinking and 45 days in jail doesn't make you stop....you just aren't going to stop.....what does he have to lose? He's obviously not worried about losing me and his kids.
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Nothing changes, if nothing changes. (from a good friend of mine) smile

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#1062432 - 10/09/08 09:28 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI BowlingQueen
Mrs. Rizzo Offline
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Posts: 10,392
Curled up by the fire...
Originally Posted By: BowlingQueen
Originally Posted By: Rizzo
I don't mean to kick you while you're down but what about for better or WORSE? Maybe he needs an intervention by those that love and care for him???? Have you guys thought about any type of family counseling?
I really don't mean to sound rude and I honestly can't put myself in your shoes so I'm sorry if it comes out that way.
::hugs and prayers for you and your family::


"For better or WORSE" is why I have stayed with him for 17 years. I guess not that it even matters, but this recent incident happened TWO weeks before our 17th anniversary. I guess I should thank my lucky stars that at least he isn't abusive to me anymore, huh? That stopped right before his 2nd DWI.

Apparently, I am just stupid, because I kept thinking that things would get better (and they were for a while), but if crashing through the windshield of a vehicle doesn't make you stop drinking and 45 days in jail doesn't make you stop....you just aren't going to stop.....what does he have to lose? He's obviously not worried about losing me and his kids.


This is so very sad. 17 years is a long time to suffer and wait and then suffer some more. I am truly sorry for your hardships. I hope you find some peace soon.
_________________________
Take responsibility for your life.

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#1062441 - 10/09/08 09:34 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Mrs. Rizzo
hmdagal Offline
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Have you tried Al-Anon? It may help you understand and come to terms with what is going on with him.

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#1062443 - 10/09/08 09:40 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI hmdagal
BowlingQueen Offline
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Wisconsin
I haven't........but I may do that. Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers.

He is not an evil person or anything. Actually, he has a very good heart, which is why I haven't left him. He swears he doesn't want to lose me.....and he hasn't yet, I guess.

He lost his father when he was only 10 years old, and his mother remarried 3 times. One of the step-dads was an alcoholic and abusive to my husband's mother. She left him and married a guy that up-rooted the whole family when he was a freshman in high school. Then the guy started working back where they originally moved from and was commuting. Then....he only came home on weekends....then he started not coming home at all. Pretty traumatic for a kid. Now my sons are suffering the same kind of situation, but they "have" their father. You know?
_________________________
Nothing changes, if nothing changes. (from a good friend of mine) smile

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#1062452 - 10/09/08 09:51 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI BowlingQueen
tcredle Offline
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Posts: 136
All things are possible, but only from our Lord Jesus Christ. Do not let anyone throw you into a pit that you will not be able to get out of. Talk with your pastor and church family and if you do not have one then find one. You cannot change your husband and he has to be willing and wanting the change and it will not be an easy challenge to overcome. You can only offer your love and support. Look up and reach out your hand for he is waiting and wanting to help. All you have to do is ask and have faith. Sometimes we are given or sent trials and tributions in our lives because we are not where we need to be.

God Bless you and your family.

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#1062454 - 10/09/08 09:52 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI BowlingQueen
GerryLover71 Offline
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Posts: 249
In Limbo....
BQ...I have been married for 7 years to a man who has had an addiction for 30+ years. All I can say is love him, pray for him, and ask him to get professional help, like an addiction counselor. If he truly cares about you and your kids, he will oblige. He has to want the marriage more than the addiction.
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1 Timothy 2:1-8

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#1062474 - 10/09/08 10:53 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI GerryLover71
Sing A Little Offline
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Sing A Little
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CA
My experience comes from a different perspective. My father was a drug addict and he wouldn't stop. I only have vague memories of him because when he refused to get help or go through any counseling my Mother kicked him to the curb. I never saw him again and looking back I am grateful that I was spared that experience.

I've grown up seeing other friends and family and their children suffer at the expense of people who seems to love their addictions more then their loved ones.

I am not in your shoes, but IMO your first priority needs to be the safety and welfare of you and your children, then worry about your husband. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, but you can control what you do about it.
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He who sings scares away his woes. ~Cervantes

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#1062489 - 10/09/08 11:34 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Sing A Little
bOaty Offline
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Chillin an grillin
That's a tough one BQ.

I think that the person with the problem has to want to make a major change in their life all on their own and there is just nothing anyone can do to make them get to that point. What else can you but either put up with it or leave?

I deal with a similar situation except for he's been lucky enough never to be caught, I'm sure his luck will run out one day and I always swear that when it happens it's over. I refuse to put my family through that. I talk tough now but we'll see what happens when the time comes.

Best of luck to you and you have our support!!
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#1062498 - 10/10/08 12:29 AM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI bOaty
Blade Scrapper Offline
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Posts: 5,912
Outside A Garage
"An addict who does not want to stop using will not stop using. They can be analyzed, counseled, reasoned with, prayed over, threatened, beaten or locked up, but they will not stop until they want to stop." Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text

Do what you need to for yourself. Groups like Al_anon can help you understand your husband's addiction and support you learning to establish healthy boundaries, whatever course of action you choose to take. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Good luck.
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...you guys, I'm going home

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#1062534 - 10/10/08 03:54 AM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Blade Scrapper
corkygirl Offline
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middle of the country
Find an Alanon meeting in your area and there you will find others that understand like few can. No one can 'make another person stop drinking' - I tried for years and years. Just made me sick, physically and emotionally. PM me if you want to talk. {{{HUGS}}}
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Treading water in a hurricane

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#1062538 - 10/10/08 05:24 AM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI BowlingQueen
Clown Boy Offline
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here and there
Originally Posted By: BowlingQueen
Originally Posted By: Rizzo
I don't mean to kick you while you're down but what about for better or WORSE? Maybe he needs an intervention by those that love and care for him???? Have you guys thought about any type of family counseling?
I really don't mean to sound rude and I honestly can't put myself in your shoes so I'm sorry if it comes out that way.
::hugs and prayers for you and your family::


"For better or WORSE" is why I have stayed with him for 17 years. I guess not that it even matters, but this recent incident happened TWO weeks before our 17th anniversary. I guess I should thank my lucky stars that at least he isn't abusive to me anymore, huh? That stopped right before his 2nd DWI.

Apparently, I am just stupid, because I kept thinking that things would get better (and they were for a while), but if crashing through the windshield of a vehicle doesn't make you stop drinking and 45 days in jail doesn't make you stop....you just aren't going to stop.....what does he have to lose? He's obviously not worried about losing me and his kids.


First of all, I'm going through a really bad time myself and am very bitter....

but I think that sometimes its best to just cut your loses. If a person doesn't care anymore, then they just don't care. It's been my experience (and it's far less then 17 years) that it is nearly impossible to change the way another person lives. you have to do what's best for your kids. After all, life is meaningless if you are unable to pass your morals onto them. I would say that if you truly feel that leaving him is best for your children, then by all means, do so. If you think that this can be worked out then you have to give it your best.

I was raised my whole life without a father and it's hard, extremely, but I'm thankful that my mother cared enough about us to leave him when she did. A DWI is a horrible thing. 3rd DWI only means he's been caught 3 times, not that he's only been drinking and driving 3 times. What happens if he decides it's ok to do so with one of your children in the car? IMHO you have to look at what's best for your kids, not what's best for you and him...

Again, I'm very bitter at my (ex) spouse, so I urge you to take my words with a grain of salt.
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I am the ringmaster of my domain!

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#1062547 - 10/10/08 11:28 AM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Clown Boy
DeeQ Offline
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Turnpike Exit 10
BQ, I don't have any advice but as another said, go with your heart and head. Be strong for yourself and your kids.
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#1062549 - 10/10/08 11:57 AM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI DeeQ
TINKerBell Offline
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Tiger's Den!
BQ, I left my first husband after 7 years, solely because he wouldn't stop drinking. I had to make the decision; Do I want my children being raised in an environment where the cycle of drinking, abuse, apology, and short sobriety were continual? That was surely no life for them. When I made the final decision to leave, that's when he entered rehab. I did go visit him there, and he told me...."You know I am doing this for you and the kids, don't you?" I knew then that my decision to leave was the right one...he needed to do it for himself, not for us. I have a great family and wonderful friends who where there for me when I thought I would go crazy...trying to handle three pre-school age children while learning to be on my own. Looking back, I ask myself...would I have made the same decision if I had to do it all over again? Most definitely! He still drinks!

Whichever route you choose, I wish you peace.
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The last thing that blew my mind was the wind.

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#1062582 - 10/10/08 12:39 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI TINKerBell
Bagweaver Offline
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SW GA
My ex-husband was an alcoholic. I know that he had four, maybe five, DWIs during our 10 year marriage. His drinking slowly increased over the years. His verbal abuse began to change to physical toward not only me but our son. He always told me that he wasn't an alcoholic - he could quit drinking any time he wanted to, he just didn't want to (classic denial) so of course he never went for treatment. When he wasn't drinking, he was one of the nicest men I knew, but when he was drinking . . .

He has now almost no relationship with his son because he would call him while he was drunk and cry and complain about how badly life is treating him. Now my son screens his calls and doesn't talk with him. He doesn't want his father to be around him or want his family around him.

My son has said in the past he couldn't understand why I stayed with him as long as I did. I did it because I was raised that marriage was forever, that I still loved him (but he finally killed that love), and that his son needed him. This man will never change because he doesn't want to change.

Sorry you're in this type of situation. It can be an absolute h@ll. Do what is best for you and your sons as you see it.
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Semiretired. Working parttime at Historic Westville as a tour guide.

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#1062745 - 10/10/08 02:42 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Bagweaver
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southeast
Great advice so far, especially to hook into support groups like Al-Anon and concentrate on yourself and your sons. Mentally, physically, fiscally - can you afford to keep on "walking on eggshells" wondering when the next crisis will hit?

One thing others haven't emphasized is the possible, developing addiction to gambling. Frequently addicts exchange one addiction for another, or just pile on addictions.

It's a tough decision, a tough road, and we're all pulling/praying for you.
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From the end spring new beginnings.
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#1062755 - 10/10/08 02:48 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Bagweaver
BowlingQueen Offline
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Wisconsin
Thank you everyone for being so caring and open about your experiences. For those of you that have been through it, and survived, is what gives me hope that whatever decision I make it has to be about my kids and me. Not him. I do know that, really.

I still have not spoken with him anymore about it. I don't know when that will happen. He finally came back from up north last night, but I wasn't ready to talk to him. The thought just made me more angry.

I'm guessing that he will be going away for a much longer period of time than the last, but I don't know when that's going to happen because I know that he plead "Not Guilty". So he must be fighting it on "probable cause". In any event, that is going to drag this whole thing out, I'm sure.

One thing I haven't mentioned is that one of my younger brothers happened to be in the vehicle with him, along with a couple others, the night that he was busted. He seems to actually think that my husband was OK to drive when he got pulled over, but that's neither here nor there right now. Of course, they ALL had been drinking.

Anyway, thank you all of you so much for sharing your thoughts.
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Nothing changes, if nothing changes. (from a good friend of mine) smile

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#1062767 - 10/10/08 02:54 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI BowlingQueen
DeeQ Offline
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Turnpike Exit 10
Good luck with what ever you decide BQ.
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#1062770 - 10/10/08 02:54 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Phoenix
BowlingQueen Offline
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,916
Wisconsin
Originally Posted By: Phoenix
Great advice so far, especially to hook into support groups like Al-Anon and concentrate on yourself and your sons. Mentally, physically, fiscally - can you afford to keep on "walking on eggshells" wondering when the next crisis will hit?

One thing others haven't emphasized is the possible, developing addiction to gambling. Frequently addicts exchange one addiction for another, or just pile on addictions.

It's a tough decision, a tough road, and we're all pulling/praying for you.


That's already happened. He admitted to me about a month ago that he had been gambling. Playing poker to be exact. Hearing him admit that was like he was stabbing me right in the heart.

My mother has a gambling addiction that resulted in my parents' divorce. My father lost out in a huge way financially. In addition to having to sell their house, just to get out of debt, he agreed to pay her half of his pension (he was starting retirement at the time he was divorcing her). Anyway, to date, he has paid HER in excess of $150,000 and I know for a fact she is still in debt up to her eyeballs. In just makes me SICK (not to mention angry).
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Nothing changes, if nothing changes. (from a good friend of mine) smile

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#1062793 - 10/10/08 03:04 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI BowlingQueen
kitten Offline
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Not prison
Originally Posted By: BowlingQueen


is still in debt up to her eyeballs.


did someone mention eyeballs??





sorry. wanted to bring a teensy joke your way...
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I shall call you Thunder Twonk. ~TfD

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#1062816 - 10/10/08 03:13 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI BowlingQueen
Snow Bunny Offline
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In the Snow :)
BQ, I pray for you to have the wisdom to reach the right decision, and the courage to take the action that goes along with it.

Addiction is a horrible thing, and can't be overcome unless the person commits to it.

Hang in there, and we're here for you if you need us.
_________________________
The woods are lovely dark & deep & I have promises to keep & miles to go before I sleep and miles to go before I sleep

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