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#1062829 - 10/10/08 03:20 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI kitten
BowlingQueen Offline
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,916
Wisconsin
Originally Posted By: EYE-D-K
Originally Posted By: BowlingQueen


is still in debt up to her eyeballs.


did someone mention eyeballs??





sorry. wanted to bring a teensy joke your way...

I actually thought that was quite funny. I may lose everything else, but I want to keep my sense of humor intact.

Thanks.
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#1062834 - 10/10/08 03:21 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI kitten
MichelleDawn Offline
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MichelleDawn
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 5,994
Remember that you can't change other people, you can only change yourself. Get to Al-Anon and start examining the reasons you are still in the relationship. YOU have to be healthy for your kids.

Also, realize that if this continues, there may be civil repercussions for damages to property (or heaven forbid loss of life if he kills someone) and as long as you are married that means his poor choices can wipe you out financially. Once again, you need to think about what that would mean for your kids. College? Health care?

I'm sure this isn't easy and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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#1063222 - 10/10/08 07:45 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI MichelleDawn
Dip Offline
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Dip
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 6,298
San Diego, CA
Not experienced and I've not been in thisd situation, but my un-biased and un-emotional reaction is...leave him.

You leave your future to too much risk if you stay with him. Like you said, you've tried for 17 years. That's a big effort. At some point, enough is enough. Sounds to me like it's that point.
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Dabbling in banking, law, accounting...the life of a trustee.

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#1063285 - 10/10/08 08:36 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Dip
Snow Bunny Offline
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Snow Bunny
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,141
In the Snow :)
BQ - There's one question that a lot of this rides on - Do you Love Him? Look at yourself and him honestly and openly and see if you still love him.

I have put up with many things in 30 years that many people would not have. But, at the end of the day, my heart still leaps when I hear his voice or see a glimpse of him.

If the answer is yes, try an intervention or whatever it takes. If that doesn't work, then you have a decision to make.

Good Luck!
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The woods are lovely dark & deep & I have promises to keep & miles to go before I sleep and miles to go before I sleep

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#1063439 - 10/10/08 10:08 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Snow Bunny
QCL Offline

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QCL
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,259
NW IL
Pooh,
While my mother would agree with you. I do not.
See my parents (after 31 years together are going through something quite similar). I am the eternal optimist, this you must know about me. And my mother is the same. She doesn't want to give up hope, and feels that this too shall pass.

My father's drinking is the stem of it all - the girlfriend that we found out about this summer, the treating 'his girls' like [censored], the denial...

His DUI was 20 years ago, but his actions have never changed. He still drinks and drives, he still denys, and now he had found a new addiction - this other woman. In our case I think that it is just that, another addiction. They go to counseling and then he sends a text to the new girl...yuk.

As a child watching all of this unfold, I am sick with grief. Sick over the loss of my parents relationship. Sick.
I can't stand watching him drink. I can't stand the person that he has become. And if my mother wants to put up with it, fine, but I am out.

I am sorry for adding my own stuff to your post, but wanted to offer another side. Everyone here gave good advice, I have been eagerly reading it for myself.

My prayers are with you.
Seek professional help.
Don't make a rash decision.
God Bless.
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#1063478 - 10/11/08 01:28 AM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI QCL
Snow Bunny Offline
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Snow Bunny
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,141
In the Snow :)
My heart goes out to you QF - I can't imagine.

While I have dealt with many things, addiction by my husband has not been one. I consider myself very,very lucky about that. I can see where you pulled your name from. Fortitude must be something you deal with every, single, day, of, your, life. I will keep you and your mother and your family in my prayers also.

This thread has pulled so much at my heartstrings. There are so many of us who have dealt with so much.

I do understand addiction - but in our case, it was our son. One of the greatest things about this forum is This Couch. We all pull strength from one another and are glad to give it back in return.

May you all have a great weekend! Any if you are San Fran fans - don't worry, you'll have another win under your belts on Sunday



P.S. Go Phillies
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The woods are lovely dark & deep & I have promises to keep & miles to go before I sleep and miles to go before I sleep

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#1063508 - 10/11/08 04:50 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Snow Bunny
Tigg Offline
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Tigg
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 6,389
Looking for My Happy Place....
Wishing you strength and courage in whatever decision you choose, BQ.
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What would you do if you knew you could not fail? ~ Dr. R Schuller

My opinion only.

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#1063694 - 10/13/08 06:08 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Tigg
BowlingQueen Offline
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,916
Wisconsin
Thank you LaBG.....and thank you QF for your perspective also. I'm sorry and can totally relate. My mother has a gambling addiction and it's hard to see past that even with the nice things she tries to do. She means well, so I try to remember that.

Take care.
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#1063777 - 10/14/08 03:51 AM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI BowlingQueen
Darkhorse Offline
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Darkhorse
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 501
out of my mind
BQ, my heart goes out to you. I'm in a wonderful second marriage now, but let me tell you about my first.

I loved him completely, more than I will ever love another human being. At first, our life was perfect, fun, the stuff dreams are made of. Then, over the course of a couple of years, he became an alcoholic (his dad had been once also, but was sober for the time I knew him well). First, he just drank at home a bit. Then, he'd stay up late a bit (drinking of course). The he started to go out with his friends (eventually ever single night). Finally, when he had lost his job and I was working full time, plus getting my bachelors full time, and he was doing a couple of hours a semester at the community college, he'd crack a beer when I got up to the alarm in the morning. He'd drink all day, all night, catch a few hours sleep and start again. More than spare money went to booze - I had to hide $$ just to pay the rent and utilities. Then, the cheating started. First "just" a girl I had to work with every day (I can't tell you the pain I still feel when I think about that). Then his classmates. All these females calling in the middle of the night, all day on the weekends when he was playing softball (except he'd be taking a break off field if I ever went to check on him). Husbands on my doorstep when I got off work wanted to know were the #$%^&*&^%$# their wives were since they hadn't seen them in days while they were "studying" with my husband. Then, when I thought it wouldn't get worse, he started hitting me (I'm sure it's because I stopped holding my tounge about everything but still, seriously?). Now he had broken my 3 cardinal rules - don't beat on me, don't cheat on me, and don't ever lie to me. We were like roommates after that. Of course, when we'd have $eX, he couldn't understand why I wouldn't get off birth control so we could have a child. Like I needed to bring a child into this hellhole? I think he just wanted to trap me and felt like a child would make it more difficult to leave (and he was right about that).

All that being said, he wouldn't see a counselor, but I decided to anyway. It was the best thing I've ever done for me in my whole life. The counselor didn't ever tell me what to do or what I should do, just made me examine my own perspectives for my actions. Once you get that clarity (and I shifted a couple of times before I found the truth inside of me), you won't be 2nd guessing your decision, no matter what that may be.

Best of luck and hope to you BQ. My life has shifted completely, and I learned important life lessons from my 1st marriage. I felt like a failure and "used goods" when I finally left him, but life has an amazing ability to heal me over time. Feel free to pm me if you'd like to talk me more.

Becca
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I'm gonna show him what a lil girl's made of: Gunpowder & Lead!

proud 2 b BOLWYWTCCUT

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#1063787 - 10/14/08 12:28 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Darkhorse
kitten Offline
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kitten
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 12,579
Not prison
{{hugs}} for all the brave souls who posted their horrible stories on here. you have all dealt with terrible things and have come out stronger and better than before. i have a new respect for all of you. congratulations for your victories.
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#1063794 - 10/14/08 12:34 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI kitten
Skittles Offline
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Skittles
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 13,960
TN
I am praying for you and your family BQ. While many of us here have had similar experiences, only you and your children know what your life is like. I know that Alanon helped my cousin and I also recommend a meeting or two.
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#1063877 - 10/14/08 01:49 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Skittles
BowlingQueen Offline
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,916
Wisconsin
I thank each and every one of you for your candor and sharing your experiences and prayers. The prayers are helping and I feel a bit stronger every day.

I hope that I can maintain the strength that I feel right now to move on with my life, eliminate the drama and strengthen my relationship with my boys. I hope they will see a happier mom some day and know that everything is going to be OK.

Thank you all sooo much!
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#1063967 - 10/14/08 03:16 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Snow Bunny
East Texas Offline
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East Texas
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,117
Life can be very humbling sometimes when we have to admit we don't have all the answers. This is especially true when we are the ones who are supposed to be able to face any situation without flinching and tell everyone else how to cope. But, dear one, no one is perfect and no one can exist in isolation.

I would recommend that you speak with a counselor first...even before you have the conversation with your husband if possible. This way you can work through a lot of the emotional part and get down to what you really want him to hear.

You've made a huge step in getting your support group moving. There are people who surround you who will be willing to step up and be who you need them to be. All I can be right now is another voice to Heaven on your behalf...which I will do.

We each are responsible for the choices we make. Please don't allow your anger and hurt to cause you to make decisions you will later regret. Think through your options; talk through your feelings and choices; do all this BEFORE you make a decision. Some decisions, there's no going back...May God guide you and protect you and your family as you struggle with the next step. He is good...all the time.

Psalm 23
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#1064019 - 10/14/08 04:10 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI East Texas
Marnie Offline
Gold Star
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 437
Nevada
Alcoholism is a disease, first and foremost, and as a result, abstinence is not recovery. The alcoholic cannot stop drinking permanently without a recovery process for life. This is what you have to realize, as does your husband. When alcoholism came into my family, I was completely naive about the whole thing, thinking I could change the person and help them stop. You can't. But what you can do is educate yourself on this disease and more importantly, educate yourself on what role you play for your husband and kids.

I went through an intense family recovery program that taught me how not to enable the alcoholic, taught me how to set boundaries for them and not deviate, taught me how to stop walking on eggshells or immersing myself in self-inflicted guilt, how to keep myself healthy and sane, because alcoholism creates an environment devoid of communication and honest feelings. In short, helping yourself first by educating yourself is the most important step for both you and your kids. By doing so you will reach the stage where you can say to the alcoholic a mantra we learned: "we, the people who love you are going to get on the bus, and you are welcome to join us in the road of life; if you choose to get on, we will support you, but understand we are going on with or without you. The choice is yours". This was the hardest lesson I ever learned. I would be glad to share specifics and programs if you want to PM me.

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#1064085 - 10/14/08 05:25 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Marnie
Blade Scrapper Offline
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Blade Scrapper
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 5,912
Outside A Garage
I can give a perspective from the other side as well. My PM is always open.
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#1068910 - 10/22/08 10:02 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Snow Bunny
GenerousLife Offline
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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,466
USA
Find an Al Anon meeting and go. Don't do anything while you are emotionally upset. (unless your safety is at stake)
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"No problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking." ~ Voltaire
"Sustained thinking gives me a headache." ~Me

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#1069007 - 10/23/08 04:38 AM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI GenerousLife
Darkhorse Offline
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Darkhorse
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 501
out of my mind
Kudos to the last four posters - you all said what needed to be said and for the best interest of those involved. Thank you. Continued prayers and well wishes for you BQ.
_________________________
I'm gonna show him what a lil girl's made of: Gunpowder & Lead!

proud 2 b BOLWYWTCCUT

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#1069231 - 10/23/08 02:38 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI Darkhorse
GenerousLife Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 1,466
USA
Go, go now, find meetings. In our small town of < 50,000 we have them almost every day of the week, during lunch and in the evening. Go every day if you can. There are no fees or dues, although they accept donations to keep the coffee pot on.
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"No problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking." ~ Voltaire
"Sustained thinking gives me a headache." ~Me

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#1069506 - 10/23/08 06:00 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI GenerousLife
corkygirl Offline
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 4,241
middle of the country
I am very touched reading all these posts and the wonderful assistance offered. Been a memeber of Alanon for 13 years and I can honestly say that being involved has saved my health, my sanity and allowed me to find serenity and peace. Two recovering alocholics in my life and their programs have saved their lives. Boy do I agree with GenerousLife, go, go now, find meetings. There are meetings everywhere

May the God of your Understanding bless you all, you have warmed my heart.
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Treading water in a hurricane

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#1071185 - 10/27/08 03:35 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI BowlingQueen
M. Mavin Offline
New Poster
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 15
Rocky Mountains
Along with all of the emotional issues to consider - are you protected finacially? Personal accounts? What if he causes an accident while driving? It would be even more horrible to be on the defense end of a civil suit if he hurts someone - in addition to what is already happening to your family. Maybe consider consulting an attny, too?

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#1071620 - 10/27/08 11:39 PM Re: Husband's 3rd DWI BowlingQueen
Mrs. Rizzo Offline
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Mrs. Rizzo
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 10,392
Curled up by the fire...
Originally Posted By: BowlingQueen
strengthen my relationship with my boys. I hope they will see a happier mom some day and know that everything is going to be OK.


This is a very good point. In time, they will see what a difference it made for you and ultimately for them. It's amazing how much stress passes to children without really being aware of it.
Prayers for you guys!!
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