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#1062536 - 10/10/08 04:58 AM What's wrong with people
Clown Boy Offline
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here and there
My Ex-wife and are finally over, and I've had the kids for a few months now... My ex has been calling and telling my kiddos that she's coming down next week to see them. They've been so excited, and all I hear is "When's momma gonna be here?"

Now all of a sudden, she calls and says that she's not gonna be able to come down. I'm so frustrated. Now I have to tell my kids that Mommy isn't gonna be coming. I'm so mad! how can someone bring up the hopes of their kids just to smash them down like that?

And she didn't even have the nerve to tell them herself. She called me after she knew I put them to bed and asked me to tell them. God I'm so mad at her right now!

I get it, this is the same woman that brought men into my house while I was working. I expect to be disappointed in her, but I'm tired of seeing how depressed it makes my kids.

Sorry, I just needed to vent....
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#1062546 - 10/10/08 11:24 AM Re: What's wrong with people Clown Boy
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That is awful, CB, I guess she doesn't grasp the concept of "kids coming first" in her life. I am sorry for the kids, how disappointing.
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#1062550 - 10/10/08 11:59 AM Re: What's wrong with people DeeQ
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{{{CB}}} Your kids have you....
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#1062551 - 10/10/08 12:00 PM Re: What's wrong with people DeeQ
corkygirl Offline
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I'm sorry CB, how difficult for your kids. Good thing they have a loving, caring Dad!!
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#1062554 - 10/10/08 12:04 PM Re: What's wrong with people corkygirl
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Hang in there CB. It's rough for both you and the kids. They are lucky that they have you. Just be glad that you have custody and not her.
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#1062609 - 10/10/08 01:04 PM Re: What's wrong with people Snow Bunny
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What Pooh just said! YOu know, it's a crazy world...used to this story would be in the reverse. It amazes me how more and more it's the mother's/wives that have gone crazy!
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#1062719 - 10/10/08 02:28 PM Re: What's wrong with people RR Joker
thomasj Offline
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CB, you are in my prayers. Be very thankful that you have your children and focus on them. You can't do anything about the ex but you can be there for your kids. Give them extra hugs and do something special with them this weekend to take their minds off the disappointment. Chances are that a year from now they won't remember that Mom stood them up, but maybe they will remember a special moment with their Dad.
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#1062806 - 10/10/08 03:10 PM Re: What's wrong with people thomasj
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Hugs and prayers to you.
I can't add more that what others have said...
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#1062869 - 10/10/08 03:31 PM Re: What's wrong with people QCL
Mrs. Rizzo Offline
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Curled up by the fire...
Clownie, you will have to learn going forward just not to tell your kids and that way they won't be disappointed. You already know how I feel about your situation. You have got to set what behavior you are willing to accept from her. You are the father! You are in charge! Those children are your responsibility and she does not have any right to do what she pleases.
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#1062943 - 10/10/08 04:04 PM Re: What's wrong with people Mrs. Rizzo
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Ditto Rizzo.

I've had to watch this situation with my grandgirl. From the sounds of things, her father might be your ex's twin.

My daughter used to be the one to act as the go between setting up the dates and then relaying the excuse when he more often that not cancelled. The grangirl's 11 now and has taken on the responsibility of calling and telling him she wants to see him.

Funny thing is, he usually makes the appt now. Maybe he was punishing Mom by making and breaking before and now that she's removed from the interactions, things are going better for all three of them.

I don't know the ages or maturity of your children so I wouldn't presume to recommend this. I'm just passing on the information in the hopes of either helping you now or at least showing you there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hang in there. Kudos for being there for your kids.

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#1062954 - 10/10/08 04:13 PM Re: What's wrong with people Mrs. Rizzo
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Clownie...I am so very sorry for your pain! I will pray for your strength and guidance. I totally agree with what everybody else has said... ThomasJ gave some great advice there. It's tough when you are hurting inside. But I can tell by everything you are saying that you seem to be a really good man who loves and cares for his kids so much. This will be a lonely and stressful road for you so know we are here if you need us for anything...
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#1063316 - 10/10/08 08:55 PM Re: What's wrong with people KTMiteComply
Okie Dokie Offline
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I'm so very sorry CB. I know how much it used to hurt my kids when my ex would do things like that. My kids have now learned that they can't believe much of what their dad says. It was a hard lesson for them, but at least he is not still hurting them.

The only advice I can give you is not to lie for your ex and not to bash her in front of your kids. They will figure it all out on their own. And once they figure it out, they will just be angry with you if you have been lying for her.

Your kids are very lucky to have a dad that obviously cares so much about them!
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#1063354 - 10/10/08 09:13 PM Re: What's wrong with people Okie Dokie
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That's rough. All I can tell you is that when the kids get older they'll remember who was there, who broke the promises, and who they can count on.

Try hard not to speak ill of their mom, but let them express how they feel. Let her do that damage and you just be there to love and support your beautiful kids.
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#1063475 - 10/11/08 12:58 AM Re: What's wrong with people cheekEE
Ops Offline
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My family went through this with my ex-psycho-in-law. I know how hard it can be on the kids, as I had to watch my niece and nephew. Unfortunately, she has custody of the kids now (after abandoning them for over a year), and we have to watch the kids cry each and every time they have to go back to Florida.

Hang in there, Clownie. Way to be a great parent. *hugs*

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#1063802 - 10/14/08 12:39 PM Re: What's wrong with people Ops
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CB - how old are your children? Hopefully as time goes on they will learn not to expect what mommy says as gospel.

My sister's daughter is 9 and sometimes her father lets her down. The bad thing is my sister will take little verbal thrusts at her ex-husband and I can see in my niece's eyes what it does to her. I remember doing the same thing when my ex-husband and I divorced and although my son is now 21, I still feel guilty.

Take care of your kids and love them all the more. Your relationship will be stronger for that.
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#1063914 - 10/14/08 02:18 PM Re: What's wrong with people Skittles
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What I think you should do is act like her backing out is the luckiest thing for YOU. Make a big deal about how glad you are to have them with you for the weekend and do something special with them (that doesn't mean you have to break the bank - time and attention are the issues). Just don't run her down in front of the kids and when they get older they will respect DAD for always spending time with them and WANTING to be with them.
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#1063918 - 10/14/08 02:25 PM Re: What's wrong with people MichelleDawn
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Nice idea, MichelleDawn. CB - having a game day, or movie day, or something like that where they have your undivided attention will help them get over their disappointment. In the long run, you will be treasure that time with them, and they will treasure the time with you.
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#1063979 - 10/14/08 03:29 PM Re: What's wrong with people Snow Bunny
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Divorce is such a tough situation, which is made immensely more difficult when children are involved. You deserve a pat on the back (or a hug) for stepping up to see that they are cared for and raised in a stable, loving home. My situation with my ex has proved that he cannot always be counted on. When the boys were younger, he would tell me when he was coming but I wouldn't tell the boys until the day of. Chances were so high that he wouldn't come that I didn't want child #1 sick with anxiety and child #2 disappointed. Now that they are older (14 & 9) they are beginning to be able to see through some of his "stuff" and are much more stable about the situation. You have to be the grown up and set boundaries with your ex and then enforce them. It's a tough situation and I will pray for you and for your precious children.
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#1064014 - 10/14/08 04:04 PM Re: What's wrong with people East Texas
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CB - it is hard. I went through this same thing with my ex - he would call, tell my daughter he was coming to see her, then just not bother to show up. I always enjoyed the extra time but it killed me to see what it did to her. I didn't really realize the emotional toll it took on her until one year in about October she asked me when her father was going to come and bring her the presents he had promised her in January. It killed me, I resisted most of the things that came to mind to tell her and just asked her to think really hard for a few minutes and then tell me if there was anything that she wanted that she didn't have, she thought for a little bit and then said no. I then told her that there were only two people in this world who knew when her father was going to come see her, her father and God (because he knows everything) and that she shouldn't worry about it.

I am not sure if it worked, she doesn't mention him too much anymore but I can tell that it sometimes bothers her - it does break my heart but you can't control the choices other people make.

I am now in my second marriage and we now have custody of my husband's three children - their mother pulls the same stunts, she can't keep a residence or a job for any period of time, always promises them things but never comes through, and also tells them that they don't have to listen to, respect or answer me. I can never get over how people refuse to put their children first......

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#1064110 - 10/14/08 05:44 PM Re: What's wrong with people kendrar
pjs Offline
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CB- hugs to you and your kids.
Been there with my sons' dad many moons ago. Did the same thing- or worse- never showed up when he was suppose to. No phone call, no nothing. It will affect your kids. It did my son. He remembered when he was grown all the times his dad never showed up. Just don't EVER say anything about your ex-wife in front of your kids that is bad. Never put her down. NEVER! Let them decide when the time comes how they feel about her. I never said anything bad about my sons' father to him- my son decided on his own when he got older that the man wasn't worth spending time with. Although it makes me sad that my son made that decision I stand by him. My son told me long ago that as far as he is concerned his step-dad is his dad and always will be.

Stay calm and have fun with your kids.

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#1064429 - 10/15/08 04:24 AM Re: What's wrong with people pjs
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out of my mind
Originally Posted By: pjs
My son told me long ago that as far as he is concerned his step-dad is his dad and always will be.


CB, I know you & your background. I can't image the heartache you are going through right now. My husband's "dad" died when he was in college. Of course, the man that fathered him lives on in Arizona. One of the things that he always says about his mom is that she NEVER said a bad thing about his "father." He learned it all on his own. While it was a tough lesson, he is so proud of his mom not saying a thing against his "father" and letting him figure out his feelings on his own. I'll tell you another story about my cousins and their parents if you feel the need to hear it (it's way worse, email me if you need to know your situation could absolutely insane, literally), but know this - you are amazing for what you do (and have always done) in your life. Those children couldn't asking for a better, more devoted dad than you. Let your ex make her own bed & sleep in it. All you need to do is exactly what you have always done - take care of your family. You are so good at it, just keep the faith. You are an excellent father and will continue to be the light in their future. Know that there are several of us here if you need us. B
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#1066208 - 10/17/08 05:46 AM Re: What's wrong with people Darkhorse
Clown Boy Offline
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So I went ahead and had a good couple of days without the ex... I took yesterday and the today off and spent them both with my kiddos. yesterday we spent the majority of the day at the park playing (a friend of mine, Lia, had come down from NM to visit me so I took her along too.) Then today, we played inside for a while and I took the kiddos to have their pics taken for X-mas cards. yeah, I know it's kinda early, but I like the pics to be outdoors and it's starting to get cold here. They had a great time.


and of course Lia's ex boyfriend called her and wanted to get back together so she left early. I see this pattern coming together where girls keep leaving me for other guys... Hmmm strange.

Being the strong man that I am, I'm taking it rather well... I haven't shed a single tear. and am very proud of that... well, that's my update. I'm gonna go crawl into a bottle.
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#1066283 - 10/17/08 01:17 PM Re: What's wrong with people Clown Boy
DeeQ Offline
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Hang in there CB.
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#1066373 - 10/17/08 02:28 PM Re: What's wrong with people DeeQ
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Sorry about Lia, but I'm so glad you were able to just enjoy being with your kids for a few days.

Somedays it's hard for me to just enjoy them without the thoughts and troubles of life getting in the way.

((hugs))
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#1066496 - 10/17/08 03:42 PM Re: What's wrong with people cheekEE
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Curled up by the fire...
CB, perhaps dating isn't the best idea for you right now. Maybe focus on yourself and your kids for a while and then try the dating thing.
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