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#1121195 - 02/02/09 06:37 PM Re: Jokes Only BotV#6
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.




Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.



Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1121603 - 02/03/09 01:18 PM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
Retired DQ Offline
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Retired DQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.




'Hands off!' she said.






'Those are for the funeral.'
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#1122717 - 02/04/09 05:30 PM Re: Jokes Only Retired DQ
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
The Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the
couch, totally n@ked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're n@ked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're n@ked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her
best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her
laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT......... eek
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1122754 - 02/04/09 05:44 PM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
Retired DQ Offline
10K Club
Retired DQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
Nice one! laugh
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#1123623 - 02/05/09 04:10 PM Re: Jokes Only Retired DQ
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct
slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and
jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 ;uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as

NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1..

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,
Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating
system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6..2
and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1..0 should then automatically
run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husb and 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the
[censored] and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all
your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking
3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Tech Support
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1123627 - 02/05/09 04:12 PM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
Miscuit Offline
10K Club
Miscuit
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 18,789
TX
grin

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#1123909 - 02/05/09 06:44 PM Re: Jokes Only Miscuit
Becka Marr Offline
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Becka Marr
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,152
Dialog between a couple:

Before marriage:

He: Finally! I waited so long!
She: You want me to leave!
He: No! Why do you think that? It is awful for me to think of that!
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! At every time of day or night!
She: Have you ever been unfaithful to me?
He: No! Never! Why do you ask?
She: Do you want to kiss me?
He: Yes, every time I get the opportunity!
She: Would you ever beat me?
He: Are you crazy? You know me better!
She: Can I trust you completely?
He: Yes.
She: My darling!

Some years after marriage: read from bottom to top!
_________________________
To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. ~Elbert Hubbard

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#1124587 - 02/06/09 03:14 PM Re: Jokes Only Becka Marr
Big Dog Offline
Power Poster
Big Dog
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,659
Kennel
An elderly lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Old Ladies
_________________________
CAMS, AMLP, AKC, K-9






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#1124594 - 02/06/09 03:18 PM Re: Jokes Only Big Dog
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
Their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?'asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,'said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
Knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,'said John,
'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'said Tommy.

'What did you watch?'asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
Knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,
Sat down and said,'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,'said John.
'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John
And delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
And knocked her out of her chair.
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1124595 - 02/06/09 03:19 PM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
Spook-a-Muffin Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 8,528
Elm Street - ish ♥
Oh wow ^^ that's so wrong, yet oh so funny!
_________________________
I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then.

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#1126048 - 02/09/09 05:44 PM Re: Jokes Only Spook-a-Muffin
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary"

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the
other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although
I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must
eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that
keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them,
I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
B@stards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices
tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the
event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard
that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn
what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced
that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog
receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to
be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird
has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards
regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he
is safe. For now...
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1126213 - 02/09/09 07:24 PM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
Big Dog Offline
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Big Dog
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,659
Kennel
Jokes - My favorite thing!
_________________________
CAMS, AMLP, AKC, K-9






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#1126533 - 02/10/09 09:25 AM Re: Jokes Only Big Dog
Citrus Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,139
Two drunks are walking down the railroad tracks.
The first one says, "Boy, these stairs just go on and on forever."
The second one says, "I don't mind the stairs so much, but these handrails are killin' me!"

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#1126544 - 02/10/09 12:17 PM Re: Jokes Only Citrus
Retired DQ Offline
10K Club
Retired DQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
^^ grin
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#1127314 - 02/10/09 08:47 PM Re: Jokes Only Retired DQ
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
Guts vs Balls


Guts or Balls? There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1127326 - 02/10/09 08:55 PM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
Big Dog Offline
Power Poster
Big Dog
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,659
Kennel
IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

'OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savingscertificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club......

(takes a breath).............and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

The girl, starts crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!
_________________________
CAMS, AMLP, AKC, K-9






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#1127331 - 02/10/09 08:57 PM Re: Jokes Only Big Dog
Spook-a-Muffin Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 8,528
Elm Street - ish ♥
lmbo!!
_________________________
I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then.

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#1127607 - 02/10/09 11:11 PM Re: Jokes Only Spook-a-Muffin
califgirl Offline
Diamond Poster
califgirl
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 2,355
The O.C., California
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?' Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that s**t again; you're in my closet now.'
_________________________
I can explain it to you. I can't understand it for you.

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#1127670 - 02/11/09 11:39 AM Re: Jokes Only califgirl
Retired DQ Offline
10K Club
Retired DQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
Indian Chief "Two Eagles" was asked by a white U.S. Government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied:

"When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo,plenty beaver, clean water.

Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing;

All night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#1127677 - 02/11/09 11:53 AM Re: Jokes Only Retired DQ
Tigg Offline
Power Poster
Tigg
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 6,389
Looking for My Happy Place....
laugh
_________________________
What would you do if you knew you could not fail? ~ Dr. R Schuller

My opinion only.

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#1128049 - 02/11/09 05:52 PM Re: Jokes Only Tigg
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislik es."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,

"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1128050 - 02/11/09 05:52 PM Re: Jokes Only Tigg
Spook-a-Muffin Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 8,528
Elm Street - ish ♥
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment...
When a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.95 a minute.
_________________________
I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then.

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#1128064 - 02/11/09 06:03 PM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
Retired DQ Offline
10K Club
Retired DQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
Originally Posted By: DD-Man
MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislik es."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,

"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

And then she punched him out.


fixed. laugh
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#1128094 - 02/11/09 06:20 PM Re: Jokes Only Retired DQ
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
^^^That's what I would get.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
shocked
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1128254 - 02/11/09 08:48 PM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
TXBSA Offline
100 Club
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 170
TX
Long, but worth the read.

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both [censored] on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HECK!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both [censored] were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

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