A blonde was sitting in the airport, watching television, waiting for her flight. A report came on the news about a riot in some foreign city, in which 3 Brazilian men were killed. Upon hearing this, the blonde burst into uncontrollable tears.

The man sitting next to her became concerned, and, trying to comfort her, asked, “Did you know those men?”

The blonde replied, in between sobs, “How many is a brazilian?!?!?”

This gets my vote for joke of the week!

New Stock Market Terms

CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer


CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius


BEAR MARKET – a 6 to 18 month period when 2 0f the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.


STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse..


PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.


-If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

-If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

-But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

-Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Virginia. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Virginia contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

I am sure this has already been told, but it got my funny bone.

Superman is out flying around Metropolis one sunny afternoon when he happens to see Wonder Woman suntanning on top of a building completely naked.

I am the man of steel, and I am faster than a speeding bullet, Superman thinks to himself. I bet I could swoop down, have my way with Wonder Woman, and fly away before she has a chance to stop me.

So sure enough, fastern than a speeding bullet Super Man pounces on top of Wonder Woman, has his fun, and speeds away.

"What the h*!! was THAT!" exlaims Wonder Woman.

The Invisible Man replies "I don't know, but my butt sure hurts..."

Alas, Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce.

The judge hearing their case asks Mickey "I see hear that you want to divorce Minnie because she is 'freaking crazy'?"

Mickey replies "No, Your Honor! I want a divorce because she is f*(#ing Goofy!"

A MEXICAN BOY'S CONFESSION
>
>
>
> "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.. I have been
> with a loose girl."
>
> The priest asks, "Is that you, little Juanito
> Calenturas?"
>
> "Yes, Father, it is."
>
> "And who was the girl you were with?"
>
> "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to
> ruin her reputation."
>
> "Well, Juanito, I'm sure to find out her name
> sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it
> Tina Martinez?"
>
> "I cannot say."
>
> "Was it Teresa Garcia?"
>
> "I'll never tell."
>
> "Was it Nina Lopez?"
>
> "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
>
> "Was it Cathy Ramirez?"
>
> "My lips are sealed."
>
> "Was it Rosa Fernandez, then?"
>
> "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
>
> The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very
> tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and
> have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
> Now you go and behave yourself."
>
> Juanito walks back to his pew, and his friend Carlitos
> slides over and whispers, "What'd you
> get?"
>
> "Four months vacation and five good leads."

Truck for Sale

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' So the parents began t o yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said.

'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'

'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back).

He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.

So I did.'

Sick day...

John calls into work and says, “Hey, I can't come into work today, I am really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I can't come to work today.”

The boss says, “You know something, John, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later John calls again. “I did what you said and I feel great. I will be at work soon… by the way, You got a nice house.”

Little Red Hen
Once upon a time, on a farm in Virginia , there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat.

She called all of her neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'

'Not I,' said the cow.

'Not I,' said the duck.

'Not I,' said the pig.

'Not I,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.

'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.

'Not I,' said the duck.

'Out of my classification,' said the pig.

'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread.

'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.

'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.

'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.

'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her
neighbors to see.

They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the
little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'

'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama)came. He said to the little red
hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'

'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.

'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She
never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and
got her bread free.

And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

To Be 6 Again...


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Two Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident."



The blonde starts crying and turns to her husband, saying, "That's horrible!!! ...so many men dying that way...."



Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad - but they chose to skydive, and they knew that there's always a risk involved."



After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says... "How many is a Brazilian?"

Half of Two Brazilian! Duh

i thought "brazilian" was a brand of wax. is that not right?

A horse walk into a bar.






The bartender says "Why the long face?"

CATHOLIC HORSES

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but
losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with Interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated... As the races
continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one
ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last
race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Class Trip


A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, Churchill
Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes . As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

LMAO @ Snoop....

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of
the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says:
"Nice pigs, sir.."

The President replies "These are not
pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The
House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says,
"Excellent trade, sir.



"Ooh~Rah"

OMCod!

As he had for many years, an elderly man was strolling along the banks of a scenic lake conversing with God. "God, I wonder... how long is ten thousand years to you?"

"Ten thousand years is but a minute to me." Came the reply.

Amazed, the man asked "How much is a million dollars worth to you?"

"A million dollars is but a penny in my eyes." Came the reply.

Curious, the man said "Then could I have a million dollars?"

"Certainly." God replied, "Give me a minute."

Subject: JESUS IS WATCHING




A burglar broke into a Christian Family 's home one night.. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when he heard a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.



After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."



Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.



"Did you say that?" he whispered to the parrot.



"Yep," the parrot squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed.



"Warn me, huh? And what is your name?"



"Moses," replied the bird.



"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"



"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Food for thought?

What desease was ham cured from?

What's the difference between unique and very unique?

We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?

When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?

Can you cry under water?

Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?

Why are actors IN movies but ON television?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?

Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?

Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?

Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?

What is a Japanese maple tree called in Japan? (Ans: Baby's Palm)

We say, "It's Greek to me." What do the Greeks say? (Ans: It's Chinese to me.)

If we don't care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?

Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stand on all four feet? They're both dogs.

Do "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "The Alphabet Song" have the same tune?

On Gilligan's Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?

If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy himself dinner?

Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?