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#1152736 - 03/27/09 02:38 PM Being a Banker
HRH Okie Banker Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 3,070
Oklahoma
50 Things I Have Learned By Being a Banker

1. I know everyone in the world, so I never need to ask for ID.
2. "I'll be with you in one moment," means "Come right up here into my business and breathe your stinky breath in my face for a while."
3. Every bank in the world steals money from its customers, especially the ones that don't keep a register.
4. I'm always kidding when I tell people a check is not any good. I'm a good kidder.
5. I know the balance of every account at the bank.
6. I am at the bank just because I feel like it; my window isn't actually open when I say, "May I help you?"
7. I know everyone's account number.
8. I know everyone's address.
9. I don't understand how banking works.
10. I have to do whatever the person who gave my customer the check said.
11. I don't know how to count.
12. I don't know how to add.
13. I don't know what the date is.
14. I can read everyone's mind.
15. If I ask for your social, I'm trying to steal your identity.
16. I know when every new coin will be arriving.
17. I know how much everyone's bills are for the month.
18. I know the bank is also a post office and a Kinko's.
19. I am immune to all germs. So cough it up on me and your money, I'll be ok.
20. When someone asks how you want your cash back, you are supposed to tell them after you get your money back.
21. Apparently people have different definitions of commercial.
22. Your time is more important than mine. I have no life. When you show up 5 minutes before we close to make 10 deposits or open a new account, we don't mind.
23. Having a close friendship with the President of the Bank does not mean knowing their first name.
24. I am also your secretary.
25. We love to place holds on your checks for fun, we are the only bank that does it.
26. 11 hours is not enough time for people to do their business.
27. I am in charge of the never ending cookies, suckers, and coffee.
28. It is polite to ignore someone when they say hello.
29. It is my fault when someone cuts you in line. I should have been paying attention to you and not your money.
30. I know what a checkingdepositwithdrawal for savings is.
31. Being rude should make me want to help you more.
32. I am not really human, I should not make mistakes.
33. It is okay to go into someone's office when their door is shut.
34. I have a secret collection of licenses in my cubby.
35. I can't hear. I need you to ding the bell 5 times in a row.
36. The sign that says Next Window Please is just for decoration.
37. I make people wait on purpose, it's fun to make them mad.
38. I know everyone's pin number to their ATM card.
38. Fraud isn't real, I should give customers exactly what they want.
39. The coin machine is my favorite thing to do.
40. The bank gives out free poinsettias at Christmas, we order them for you, not the bank. Display only means whatever you want it to mean.
41. Please and Thank You are forbidden words at the bank. We hate to hear them.
42. Checking and Savings deposit slips are EXACTLY the same, we just like the color pink and wanted to make them pretty. Marking through the word savings changes the deposit slip completely!
43. When I tell someone the same thing over and over, I'm just doing it for fun. I like to waste my breath.
44. We will break the rules for anybody as long as you gripe for more than 10 minutes.
45. I am a professional coin counter. Even when the machine is broken, I will count the coin for you by hand!
46. I am psychic; when you call I can recognize your voice and pull up your information. My computer is voice activated. It's that fancy technology we have.
47. You don't have to tell me that you've been with the bank for 50 years I can tell.
48. Even after 5 years, I am a new teller to anyone who has never seen me before. If I've never met you, I have no idea what I'm doing.
49. I make the rules for the banking industry. You can blame everything on me!
50. I'm an idiot.
_________________________
Just working here until I get my letter from Hogwarts.

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#1152747 - 03/27/09 02:43 PM Re: Being a Banker HRH Okie Banker
Pale Rider Offline
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Pale Rider
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 34,318
under the Lone Star
I know I feel better now with that off your chest!
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Societies that do not find work in and of itself "pleasing to God and requisite to Man," tend to be highly corrupt.


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#1152761 - 03/27/09 02:48 PM Re: Being a Banker HRH Okie Banker
DD Regs Offline
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DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
You have learned much young grasshopper, but don't forget that...

51. Credit Reports are not indicators of ones future perfomance.
52. Your clock means nothing, they WERE in line before 5:00.
53. No one has ever asked them for ID before, everyone trust them.
54. "Is this something new..." means it doesn't apply to them.
55. What business is it of yours where or how they got this lottery check frmo "Joe Plumbing"
56. They don't care what your title is, only the President is going to help them.

And I am sure the list can go on.
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1152765 - 03/27/09 02:50 PM Re: Being a Banker Pale Rider
KC Danimal Offline
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KC Danimal
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 923
Kansas City
ROFLMAO!

That was awesome.
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Opinions are mine and not necessarily those of my employer

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#1152775 - 03/27/09 02:56 PM Re: Being a Banker KC Danimal
edAudit Online
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edAudit
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 4,714
You are here
57 I sell insurance, cars, and auto parts
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Opinions can be considered as coming from anywhere but my employer.

CAMS


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#1152786 - 03/27/09 03:03 PM Re: Being a Banker edAudit
#Just Jay Offline
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#Just Jay
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 14,389
Cheeseheadland
Makes me appreciate even more why I left retail and moved into compliance.
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I don't repeat gossip, so listen closely...

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#1152794 - 03/27/09 03:06 PM Re: Being a Banker #Just Jay
Bobby Boucher Offline
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Bobby Boucher
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 6,577
Down Yonder
58 Yes, it is 6:15 on Friday, the lights are out and the doors are locked, but it would be no problem whatsoever for me to cash your payroll check out of my pocket right here in the parking lot
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...not only will I do it for you, I... I... I... yes, yes, I'll do it for you.

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#1152796 - 03/27/09 03:07 PM Re: Being a Banker Bobby Boucher
#Just Jay Offline
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#Just Jay
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 14,389
Cheeseheadland
laugh
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I don't repeat gossip, so listen closely...

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#1152860 - 03/27/09 03:42 PM Re: Being a Banker #Just Jay
DD Regs Offline
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DD Regs
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Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
59. I know the sign says closed, but sure, go ahead shake the door, maybe we forgot to lock it. Oh yeah, look at us like we are stupid, that always helps too.
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1152893 - 03/27/09 03:58 PM Re: Being a Banker DD Regs
HappyGilmore Offline
10K Club
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 19,311
Pulling people out of the ditc...
60. I didn't earn my bonus, thankfully the bank got TARP and decided to give one to me
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Providing alternative truths since the invention of time

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#1152947 - 03/27/09 04:38 PM Re: Being a Banker HappyGilmore
GuitarDude Online
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GuitarDude
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Posts: 5,924
So Cal
I learned most of those as well as these from my branch days:

61. We move our clocks several minutes back in the morning and several minutes ahead in the afternoon just to make sure you are either early or late in arriving at the bank.

62. The reason you've never heard of such a policy/standard/procedure is because we make them up on the spot to make you mad.

63. Errors in your favor are yours to keep because anyone over the age of 3 knows "Finders keepers, losers weepers."
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I've just writed a wrong.

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#1152971 - 03/27/09 05:11 PM Re: Being a Banker GuitarDude
Bobby Boucher Offline
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Bobby Boucher
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 6,577
Down Yonder
64. Don't worry, I AM precisely the person you should yell at about the unauthorized charges to your checking account, because I personally look over every transaction received by the bank and decide whether or not to post it - must have missed this one. (Oh, and I also completely understand that they must have misspelled 1-888-PORN-NOW; that it should be "prawn", because you were ordering shrimp - happens all the time wink )
_________________________
...not only will I do it for you, I... I... I... yes, yes, I'll do it for you.

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#1152973 - 03/27/09 05:13 PM Re: Being a Banker Bobby Boucher
Dip Offline
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Dip
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 6,298
San Diego, CA
65. As long as you have checks, you can spend, spend, SPEND!
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Dabbling in banking, law, accounting...the life of a trustee.

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#1152975 - 03/27/09 05:14 PM Re: Being a Banker Bobby Boucher
DD Regs Offline
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DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
65. Yes you are absolutely correct. We did pick your account out this month to screw up. The good news is you get to draw the name of the person we will screw up next month.
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1152982 - 03/27/09 05:22 PM Re: Being a Banker DD Regs
HappyGilmore Offline
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 19,311
Pulling people out of the ditc...
66. We intentionally give you more checks than you need, hoping you'll write them and overdraft your account. We make gajillions this way!
_________________________
Providing alternative truths since the invention of time

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#1152989 - 03/27/09 05:33 PM Re: Being a Banker HappyGilmore
Dip Offline
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Dip
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 6,298
San Diego, CA
^^^ This is really sub-part B to my #65. wink
_________________________
Dabbling in banking, law, accounting...the life of a trustee.

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#1153010 - 03/27/09 05:52 PM Re: Being a Banker Dip
JacF Offline

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Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 6,719
PA
67. The Spanish Lotto selects its winners exclusively from the list of people who don't play.
68. Cancelling your debit card is not an appropriate response to your card getting compromised. After all, you don't have to pay for any fraud that might happen, so there's no point to put you through the inconvenience of ordering a new card.
69. Despite what the history books tell us, most Americans can trace their lineage to an abandoned gold mine in Nigeria.
Last edited by JacFSB; 03/27/09 05:53 PM. Reason: idp effect
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#1153028 - 03/27/09 06:08 PM Re: Being a Banker JacF
Plain Old Tom Offline
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 217
70. Sure! Our tellers would be happy to sell you a foreclosed house even though your checking account is overdrawn!

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#1153035 - 03/27/09 06:15 PM Re: Being a Banker Plain Old Tom
GuitarDude Online
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GuitarDude
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Posts: 5,924
So Cal
71. Why yes, our interoffice mail was designed for your use so you could avoid spending a few bucks at the Post Office.

^^^^^true story
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I've just writed a wrong.

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#1153036 - 03/27/09 06:16 PM Re: Being a Banker GuitarDude
BoopGirl Offline
Junior Member
BoopGirl
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 47
Crazy Town
72. If you tell me that someone else knows you, that automatically means I know you and do not need your ID.

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#1153038 - 03/27/09 06:18 PM Re: Being a Banker GuitarDude
KC Danimal Offline
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KC Danimal
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 923
Kansas City
72. Yes, we do charge ATM fees just to get your own money, it has nothing to do with the cost of placing and serviceing machines all over town.
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Opinions are mine and not necessarily those of my employer

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#1153044 - 03/27/09 06:21 PM Re: Being a Banker KC Danimal
'Lil Freak! Offline
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'Lil Freak!
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,595
The psych ward
73. We restrict the number of transfers from your savings account monthly just to torque you off and make you come into the branch. We don’t care how inconvenient it is for you to transfer one lump sum to your checking account where you can make multiple transfers.

[Seriously, we just had an old dude get all riled up last week because he wasn’t able to make multiple transfers to his kids and grandkids accounts through online banking and had to come in when he reached his Reg. D limit for the month. “Transfer the funds to my checking? Hey, I never thought about that.”]

…and on that note:

74. Were happy to do your thinking for you!
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No, I didn't lose my mind. It got scared and ran away.

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#1153049 - 03/27/09 06:23 PM Re: Being a Banker BoopGirl
DD Regs Offline
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DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
73. You don't say?! The customer is always right no matter if they are wrong they are always right.

74. OK, then I will refund all those ODP fees, even though you forgot about that ACH you authorized three months ago and haven't been balacning your check book. Just like last month...the month before...and the month before that...

75. Yes I know we never send out a notice so we can keep stealing your money.
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1153058 - 03/27/09 06:29 PM Re: Being a Banker DD Regs
DD Regs Offline
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DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
76. Why yes we did steal your money and send it to the state. We knew it was your money and that you were moving every year and not updating your address with us and didn't do any transactions over the past 5 years. No, we didn't do anything to try and contact you before sending it to the state. We just thought since you weren't using it, you must not of needed it.
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1153061 - 03/27/09 06:31 PM Re: Being a Banker DD Regs
Ops Offline
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Ops
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,827
Georgia
77. Suuuuure, we can do a cash advance on ANY card you have in your wallet be it Guitar Center, WalMart, Goodys.. ANY card you can come up with! Just make one up!

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