Who thinks these things up? I heard on the radio today that it is National Speak Like a Pirate Day.

So..a pirate walks into a bar and he has a steering wheel stuck in his zipper. The bartender says, "Hey, did you know you have a steering wheel stuck in your zipper?" And the pirate says "Arrrgh! And it's drivin' me nuts!"

Avast, me hearties! Today, September 19, is Talk Like a Pirate Day. Arrrr! This be our new CIP program, Matey!

How much does a pirate have to pay to get his ear pierced?














A buck -n- ear.

The Lord of the Rings talking like a pirate!

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

The Pirate responded " We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."

Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"

The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

The bartender then asked " Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"

The pirate said " In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."

Avast! There be HMDA changes a comin' Pass the rum!!!

Living near Tampa and the Gasparilla festival gives me more Pirate humor than I like but this is my favorite.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew
were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew
became frantic, the captain bellowed to his first mate, "Bring
me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the
captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew
to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties
occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate
vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but
the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
And once again the battle was on. Once again, the captain and
his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more
casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on
deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign
looked to the captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your
red shirt before the battle?" The captain, giving the ensign a
look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded
in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you
men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence
marvelling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next
morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships,
10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his usual command. The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

... brown pants
That's funny!

Quote:

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"Arrrgh! And it's drivin' me nuts!"

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OK, just about fell out of my chair laughing at that one!

All this pirate talk, I must reference the Sea Captin from the Simpsons'....

Arrrr, do we have the precious cargo?
- Do you mean the hot pants?
EEEEyyyyy, da hot pants...

So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"

It's nice to see lots of other Bob & Tom listeners!!!!

This is so kewl. I'm having a good laugh this morning.

How about this one...
A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat."

LOL. Thank heaven that telling pirate jokes is politically correct. It is, isn't it?

Ok. I told the steering wheel joke at lunch today. I couldn't help but feel like I told a really nasty joke. It's terrible that one can't fully enjoy some risque humor without feeling the threat of a sexual harassment charge. What's the world coming to?

Unlees you have pirates on your payroll, I wouldn't worry about it! Arggh!

A man went into the pet shop. "I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said.

"I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled."

"Are you sure a stuffed parrot would be OK?" asked the customer. "I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible."

"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine," said the pet shop owner. "I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it".

"Sorry," said the customer "I can't make it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off."

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat."

Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It’s rated AARRRRGGH! And do you know why? Because of all the booty!

How much does it cost a pirate to get a piercing? A buck an ear!

Why did the pirate go on vacation? He needed some AARRRRGGH and AARRRRGGH!

How did the pirate stop smoking? He used the patch!

Did you hear about the pirate who scored 20,000 points for the Lakers? His name was Kareem Abdul JabAARRRRGGH!

What is piratophobia? Fear of a sunken chest!

What’s a pirate’s favorite country? AARRRRGGHentina!

What do you call a pirate that skips class? Captain Hooky!

What Star Wars character is really a pirate? AARRRRGGH-2 D-2!

What’s a pirate always looking for, even though it’s right behind him? His booty!

What does a gourmet pirate add to his dinner? A gAARRRRGGHnish!

How much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook? An arm and a leg!

What’s a pirate’s second favorite mode of transportation? A cAARRRRGGH! (to which one member of the club replied, “So, um, what’s a pirate’s first favorite mode of transportation?” “A ship, duh.”)

What kind of socks does a pirate wear? AARRRRGGHyle!

What has 8 arms and 8 legs? Eight pirates!

What is a pirate’s favorite car part? CARRRRRbARRRRRatARRRRRRR

Pirate - How much it costs to buy a pie.

Why can't the pirate play cards?

Because he is sitting on the deck.