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#1260199 - 10/01/09 06:04 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer TINKerBell
KTMiteComply Offline
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KTMiteComply
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 3,298
only if I want to....
Tahdah...my heart bleeds for your hurt. I am so sorry for all that your brother is having to endure and for the path that you all must face. In times like these I believe that God put us here for each other so we can pray each other through these dark days b/c there are just times when we absolutley can't do it for ourselves or even for the ones in our family that is in need....so HE provided us with another type of family and we call them friends. So you just never forget that we...your friends will love and pray you through these days ahead...praying for all of you to have strength, comfort as well as much needed peace....
_________________________
Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart...Prov 3:5-6

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#1260224 - 10/01/09 06:19 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer KTMiteComply
BurntSienna Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 2,407
Midwest
Tahdah, you have all the good thoughts and prayers I can muster for you, your brother, and all who love your brother. May God bless and comfort your family at this incredibly difficult time.
_________________________
"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." - Melody Beattie

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#1260546 - 10/02/09 04:12 AM Re: Pancreatic Cancer BurntSienna
tahdah Offline
Platinum Poster
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 932
Again thank you all, it seems so little to say. I went to his estate planners today and I could not stop shaking. I had to sign many documents and they don't even look like my handwriting. The lawyers told me so much as I signed patient advocate and power of atorney (sp) forms that my head, heart and body was spinning. I shook for about 8 hours, I just couldn't calm down. Then I went to see him in the hospital. He was very lucid, looked like [censored], I'd only seen him less than a month ago. NOw he wants our older brother on the advocate forms and us to share 50/50 on his future care. I know this is coming from my SIL, my older brother is like a dog on a leash when it comes to her. Pls don't get me wrong, but when my dad died and I had control she could not stand it and my older brother didn't care. Anyway in the state of MI, according to the lawyer, you can't have "two cooks in the kitchen", and we filed all the papers before he had wanted this change. Our oldest brother goes to a total state of denial and has somehow convinced his wife even though she knows the effect of this cancer as her mother died of it years ago. My brother has convinced her that it is reversabile or at the very least he has a year or more left, Drs. are talking 30 days. So I'm now seeing a "here we go again" of what happened with my dad when they would not agree to his wishes. The day my dad died I called her (my brother never talks on the phone) and said "dad will not be around this weekend, you need to get here tonight or tomarrow morning." She said, " you are so melodramatic". He died 4 hours later. So much for melodrama. My sil has a nephew who is an attorney so this could get ugly again. I reminded my dying brother of what happened in the past when she tried to intervene. And please, don't get me wrong, we don't have an adversaral relationship. She's been in my life since I was 8 and she is a good person, but she is very domineering and convinces my brother to do things that are not in his nature. They have been married over 40 or 45 years. My brother goes along with everything that she says. This is a guy that has an MBA, he is not stupid except when it comes to her ideas. I've advised his lawyers of what may be coming down and will now keep my mouth shut to the both of them.
I really don't need this. I feel so exhausted, I just don't understand why they can't accept the impending. They even called my last night and said he looked really good, he doesn't. They are continuing to fool themselves as they did with my dad.

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#1260569 - 10/02/09 12:28 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer tahdah
Buccs Offline
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 3,567
Ohio
tahdah- I'm just now reading everything. Wow. My heart goes out to you and your family.

My wife works in an assisted living facility as a nurse and often has to work around patients whose death is impending. She's learned one thing- in every family there are deniers, and accepters. The deniers will pull out all the stops no matter the patient's wishes or the odds to try to hang on to the life that they know. They'll ignore reality in favor of an unrealistic outcome.

The accepters try to make the best of the time they have left, usually they're the ones who are more in line with the wishes of the patient.

It's a constant thing. People will try to hold on to their world and will refuse to see what's coming, even with their own mother or father (or in your case brother) struggling for every breath.

I wish you all the peace in the world.

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#1261051 - 10/02/09 06:01 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer Buccs
Truffle Royale Offline

10K Club
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 17,360
Buccs is right. My daughter was DON at a nursing home while I was the business manager. If the papers are signed, there's not much that can be done to change things without running up costs. Maybe someone should tell your sil that and ask if she's willing to pay the cost 'cause your ill brother can't/shouldn't.

Hang in there. My prayers along with all the rest to help you through all of this. btw, my daddy used to say that having to deal with stuff like this is what got you to heaven 'with your boots on'. I'm sure you'll be wearing your's.

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#1261213 - 10/02/09 08:33 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer Truffle Royale
blvsinangels Offline
Gold Star
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 372
I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. I lost my husband to cancer 3 years ago. It's bad enough that you have to live with all that brings, but then to have to deal with the medical and financial burdens it can be overwhelming. After my husband died I put up a wall between me and God, I was so very angry, I felt that God had left me...it took me months to realize that God never left me, I had left Him and all I had to do was take down that wall....I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you are not alone. God is right there with you, crying out and weeping with you, loving you and your brother.

Looking back the only thing I wish I could have back is time. We waste so much time with all of the little things that in the grand scheme of things just don't matter. Whats important right now is the relationship between you and your brother, live today, let tomorrow worry about itself...when it is all said and done don't look back with regrets. It's not going to be easy, these next few months or days, you will have be to a sister, an advocate, a medical advisor, a lawyer, a nurse, a caregiver....remember to just take time to sit and hold your brothers hand and smile with him...that's what your going to remember...all the other 'stuff'....it's just stuff....

I will be praying for you, your brother and your situation. I hope in the midst of it all you find a few peacefilled moments.

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#1264652 - 10/09/09 04:27 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer blvsinangels
califgirl Offline
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califgirl
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 2,355
The O.C., California
Thinking of you and your brother, tahdah.

Please update us when you have a chance.
_________________________
I can explain it to you. I can't understand it for you.

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#1265035 - 10/09/09 08:47 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer TINKerBell
Bankerette Offline
100 Club
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 126
South of Canadian Border
Tahdah, everyone has expressed what I would like to say to you. This news you've shared with us about your brother is so terrible. And you have such a short time to try to deal with it all. But you have already found the strength and you have love that will help you carry on. Every day you will pull out a memory and share it with someone, maybe even us and that will bring him closer and keep him in your heart forever.

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#1265235 - 10/10/09 01:30 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer Bankerette
pjs Offline
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pjs
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 10,319
oHiO
Keeping those prayers coming for you and your brother and the entire family. Hugs to you, Tahdah ~

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#1265251 - 10/10/09 09:35 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer pjs
TINKerBell Offline
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TINKerBell
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 3,243
Tiger's Den!
Keeping all of you in my prayers too Tahdah....you have a heavy weight on your shoulders....just remember that so many are sharing that weight...with our prayers.
_________________________
The last thing that blew my mind was the wind.

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#1265391 - 10/12/09 06:59 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer TINKerBell
BurntSienna Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 2,407
Midwest
Continued prayers from Illinois. May God bless your family and help you to find peace and acceptance.
_________________________
"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." - Melody Beattie

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#1265413 - 10/13/09 03:44 AM Re: Pancreatic Cancer BurntSienna
tahdah Offline
Platinum Poster
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 932
Again, thank you everyone. Time is going fast. He is not taking care of himself, (seeing doctors for follow-up care, home nurses (he does'nt think it's necessary) and flushing out his chemo port). It's very frustating that he is just resigned to dying. I've tried to talk to him about going into a great facility we have here or a thing I've seen on TV called Cancer Centers of America and he just doesn't want to start over with all of the tests. I certainly would, but he has no kids and I, along with our older brother, are his only relatives with only one neice and nephew. He just doesn't seem to want to fight this.
I'm also having problems with some daft old banker trying to get my name on his accounts. I have durable legal power of attorney and this idiot says that I need to bring him into the branch office with me in order to sign the papers to co-sign on his account. Does any one know about this? I've talked to the attorney and he called the Customer Rep and told her she can't refuse me, that I have legal rights. She keeps saying that the docs are only in effect until he dies, but he is still alive and thats why I want to get on his account as well as get his key to the safe deposit box. I'm going to go again on Wednesday. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me to say to this idiot? The lawyer said if I had problems to call him. I've been in banking for 26 years but not at a branch level. I don't need this trouble. Thanks for any help!

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#1265414 - 10/13/09 04:13 AM Re: Pancreatic Cancer tahdah
#Just Jay Offline
10K Club
#Just Jay
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 14,390
Cheeseheadland
Tell them you want to speak directly to the manager, and if they are not available, you want their boss, and so on until you get what you need. Daft doesn't sound like it begins to describe this old coot.

Make sure you POA specifies access to the box as well. Also, make sure your brother has the documents in place sooner than later to ensure that you or brother can have speedy access to the courts, and thus his accounts, once he passes.

Thoughts to you and your family.
_________________________
I don't repeat gossip, so listen closely...

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#1268711 - 10/19/09 03:47 AM Re: Pancreatic Cancer #Just Jay
tahdah Offline
Platinum Poster
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 932
Just an update. Finally got the Fidelity bank person to sign the doc's. Don't know if I can say the bank, I'm sure it will be blurted out if I can't. He spent the weekend here and I know the end is soon. He barely eats, his clothing doesn't fit and he is frezzing cold even with the heat on. He seems so sad, who wouldn't be. On the up side, I actually heard my husband get a laugh out of him which I haven't been able to do. Yet my other older brother keeps telling his wife, and she belives this, that he is "playing" me for sympothy (sp). As my husband who has known him for over 30 years says, "that's" bs, .As much as him being here was a pain in the arse, I'll take that over a hospital. I'll do what ever it takes. This is the hardest thing I've ever faced. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. We really need them. I love him so much and he has no one else except me and my denying brother.

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#1268723 - 10/19/09 11:55 AM Re: Pancreatic Cancer tahdah
pjs Offline
10K Club
pjs
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 10,319
oHiO
I'm glad your husband is there for you. I'm sorry for all the pain and heart ache you must endure and for your brother too. I hope with all my heart he finds his peace. Prayers and hugs to you.

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#1268727 - 10/19/09 12:08 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer pjs
Skittles Offline
10K Club
Skittles
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 13,964
TN
tahdah - wht you are doing is a wonderful and amazing thing and you'll never regret it. I'm glad you are there for your brother and I'm proud to say that I've 'virtually' gotten to meet you.

As pjs says - hugs and prayers.
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My Opinions Only

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#1268781 - 10/19/09 02:26 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer Skittles
Truffle Royale Offline

10K Club
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 17,360
You might print this thread out and show it to him. Tell him you love him so much that you reached out to all of us for help and support for both of you. We understand the choices he's making even if we don't think we would act the same. We may not know either of you if we saw you on the street but you're in our hearts and our prayers. May you all find peace.

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#1269098 - 10/19/09 07:10 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer Truffle Royale
BrendaC Offline
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BrendaC
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,029
Sweet Home AL
Some of my dearest memories are the last days spent with my grandmother as she died of cancer. As hard as it was, I have peace knowing that I enjoyed sharing the last day she had on this earth before she slipped into a coma. She was alert and we laughed about our sorry excuse for a president and how ironic it was that I had to light her last cigarette. (She died of lung cancer. I was the only one that refused to buy her cigarettes at Christmas because I didn't want to contribute to her developing cancer.) I wouldn't trade memories of that day for anything on this earth.

Cherish each moment. May you find peace knowing that you are there for every step of this final journey.
_________________________
Life without Jesus is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point.

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#1269215 - 10/19/09 08:07 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer tahdah
Kathleen O. Blanchard Offline

10K Club
Kathleen O. Blanchard
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 21,292
Tahdah, your other brother may deal with death through denial. My Dad died several years ago and up until the moment he died my youngest brother said he was "doing great". He was supposed to get my parent's bedroom set and has yet to pick it up. My other brother recently commented: "If he picks it up he has to admit Dad died."

He would visit the hospital and gaze out the window. He just can't deal with it. (His wife told her mother to be concerned if my brother ever tells the family she is "fine"!)

Just spend your time with your sick brother and let everything else go.
_________________________
Kathleen O. Blanchard, CRCM "Kaybee"
HMDA/CRA Training/Consulting/Mapping
The HMDA Academy
www.kaybeescomplianceinsights.com

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#1272291 - 10/23/09 03:58 AM Re: Pancreatic Cancer Kathleen O. Blanchard
tahdah Offline
Platinum Poster
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 932
You guys are the greatest. It's almost midnight and I have him here again. It's not pretty and he's doing horrible. I don't think that he will be leaving here. My teenager is having trouble with the enivatable (sp?) and it's not easy for me. A Home nurse visited today and a social worker is due tomarrow. He is not eating and only existing on oxitotine, oxitocone and another drug although he has 18 other drugs. He sleeps at least 18 hours per day. I'm hoping that we can convince him to stay here and put his cat down, thats the only reason he wants to go home. I can't get much food in him except pudding and jello. If anyone has had experience with feeding a terminal ill person I would appreciate food ideas. Again thanks for your feedback

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#1272294 - 10/23/09 05:00 AM Re: Pancreatic Cancer tahdah
Kathleen O. Blanchard Offline

10K Club
Kathleen O. Blanchard
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 21,292
Ensure and V-8 are helpful. That is what we could get my Dad to drink.

How old is the cat? :-( That just makes it worse.

You must be exhausted. Hang in there.
_________________________
Kathleen O. Blanchard, CRCM "Kaybee"
HMDA/CRA Training/Consulting/Mapping
The HMDA Academy
www.kaybeescomplianceinsights.com

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#1272311 - 10/23/09 12:23 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer Kathleen O. Blanchard
Bagweaver Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 2,409
SW GA
Popsicles, ice cream, and pudding were what my sister would eat better than anything else toward the end.

Hang in there. It's not easy for anyone at this point.
_________________________
Semiretired. Working parttime at Historic Westville as a tour guide.

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#1272320 - 10/23/09 12:38 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer Bagweaver
Skittles Offline
10K Club
Skittles
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 13,964
TN
What about Pedialyte <spelling?> for hydration?

God bless you, tahdah. I am awed by your strength.
_________________________
My Opinions Only

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#1272414 - 10/23/09 02:14 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer Skittles
RR Sarah Offline
Diamond Poster
RR Sarah
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,494
Up North
My mom would drink a malted milk shake everyday. It was the only thing I could guarantee that she would consume. We tried Ensureand pudding but not successfully. Quite honestly, after a certain point she pretty much just refused to eat. Have you had hospice in yet? They are a great resource and a tremendous help.
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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.

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#1272421 - 10/23/09 02:16 PM Re: Pancreatic Cancer TINKerBell
Phoenix Offline
Platinum Poster
Phoenix
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 832
southeast
brings back memories here, too, and I ache for/with you.

I second the Ensure idea and its cheaper alternative, Instant Breakfast.

If the cat is at all adoptable - please phone any no-kill shelter nearby and ask for advice. Unfortunately, many of even those of us who have carefully prepared wills, POAs, health care directives, etc. forget to mention our pets. The area shelters and humane societies encounter situations like yours all too frequently.

All the best -
_________________________
From the end spring new beginnings.
Pliny the Elder

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