I am the step-mother to two girls (ages 10 & 14). The girls and I get along well, my problem is with their mom. She talks down about me to the girls (or in front of them) and says things that they repeat to their dad when they disagree with something I've done (like not letting them eat only junk food all week-end). Their dad has talked to his ex, but it hasn't seemed to do any good. My husband and I have a good relationship and try to present a united front to all the kids (I also have two that live with us). This has not caused a huge problem with us yet, but I would like it put a stop to all of it before it does. Any suggestions?

This situation is very common I think in multi-parent housholds. The adults need to communicate about this in a open discussion (all parties). Everyone has to understand the kids just want a consitant response from all parents involved. When one parent takes the time to degrade the other; true it may weaken the "talked down" parent at first but kids a intuative by nature and quickly realize the "bad mouther" is mearly covering up their own insecurity. You are the one who must set the standard. Can you talk with the Ex? Is she receptive to you or threatened? It does get better with time, but parenting teenagers is tough when everyone IS on the same page...the sooner everyone gets there, the better.

Angie, step-parenting is tough but also rewarding.

In 1972 I got married at 21 and the lady I married was 26 and she had 7 & 9 year old daughters. I also had to put up with a lot of “garbage” not only from their father but from the father’s parents also.

My wife and I tried several times to talk to them and let them know the only people they were hurting were the girls. A couple of the conversations got pretty heated, but in the long run they had such contempt for me at the time the talks went no where.

We just tried to make the girls understand that I was not there to replace their father, but I was now a part of their family. We went through some tough time, but no time did I be little the girl’s father or grandparents, and they too would bring things up that was said but no time would my wife let that interfere. I did the best I could to show my love for them, as they grew older they began to realize what was going on.

With me only being 21, the girls and I "grew" together and I’m proud to say that, even though their mother and I are now divorced, they still call me Dad.

The best advice I can give is that you and your husband are going to have to ride this out together and not let them play the situation. I know it will be hard at times, but it is a must that you work together. And don’t by any means ever talk about their mother (other than good things) in front of them.

It will eventually get better.

Good luck and God bless.

Angie,

I can only hope that your situation will work out as well as mine has. I've been both the 'bad mouther' as well as the one that was talked about. My ex married the women that I caught him cheating with. And of course, I had plenty to say. (And none of it nice) Thankfully my daughter was only 3 at the time and really didn't understand what I was ranting about. (I'm not saying it was right, but after 20 years together, jr. high, high school, college, and 12 years marriage, I was very hurt!)

The bad part of my ranting was that the new women hated my daughter just for looking like me. And the unbalance of treatment in their house persisted until my daughter was around 12.

The good news is that I stopped ranting about her a long time ago, and she has learned to accept my daughter as not just being a carbon copy of me. We actually attended a party this past summer, ALL OF US, and sat together and had a great time!

It's unfortunate that as adults we can't always stop ourselves from behaving the way we do. I regret having ranted about her and hope that she now feels the same. But even if she doesn't, I don't care anymore. It's not important. And my daughter, now 16, has a good relationship with all parents, including the step-parents.

my post will come from a step-child's perspective. my mom and father divorced when i was 2. and my mom was a saint in that she never spoke ill of my father or my new step mom... (when she had all the right in the world) when i was like 10 my mom decided to marry Tom, my Daddy. when he came into our lives, at first i tried the whole "you're not my dad" thing, which my Daddy suffered with the grace of God. and when they married, they sat down and told my brothers and sister and me (my Dad's kids & me) that we were a family now and my mom made it clear that what my dad said went... no matter what. and as time went by i began to apprecate the stability he offered me, that my father's family never gave. and i finally learned why my mom and he split up, things that as a child i could have never understood, and now dislike him for greatly (threatuing my mom and such... drunkard etc). My point is that my step father became the father i always wanted and needed. He was and will always be my Daddy... (even though he was taken from us by a heart attack when i was 18). So have faith Step-Mom. stand your ground, be the rock and you'll be rewarded... though anyone who survives raising teenagers should be a saint :) :grin: :grin:

Though some people will disagree with what I say, please bear with me. Try to do everything in your power not to bad mouth the mother in any way. It will be difficult at times but in the end you will be glad you did.

My situation is different from yours to the extreme yet the two are similar in the case that what you say about the other parents in the girls lives will be remembered in the future as well as what they say about you. If you speak nothing bad about the other parent, the girls will not have your words to resent when they are able to determine the truth on their own. Children are not stupid in any case and in time they will see the truth regardless of the words spoken. Give them no cause to blame you for their unhappiness only show them how much they mean to you.

I have done this with my daughter's father who has never been a part of her life. She will hear nothing bad about him from me while she grows up. In time she will no doubt discover the truth of the situation but I will never be the one to tell her that he didn't want her.

I want to thank everyone for their advice and support. I do not bad mouth either my step-daughters' mother or my own children's father (although I will admit at times I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying something I will regret). I hope in time, the girls will realize that their mother is wrong about me and that we can have a close relationship. All I can do is pray for patience and guidance and hope for the best.

If you can stand one more on the subject...I have a step son who was only 3 when I married his Dad. I never spoke badly of his mother nor did I try to replace her. As he grew older, I would not allow him to speak badly of her in my presence (although I had to agree with him :-) ). He is now an adult and he has figured out how things really are. Trust me...if the other parent is talking bad about you, don't stoop to their level. The kids will figure it out in time and you will be the bigger person for it. If you are tempted to do the trashing, think again.

I could use some advice in this area...I'm not to the step parent phase yet, but...

My divorce was final in August. I've just started dating again, and refuse to let anyone meet my kids. At 5 and 9 they get very attached to people and I don't like the idea of them getting attached to someone that I may only date for a few months and never want to see again. A few people have thought I'm way off base on this, any opinions?

I think you are right on track. I dated a bit, but only when the kids were with their Dad. It was only when I met someone very special did I bring him around my kids. I started out talking about him to them and eventually we had the big meeting. To bring "multiple beau's" around your kids will only confuse them, especially if they DO grow attached. My kids are now quite comfortable around my friend, and I am glad I waited. The tougher part was telling my parents that I was dating......

My kids are with their dad for one week and with me the next and for now they no nothing about me dating. The kids have occasionally heard me on the phone with someone, but that's it.

My parents are actually glad to see me moving on.

We dated for about 2 months before he met the kids. My kids are old enough that I can leave them without a sitter....we started out with my going to meet him for ice cream or a walk on one of the weeks I had the kids. From there we moved to him picking me up for dinner and a quick meeting. We usually see each other twice a week, even when the kids are there. We do things all together now...movies, dinner, ball games. I too, have a one week on, one week off custody set up.

My parents haven't met him yet, but they live 3 hours away...

I'm a little concerned about how they'll take meeting someone in the future. My 9 year old daughter did tell my dad that Kenny Chesney was my boyfriend, I have a picture of him on the beach as the screen saver on the computer. I had to laugh, and have to admit I thought I wish! :o

[quote]I could use some advice in this area...I'm not to the step parent phase yet, but...

My divorce was final in August. I've just started dating again, and refuse to let anyone meet my kids. At 5 and 9 they get very attached to people and I don't like the idea of them getting attached to someone that I may only date for a few months and never want to see again. A few people have thought I'm way off base on this, any opinions? [/quote]

You are not "way off base" for wanting to protect your children. Losing someone you care about regardless of the reason is difficult for anyone but for adults it is easier to rationalize the situation than it is for children.

I refuse to allow anyone to meet my daughter for the same reason. Growing up without a father is difficult enough for her; I would hate to give her the company of a man she might grow to love only to have him taken from her in the future because I no longer wished to see him. I decided that until I become serious enough about someone to be contemplating marriage,they will know about her but they will not spend time with her.

My daughter was 3 when I married her mom 10 years ago. We all remain fairly good friends with the ex, and I've always tried to never say anything negative about him in front of my daughter, even when he makes big, outlandish promises to her and then fails to deliver. I've always tried to be there for her and to never promise anything I couldn't make good on. It's very difficult sometimes, because he's the "fun" dad and I'm the disciplinarian, and I know she resents me at times. However, I keep hoping that as she grows up she'll see the true story.

usbavp

I'm sure that when she grows up she will see you as the responsible and dependable father she could count on to take of care of her and always be there when she needed you. Her resentment now has more to do with her age than with you. She would resent most anyone with authority over her at this stage in her life, and you as the step-parent are the easiest target.

When I married my husband 16 years ago, he had 3 kids, ages 7, 9, & 12. I was in a unique situation in a couple of ways. I had known the kids since the oldest was 5. I was a friend of their aunts. I never had to deal with an ex. (well, almost never...) she walked away when the baby was 17 months old, and with the exception of a couple of postcards over the years, she never looked back. Larry and I have never bad-mouthed her to the kids. Now that they are grown (the "baby" of the group just turned 24), it is their choice whether or not to seek a relationship. It broke my heart that she chose no contact with the kids, but it did save me the grief of dealing with an "ex". I love my kids as if I had given birth to them, and they come to me as their mother, not step-mother. There were a couple of trying times through the rough teen years, but nothing that 'undivorced families' don't go through. Just be patient and let the kids know that you aren't a replacement, you are an addition to the family. My prayers are with you.

I was re-reading some old posts and decided to check and see how things are going. I replied to your original post and hope things are good. I guess what I didn't say that I will say now is PICK YOUR BATTLES. When Larry and I first married I didn't follow that rule myself, and I spent alot of time upset over things that would have worked themselves out in the end without my stressing out over them. I know we have two entirely different situations, but I would (and do) give that advice to every parent on the planet. If you are faced with something that you are not sure about, ask yourself a couple of questions:
1. Is this sin that will hurt this child in the long run? (or short run for that matter)

2. Is anyone else being hurt, and how should you handle that. It really is a separate issue.
and

3. Will this matter 5 years from now?

Once I started choosing my battles, life was much easier on ALL of us. I'm glad to say that the "steps" (I HATE that word) have all turned out fine and I love them with all my heart. There is absolutely no difference between them and T-Girl, except for the hours spent in labor. Good luck and God Bless.

I wish that I could say that things have changed and everything is going great, but sadly I can't. The girls are spending less and less time with us. It has gotten to the point that their mom even suggested that if I wasn't there, maybe the girls would come to see their dad more often. I talked to my husband about it (I was willing to leave if he thought it would help), but he said that his ex was poisoning their minds and he was not going to let that ruin our relationship. When the girls are down, I try not to discipline them, but sometimes that just doesn't work. If all 4 kids are doing something and I tell my kids to stop, I have to tell all 4 to stop, right? It has been a very tense time recently. Hopefully, after the holidays, when things are less stressful everything will get better.

My mom talked bad about our father. True, he hadn't made much contact with us, but telling us how to think about him isn't fair. We were just kids. What your husband's ex is doing is catty and wrong. Evidently she is jealous of you for being with him and can't/won't get herself over it. Just keep showing the kids that you care for them, and over time they'll see that she is wrong. She's only hurting her own credibility. I saw my father for the first time in years a couple months ago and he's never met my youngest child, but we are trying to get a semblance of a relationship together. It's nice.

If any of you BOLers out there are divorced with children, please be understanding that those kids listen to every word. Don't poison them with negativity of any kind, especially involving their parent and/or that parent's new significant other. You're only alienating yourself.

(stepping off my soapbox)