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#1334076 - 01/29/10 06:32 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
doobydoobydoo Offline
Power Poster
doobydoobydoo
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 4,195
Basking in the Cool Weather
What are the three fastest ways to spread a rumor?


3. Telegram


2. Telephone

Click to reveal..
1. Tell a Woman
_________________________
I'll be in the hospital bar.
Uh, you know there isn't a hospital bar, Mother.
Well, this is why people hate hospitals.

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Chat! - BOL Watercooler
#1334093 - 01/29/10 06:38 PM Re: Jokes Only doobydoobydoo
Retired DQ Offline
10K Club
Retired DQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
::groan::
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#1334343 - 01/29/10 09:10 PM Re: Jokes Only Retired DQ
Spivol Offline
Power Poster
Spivol
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 3,050
Tulsa, Ok
Nice...
_________________________
It takes a long time but God dies too, but not before he'll stick it to you. - Issac Brock

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#1334491 - 01/29/10 11:45 PM Re: Jokes Only Spivol
Truffle Royale Offline

10K Club
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 17,395
Thought of the day:

Women are Angels and when someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly......... on a broomstick. We are flexible!

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#1334494 - 01/29/10 11:57 PM Re: Jokes Only Truffle Royale
Becka Marr Offline
Power Poster
Becka Marr
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,152
I like that thought... grin
_________________________
To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. ~Elbert Hubbard

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#1334557 - 01/31/10 02:30 AM Re: Jokes Only Becka Marr
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.... Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like [censored]. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.


December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white [censored] fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the butthole is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!?! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a [censored] who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.


December 25
Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the [censored] did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. My WIFE is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his BUTT. The wife went home to her mother.... Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1334643 - 02/01/10 02:05 PM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
Ponderisms:

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? *
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE *

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?****

There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?


If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Being it is income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells... 'THEIRS'?
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1334793 - 02/01/10 04:39 PM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
GuitarDude Offline
Power Poster
GuitarDude
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 5,925
So Cal
Originally Posted By: DD Regs
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


But swearing doesn't become an art form until you start to play golf. whistle

laugh
_________________________
I've just writed a wrong.

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#1334981 - 02/01/10 06:48 PM Re: Jokes Only GuitarDude
HRH Okie Banker Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 3,070
Oklahoma
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
_________________________
Just working here until I get my letter from Hogwarts.

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#1335154 - 02/01/10 08:28 PM Re: Jokes Only HRH Okie Banker
Spivol Offline
Power Poster
Spivol
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 3,050
Tulsa, Ok
There was a man who had worked at a factory for twenty years. Every night when he left the plant, he would push a wheelbarrow full of straw to the guard at the gate.

The guard would look through the straw, and find nothing and pass the man through.

On the day of his retirement the man came to the guard as usual but without the wheelbarrow.

Having become friends over the years, the guard asked him, "Charlie, I've seen you walk out of here every night for twenty years. I know you've been stealing something. Now that you're retired, tell me what it is. It's driving me crazy."

Charlie simply smiled and replied, "Okay, wheelbarrows!"
_________________________
It takes a long time but God dies too, but not before he'll stick it to you. - Issac Brock

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#1335159 - 02/01/10 08:29 PM Re: Jokes Only Spivol
Spook-a-Muffin Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 8,528
Elm Street - ish ♥
Ha ha clever clever ^^
_________________________
I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then.

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#1336932 - 02/03/10 07:53 PM Re: Jokes Only Spook-a-Muffin
MB Guy Offline
10K Club
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 10,124
Way, way south.
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ..

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .

WHAT THE ...!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both [censored]
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both [censored] were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the
gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
_________________________
Giddy up.

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#1337106 - 02/03/10 10:37 PM Re: Jokes Only Spook-a-Muffin
'Lil Freak! Offline
10K Club
'Lil Freak!
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,596
The psych ward
Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
_________________________
No, I didn't lose my mind. It got scared and ran away.

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#1337519 - 02/04/10 04:42 PM Re: Jokes Only 'Lil Freak!
Spook-a-Muffin Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 8,528
Elm Street - ish ♥
Originally Posted By: ‘Lil Freak!
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....



I LOVE this one
_________________________
I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then.

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#1338741 - 02/05/10 06:27 PM Re: Jokes Only °X°
#Just Jay Offline
10K Club
#Just Jay
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 14,390
Cheeseheadland
Feb. 5

Dear Valued Toyota Customer:
We thought we would take a moment to check on your satisfaction with the Prius. We like to think of Toyota as one big family and wouldn't want to see a cousin, say, decapitated by the windshield, which it appears can swing loose from the hood under unusual circumstances, such as braking. Because you will be braking more frequently now that you can (see little metal square advisory, Jan. 23), please bring the vehicle in to the dealership at your earliest convenience. There is no cause for concern. The dealer will install a little titanium rectangle that should hold the windshield fast in subgust conditions and incidentally may improve your FM reception. He will also offer you one (1) free mocha cappuccino. If he does not offer you the mocha cappuccino, go ahead and ask him for it, and he should remember right away. Please accept our apologies for the inconvenience.

Sincerely,
Toyota Motor North America


Feb. 8

Dear Valued Toyota Customer:
In an abundance of caution, please find enclosed a little bronze rhombus, a set of roadside flares, a GPS kit and a hunting knife. Please return the GPS kit and any unused flares once the rhombus is installed and the vehicle has stopped steering itself. You may keep the hunting knife as a gift. By the way, do you happen to know what titanium looks like? Just wondering.

Curiously,
Toyota Motor North America


Feb. 11

Dear Valued Toyota Customer:
Take the rectangle out. Take it out. Do not wait to visit the dealership. Yank it, wearing an ordinary dentist's lead apron or at least a goalie glove, and bury it twelve (12) feet deep until the officials arrive. You will recognize them from the special suits. Have you buried it already? We assume you checked the depth of the water table. Please await further instructions. There is no cause for concern. You may resume contact with infants and people with compromised immune systems in 90 (ninety) days.

Calmly,
Toyota Motor North America


Feb. 14

Dear Valued Toyota Customer:
Will you be our valentine? Meet us at that little Italian place in the mall, next to Old Navy, at eight (8). It's OK if you didn't get us anything. We have something for you, a sassy little steel bolt. We meant to give it to you when you bought your Prius, in your Prius, to secure the engine block. That is, to ensure the engine block is secure. For all we know, it may be snug as a bug in a rug.

Love,
Toyota Motor North America


Feb. 17

Dear etc.:
Please jam this fish in the fan belt. It couldn't hurt.
Deep bow,

TMNA


Feb. 25

Look, the goddam car is possessed. We would be happy to keep sticking bits of metal into it if we thought it would do any good, but there's no way the radiator should be revolving 360 degrees like that. That's just scary. With your Prius now hissing obscenities and spraying transmission fluid in your face, it's time to get down to business. Father Donovan, who drove the beast out of the Dreamliner, will visit you at midnight. He is a professional and will leave the kids alone. He brings all his own paraphernalia and asks only that you venture into the garage once or twice during the great struggle to mop his brow and clean up any oil or dislodged teeth. There is no cause for concern.

Together against Satan,
Toyota Motor North America
_________________________
I don't repeat gossip, so listen closely...

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#1340447 - 02/09/10 08:52 PM Re: Jokes Only #Just Jay
Skittles Online
10K Club
Skittles
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 13,965
TN
Fondling in Bed

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past hte side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeeded up her inner thigh stopping just at hte uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her other side. Abruptly he stopped, turned over and began watching TV.

The wife, being thoroughly aroused at this point, said in a husky voice 'Why did you stop'?

The husband replied 'I found the remote'.
_________________________
My Opinions Only

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#1340452 - 02/09/10 08:56 PM Re: Jokes Only Skittles
Spook-a-Muffin Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 8,528
Elm Street - ish ♥
oh...burn.
_________________________
I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then.

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#1341881 - 02/11/10 04:58 PM Re: Jokes Only Spook-a-Muffin
MB Guy Offline
10K Club
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 10,124
Way, way south.
BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
_________________________
Giddy up.

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#1347314 - 02/23/10 01:11 AM Re: Jokes Only MB Guy
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and p all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!! smirk
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1347938 - 02/23/10 10:23 PM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
'Lil Freak! Offline
10K Club
'Lil Freak!
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,596
The psych ward
The first man married a woman from OHIO . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man married a woman from TEXAS He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking...The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.



The third man married a girl from MICHIGAN . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.
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No, I didn't lose my mind. It got scared and ran away.

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#1348032 - 02/24/10 02:26 AM Re: Jokes Only 'Lil Freak!
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
A teacher asked the kids of her class to identify the flavor of life saver.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1348056 - 02/24/10 12:58 PM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
Subject: Government work

A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asked him, 'Are you allergic to anything?

He replied, 'Yes - caffeine.'

'Have you ever been in the military service?'

'Yes,' he replied. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer said, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.

Then he asked,'Are you disabled in any way?'

The guy said, Yes....an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.

The interviewer grimaced and then said, OK. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM TO 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.

The guy was puzzled and asks, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?

This is a government job, the interviewer said. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1348058 - 02/24/10 01:06 PM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
Retired DQ Offline
10K Club
Retired DQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,766
Turnpike Exit 10
Subject: The genie

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed
> woman asked if she got three wishes.
>
> The genie said: 'I'm a one wish-genie.
> So... what'll it be?'
>
> The woman did not hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East . See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and want all the Arabs to love the Jews and America and vice-versa.It will bring about world peace and harmony.
>
> The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands
> of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't
> think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.
>
> The woman thought for a minute and said, 'Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man. '
>
> The genie let out a sigh and said.........'Let me see the fricking map again.'
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#1348542 - 02/24/10 07:36 PM Re: Jokes Only Retired DQ
HappyGilmore Offline
10K Club
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 19,844
Pulling people out of the ditc...
^^^the above being in the joke thread, because men really are like that, hence why she thinks it's funny
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Providing alternative truths since the invention of time

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#1348553 - 02/24/10 07:44 PM Re: Jokes Only HappyGilmore
MB Guy Offline
10K Club
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 10,124
Way, way south.
> The Ostrich
>
> A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress
> asks them for their orders.
>
> The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and
> turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
>
> 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
>
> A short time later the waitress returns with the order
> 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
> out the exact change for payment.
>
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A
> hamburger, fries and a coke.'
>
> The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
>
> Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
>
> This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The
> usual?' asks the waitress.
>
> 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak,
> baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
>
> 'Same,' says the ostrich.
>
> Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That
> will be $32.62.'
>
> Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his
> pocket and places it on the table.
>
> The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do
> you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every
> time?'
>
> 'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning
> the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
> me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
> anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
> always be there.'
>
> 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress.
> 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but
> you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
>
> 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is
> always there,' says the man..
>
> The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
>
> The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish
> was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say....'
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Giddy up.

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