These are great! Resume" Humor the Gift that keeps on giving

Those were great.

Those were great.

Thanks for sharing!

Even more from resumania.com:

"COVER LETTER: You are going to read this letter and think I am either too serious or a complete flake."
Which would you prefer?

"INTERESTS: Tuxedos."
Our dress code is slightly less formal.

"COVER LETTER: Upon your humble request, I will forward to your personal attention my letters of reference to be attached hereto and made part thereof."
Is this a cover letter or a legal contract?

"REFERENCES: My girlfriend."
We need someone a little more impartial.

"JOB DUTIES: Tracking competitor activities, scheming."
A conniving candidate.

"EDUCATION: Studied public rations."
Must be a new major.

"JOB DUTIES: Manage artificial workload."
We'd prefer to hear about your real workload.

"WORK HISTORY: Faxed documents to attorneys over sees."
We see a problem.

"OBJECTIVE: To get an opportunity to proof what I know."
Step one: Proof your resume.

"COVER LETTER: Hire me today and take advantage of a diamond in the ruff."
A candidate who's still rough around the edges.

"ACCOMPLISHMENTS: I've learned to say 'excuse me' in 11 languages."
He must be very clumsy.

"JOB DUTIES: Assist callers and answer heavy phones."
That's one way to build up your biceps.

"SKILLS: The ability to use short bursts of muscle force to propel myself - as in jumping or sprinting or throwing an object."
That's one way to fast-track your career.

"COVER LETTER: To creeat creeactions that satisfy both my customers and my creeactivity."
Now, that's some creative spelling!

"COVER LETTER: I work as a camp counsler."
Evidently, there were no dictionaries at camp.

"OBJECTIVE: To find a challenging and rewarding job in a _______."
Should we fill in the blank?

"COVER LETTER: I would love to interview for the position of (insert job title here). If you grant me an interview for (insert job title here), I feel confident you'll see why I'm the right person for the job."
Due to your failure to proofread, we can't help but (insert polite rejection line here).

"EDUCATION: High school degree or equivalent."
Which is it?

"JOB HISTORY: Grocery store catchier."
"Catchy" job title!

"COVER LETTER: I'm a runner - although sporadically in the last six months."
Write us back once you've hit your stride.

"SKILLS: Open to new iddeas."
OK, here's one: Be sure you proofread your resume before submitting it.

"CURRENT JOB: Dogg cleaner."
A dirty doggone job, but someone has to do it.

SKILLS: "I can type without looking at thekeyboard."
You might want to glance down every once in a while.

ADDITIONAL SKILLS: "Computers and off ice machines."
A cool contender.

EMPLOYER: " Myself; received pay raise for high sales."
It's good to be the boss.

SKILLS: "Very high learning ability and simple thinking."
Isn't that an oxymoron?

EXPERIENCE: "Handled horrendous projects that no one else wanted to do (especially major filing)."
That's the spirit.

QUALIFICATIONS: "Self-motivated, organized and detail oriented. High standards including attention to detail and quality of work."
Very good with detail, apparently.

EXPERIENCE: "Pizza delivery: Took orders over the phone. Great delivery service. Great delivery service."
You can say that again.

EXPERIENCE: "Detailed-oriented saleman."
We have our doubts.

COVER LETTER: "I prefer a fast-paste work environment."
For life's stickiest situations.

MISCELLANEOUS: "I'm taking tae kwon do. I have my orange belt at the moment, but I'm going for my black belt."
A clear warning to anyone who pilfers his lunch from the break room.

"REASON FOR LEAVING: I regretted leaving this job, which was the only job I've ever had with a future. I loved it! However, the winter weather was the worst."
Hope she can "spring" into a new job elsewhere.

"COVER LETTER: I'm attacking my resume for you to review."
Don't be so hard on yourself!

"OBJECTIVE: To be revered as a Goddess for my analytical skills; to be admired and talked about for my creative and elegant ideas; to work for a group that's still in it to have fun and make That Dream come alive; to be surrounded by good people who laugh often and whose own personal motivation inspires me; to forge consensus and sow encouragement in those around me."
Sorry, we don't yet have an opening for Goddess.

"DUTIES: Walked from one point to another."
Obviously takes direction well.

"SALARY DESIRED: Keep me alive, or enough to cover the expenses."
Evidently, not a very skilled negotiator.

"AVAILABILITY: Middle of May, middle of July, almost all of August."
We'll call you ...

"OBJECTIVE: To work."
That says it all.

"PERSONAL: I am in good health and I love the outdoors and computers."
We'll call you if a position opens up with an office in the woods.

"ACTIVITIES: I am very outgoing, and love going out all the time."
When should we expect you to come in for work?

"COVER LETTER: I've gone to great links to satisfy my executive clients."
That's par for the course in business today.

"DUTIES: I was instrumental in helping the company go through bankruptcy."
As long as you didn't contribute to its demise.

"COVER LETTER: I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know I'm looking to change jobs."
I suppose it all comes down to how you define "loyalty."

"COVER LETTER: Dear Sir or Madman."
Only the seriously deranged need reply.

"STRENGTHS: I am good at knowing when people do not understand me."
But then what?

"DUTIES: Worked at this upscale restaurant as a chew chief."
This morsel leaves us wondering what he meant.

"DUTIES: I was the company's liaison with the sock exchange."
We'll trade you six ankle socks for three argyle legwarmers.

"SKILLS: Office management, keyboard skills, Internet, database, communication, sense of humor, writer, designer, published humorist/cartoonist. Stuff."
That should cover all bases.

"AVAILABILITY: Soon."
Good to know.

COVER LETTER: "I am defiantly an asset to any company."
And a rebel at that.

"EXPERIENCE: Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed."
Thanks for clearing that up.

"DUTIES: Coordinated all employee schedules and maintained pay roll."
Plain or sesame?

"REASON FOR LEAVING: They stopped paying me."
Now that makes sense.

"CURRENT POSITION: Assistant Sore Manager."
A job that's a real pain in the neck.

COVER LETTER: "Hi! My name is ______________. I am applying for the advertised opening."
Who should we ask for when we call for an interview?

"POLITICAL AFFILIATIONS: I am a loyal member of the Democratic and Republican parties."
And what is your definition of "loyal"?

FAX COVER LETTER: "Can you please feel these papers out and send them back to me?"
We're "touched" that you asked.

Resume: "Rising above the established internship norm I set a whole new standard of service by retrieving lunch."
Hope you got a good tip.

Qualifications: "I am good looking, so I really feel I'm cut out for advertising."
If you say so!

Qualifications: "Licensed realtor in New York."
Nice ... but we're filling an accounting position in Texas.

Cover letter: "Sorry about the delay in getting my resume to you. It took me along time to proof it."
So long you didn't have time to read the cover letter.

Duties: "I was a sales representative. My goal was to sell as many and as much product as possible."
Sounds like a good plan ...

Duties: "My job was to create an extremely comfortable environment and to make sure all customers had a beverage and the time of their life."
Seems like a tall order.

Work history: "Fast-food place: cleaning, cashiering and frying burgers on the girl."
Did she get hazard pay?

Cover letter: "My past experiences in classes and internships have given me expertise in power electronics, controls and motors, and I feel your company will provide a great opportunity to utilize my expertise."
Are you sure you meant to send this here?

Cover letter: "I'd like to share with you my anticipated accomplishments."
We can't wait.

Cover letter: "I like bothering the boss until I get a raise."
How often have you succeeded this way?

Resume: "Two sons: grown and educated."
Bet that's a relief ...

Work history: "Bill collector: Arranged payment plans so that their wage would not be garnish."
We'd take that over a lemon wedge any day.

Extracurricular activities: "Various student afflictions."
Get well soon.

Skills: "People -- excel at getting alone with others."
An unfortunate typo ...

Objective: "I would like to have this job."
We gathered from the resume.

Cover letter: "I learn fast -- put a challenge before me and you'll see immediate results. I love cars, motorcycles, sky diving, bleeding-edge technology, music and the great outdoors."
How do you feel about accounting?

Cover letter: "I hope to bring your company to a higher level at my new location."
We were hoping to see results in our location.

Summary: "I am a work-alcoholic."
Another unfortunate typo ...

Accomplishments: "1993 - Introduced the Internet throughout the area."
Have you ever run for political office?

Duties: "Answered heavy phone."
Must have been quite a workout.

Cover letter: "I have more than 15 years of cost accounting experience. I also own 23 acres of fertile farm land in the Central Valley."
Are the two related, or are you just showing off?

Cover letter: "I recently launched my own business, but since it's quickly losing money, I need a job."
That leaves out business development director.

Cover letter: "Being able to work on my own as well as take direction in a team situation has been and will be a challenging experience and a task to take on."
What have you been doing up until now?

Cover letter: "You will be impressed with my ability to deal with both 'black-tie' and 'baseball hat' clientele."
Too bad we don't have an apparel division.

Cover letter: "As my career with the WWE begins, I will need to have a day job. Professional wrestling does not pay very well in the beginning."
Wonder if "The Rock" started like this ...

LOL, these remind me of the quotes a friend of mine has been pasting to Facebook from her students' papers (she teaches at a community college). There was one recently from someone writing about his "pet pees"...

I helped grade papers my senior year in college for remedial english classes and apparently the cool thing to do was to insert weird phrases into your roomates papers that they wouldn't catch before turning them in. You'd be reading about how so and so thought that Hamlet represented this or that and then you'd come across a line like:
"I want to put my hotdog* in a bowl of wonton soup"

I found out about this phenomenon after circling the phrase and puting a smilie with the note "Were you IMing while writing your paper?" and found out about the phenomenon from the red-faced kid on the day he got the paper back and felt the need to explain himself.