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#1348801 - 02/24/10 10:50 PM Re: Jokes Only MB Guy
NeBanker Offline
Gold Star
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 408
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and p all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

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#1348808 - 02/24/10 10:57 PM Re: Jokes Only NeBanker
YosemiteSamIAm Offline
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,795
Guess
^^^^^^
Hilarious!
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Sorry, did I just use my outside voice?

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#1348860 - 02/25/10 12:53 AM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
DD Regs Offline
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DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
Originally Posted By: DD Regs
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'



I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and p all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!! smirk


And wasn't this time.. whistle
Last edited by DD Regs; 02/25/10 12:54 AM.
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I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1349733 - 02/26/10 04:30 PM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
'Lil Freak! Offline
10K Club
'Lil Freak!
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,595
The psych ward
PHONE REPAIR


Chilliwack, BC, December 12, 2008

A local farm wife called Telus to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.


Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.
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No, I didn't lose my mind. It got scared and ran away.

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#1349980 - 02/26/10 07:52 PM Re: Jokes Only 'Lil Freak!
HRH Okie Banker Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 3,070
Oklahoma
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY". I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE, SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY.

ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT, JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BED ROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE...FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE...ON THE COUCH... NAKED.
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Just working here until I get my letter from Hogwarts.

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#1350403 - 03/01/10 04:01 PM Re: Jokes Only HRH Okie Banker
'Lil Freak! Offline
10K Club
'Lil Freak!
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,595
The psych ward
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

The redhead sighs and says: "Oh [censored], my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase? "
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No, I didn't lose my mind. It got scared and ran away.

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#1352250 - 03/04/10 03:56 PM Re: Jokes Only 'Lil Freak!
HRH Okie Banker Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 3,070
Oklahoma
THE MAMA TEST

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Mama, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.' I was thinking quickly and replied, 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mama Test.

You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mama..' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.

'Oh.....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.'

'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.
_________________________
Just working here until I get my letter from Hogwarts.

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#1352377 - 03/04/10 05:35 PM Re: Jokes Only HRH Okie Banker
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
Why Parents Drink



A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house..


I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home!
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1352598 - 03/04/10 08:22 PM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
Blessed Offline
Diamond Poster
Blessed
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,389
USA
Always love that dd
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Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)

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#1358998 - 03/17/10 03:40 PM Re: Jokes Only Blessed
Dip Offline
Power Poster
Dip
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 6,298
San Diego, CA
_________________________
Dabbling in banking, law, accounting...the life of a trustee.

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#1359044 - 03/17/10 04:07 PM Re: Jokes Only Dip
MB Guy Offline
10K Club
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 10,124
Way, way south.
Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven...

God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''

Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve…and I've come to understand that now.''

God thinks for a second and says:

"Very good; come and sit at my left.''

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''

Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness.

I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.''

God thinks for a second and says:

"You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''



Then God addresses Barrack. "Barrack, what do you believe?''



Obama replies: "I believe you're in my chair."
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Giddy up.

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#1359497 - 03/17/10 09:47 PM Re: Jokes Only MB Guy
NeBanker Offline
Gold Star
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 408
Irish Drive

Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.
The officer, approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer Air freshener!"


HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY....

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#1359506 - 03/17/10 09:52 PM Re: Jokes Only NeBanker
HRH Okie Banker Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 3,070
Oklahoma
^^ Love it!
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Just working here until I get my letter from Hogwarts.

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#1361149 - 03/19/10 07:05 PM Re: Jokes Only HRH Okie Banker
'Lil Freak! Offline
10K Club
'Lil Freak!
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,595
The psych ward
My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drug store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the drug store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."
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No, I didn't lose my mind. It got scared and ran away.

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#1361158 - 03/19/10 07:18 PM Re: Jokes Only 'Lil Freak!
Dip Offline
Power Poster
Dip
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 6,298
San Diego, CA
HAHAHAHA!!!!
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Dabbling in banking, law, accounting...the life of a trustee.

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#1361414 - 03/21/10 06:09 PM Re: Jokes Only Dip
HRH Okie Banker Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 3,070
Oklahoma
OLDER WOMEN ARE SO REASONABLE

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl."

"Now I have a $1,500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV but I'm sleeping with a 65 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
_________________________
Just working here until I get my letter from Hogwarts.

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#1361772 - 03/22/10 05:39 PM Re: Jokes Only HRH Okie Banker
HRH Okie Banker Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 3,070
Oklahoma
Bubba's sister was pregnant and was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother says, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name "Denise." What's the boy's name?"



















The doctor replies, "Denephew."
_________________________
Just working here until I get my letter from Hogwarts.

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#1361794 - 03/22/10 05:54 PM Re: Jokes Only HRH Okie Banker
Happy2BHere Offline
100 Club
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 209
Alabama
laugh!!!
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Its easy to judge others, but it is also easy to misjudge them.

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#1362122 - 03/23/10 11:53 AM Re: Jokes Only Happy2BHere
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
Forgetter Be Forgotten?

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke


For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the heck was that?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
_________________________
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1362123 - 03/23/10 11:54 AM Re: Jokes Only DD Regs
DeeQ Offline
10K Club
DeeQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,763
Turnpike Exit 10
Who are you, Pale? laugh
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#1363129 - 03/24/10 05:38 PM Re: Jokes Only DeeQ
Dip Offline
Power Poster
Dip
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 6,298
San Diego, CA
<< Insert cartoon of Maxine wearing slipper and drinkign a beer. >>

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, '[censored] no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the [censored] would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.


grin laugh grin
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Dabbling in banking, law, accounting...the life of a trustee.

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#1363137 - 03/24/10 05:46 PM Re: Jokes Only Dip
DeeQ Offline
10K Club
DeeQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,763
Turnpike Exit 10
laugh
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#1363360 - 03/24/10 08:21 PM Re: Jokes Only DeeQ
Comp Guy No More Offline
Diamond Poster
Comp Guy No More
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,488
North East
I miss X

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#1363444 - 03/24/10 09:20 PM Re: Jokes Only Comp Guy No More
Dip Offline
Power Poster
Dip
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 6,298
San Diego, CA
Are you sayign my joke was no good??? I thought it was funny!
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Dabbling in banking, law, accounting...the life of a trustee.

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#1367623 - 04/01/10 05:24 AM Re: Jokes Only Dip
Citrus Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,139
Wow, this thread is so long, I don't know if this has been posted before, so here goes:

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

A doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember what happened, but you were in an automobile pile-up on the freeway. You sustained multiple injuries. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again. It will take time, of course. You’ll have to have therapy and work hard, BUT….....”

The doctor grimaced a bit, and then said, "Something happened. I'm trying to break this to you gently but, the fact is, your [*man part] was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "I’ve been told that you've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming. We have state-of-the-art technology now to build you a new [*] that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But, the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

Even with this grim situation, the man perks up a bit at hearing this.

"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. Obviously, it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had five inches before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-inch before, and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she play a role in helping you to make the appropriate decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor returns the next day to discuss options. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes, I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

"We're getting Corian kitchen counter tops with Italian-tiled backsplash."

shocked

grin

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