Thread Options 
|
#137663 - 12/09/03 09:12 PM
Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
I recently got engaged to a man that earns about a third of my salary. He just gave me a very expensive tennis bracelet for my birthday that I'm sure he cannot afford. I tried to explain that I felt uncomfortable accepting it because it cost so much (trying NOT to say too expensive for HIM). How to get him to see I'd be happier and more comfortable with a bath towel set? I think he's trying to compete with my old boyfriend who was rolling in dough (but a jerk). 
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137664 - 12/09/03 09:25 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
Take the bracelet, then put pressure on this "Average Joe" to become the superstar gift-giver that your last high-income hunk was. Come on, women don't want a nice, normal, thoughful, considerate guy who spends more than he should on a romantic gift; instead, women want the bad boy hunk-o-pie who gives gifts with no thought. I'd keep the bracelet, then after Christmas send him packin'. Actually, you could contact your previous boyfriend and tell them both that the one who buys you the best, most-expensive diamond-studded tennis bracelet will become your official beau. Go for the material things!!
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137665 - 12/09/03 09:45 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Platinum Poster
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 798
|
Don't listen to Jeff-P  . I think you should have a long talk with your future husband and let him know that you love him, not what he can buy you. Your ex may have had more money, but your current man has more heart and that is what really matters.
_________________________
Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. ~Author Unknown
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137666 - 12/09/03 09:47 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Power Poster
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,153
|
OK, ignoring Jeff-P...
It is a gift. Accept it as that. Don't over analyze it, but make it clear in your actions that this type of gift giving is unnecessary to please you. Don't spoil his pleasure in giving you this gift. However, if you do not actually get married, offer it back (but do not insist--it was a choice by a man, not a boy). If he is single without children, he can best afford it now. Once you are married and have a few children, you can look at that bracelet as a token of his love--a token that he may not be able to afford once there are mouths to feed. This may become a special family heirloom.
Last edited by zaibatsu; 12/09/03 09:48 PM.
_________________________
Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137667 - 12/09/03 10:04 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Power Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 5,184
All over the map.
|
Quote:
OK, ignoring Jeff-P...
It is a gift. Accept it as that. Don't over analyze it, but make it clear in your actions that this type of gift giving is unnecessary to please you. Don't spoil his pleasure in giving you this gift. However, if you do not actually get married, offer it back (but do not insist--it was a choice by a man, not a boy). If he is single without children, he can best afford it now. Once you are married and have a few children, you can look at that bracelet as a token of his love--a token that he may not be able to afford once there are mouths to feed. This may become a special family heirloom.
Well put Z.
_________________________
On the road again.....I just can't wait to get on the road again.
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137669 - 12/09/03 10:20 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
Obviously I was speaking "tongue-in-cheek" before, and my real feelings are that the simple things in life are what bring substance to all relationships. Accept the gift, then in a low-key but loving way make it clear to him that you don't expect these types of material items. Understandably, if you are engaged to him, he must have had qualities you valued; therefore, I'm sure you'll figure out a way to convey your feelings in a prudent manner.
Not to pop your bubble, but I notice as a point of information that you mention the variance in your salaries. If you and he are in different career paths/jobs, etc., which might mean that his salary may never exceed your own, I hope you've assessed this and that it's not something you'll resent him for later.
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137670 - 12/09/03 10:27 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Power Poster
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,045
Pedaling along a scenic highwa...
|
Quote:
OK, ignoring Jeff-P...
It is a gift. Accept it as that. Don't over analyze it, but make it clear in your actions that this type of gift giving is unnecessary to please you. Don't spoil his pleasure in giving you this gift. However, if you do not actually get married, offer it back (but do not insist--it was a choice by a man, not a boy). If he is single without children, he can best afford it now. Once you are married and have a few children, you can look at that bracelet as a token of his love--a token that he may not be able to afford once there are mouths to feed. This may become a special family heirloom.
I don't know whether to cry that the resident football expert and bartender is an emotional well, or to just agree with him! I'll agree with him. Z's right, this is a man, not a boy. Yes, he is trying to compete, most likely. With your reassurance, he'll likely not repeat this in the future. Make it known to him that your future together is far more important than material gifts and that you should be working "together" to build that future...if that means less expensive gifts, then that's what it takes. Sounds, though, like you've got a good one. Good for you.
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137672 - 12/09/03 11:17 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
Wow, such sensitive male responders! This is much different from that Friday Cleabatsu's crowd.
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
#137673 - 12/09/03 11:39 PM
Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Platinum Poster
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 721
California
|
Quote:
Look at it this way...it only gets better. After being married for 3 years we were moving into a new house. For my birthday I got a bug light to hang in the back yard! Duh!
For my 3rd Anniversary I got a new garbage disposal for my new home - that was 23 years ago, now we just laugh about it, but I really did want one. Too bad a little jewel wasn't sitting on the sink to boot, but you get what you can afford, and yes... I love him dearly after 26 years, and now on our 2nd garbage disposal (same house).
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137674 - 12/10/03 01:58 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
Quote:
Wow, such sensitive male responders! This is much different from that Friday Cleabatsu's crowd.
To heck with that - go get it appraise, it's probably fake! (Just kidding - the BOL couch is the sensistive side of Cleabatsu's  ) - keep the gift and don't make him feel bad. Do like in the commercial and take him out to a public place (if you can't go to Europe, then go local), gaze into his eyes, look at the bracelet, let out a sigh, squeeze him tight, and yell out "I love this man"!
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137675 - 12/10/03 01:58 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
Thank you all, I can see I'm being a real jerk myself (pot calling the kettle black). I'm a VP with my bank over 20 years while he's followed his heart and does Crital Cardiac/Advance Life Support EMS. When I got home from work on my birthday there was dinner, flowers, romantic music, champaign, candles....and this darn bracelet. OK, I feel like such a *itch. I'm going to crawl back into my cave, pick up the bat phone and call and say thank you. Then I'm gonna shut up. 
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137677 - 12/10/03 03:37 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
Not Ungreatful - By the way, just out of curiosity ... what kind of work did your old boyfriend do? (I'm talking about the guy you said made the big bucks, but who you described as a "jerk").
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137679 - 12/10/03 04:58 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
A pilot with a plane, a Harley, a boat, a ski chalet and an anger management problem.
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137680 - 12/10/03 04:59 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Power Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 5,184
All over the map.
|
Sounds like you got out just in time. Anger management issues are not pretty.
_________________________
On the road again.....I just can't wait to get on the road again.
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137681 - 12/10/03 05:02 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
Oh, and we were together 12 years. Broke up last January. Still hurts, but moving on.....
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137682 - 12/10/03 05:32 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
Oh, oh ... you just broke up last January after a 12-year thing, and you're already engaged? And the last guy could drive you on his Harley to the airport where he could get in his plane and fly you to his chalet, while the new guy rides you on his Vespa motor scooter to the bus station in order to catch the bus to a rental cottage that he'll barely be able to afford. Am I seeing something here that you're not sharing with us. Could this be one of those "rebound" relationships we sometimes hear of?
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137683 - 12/10/03 05:35 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
Jeff, you forgot the 12 year guy's boat. What about the boat?
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137684 - 12/10/03 05:39 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
. . . AND she . . . "still hurts" Not good. Engaged but still thinking about the previous one.
- g
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137685 - 12/10/03 05:43 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
And I sure miss that boat, too!!
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137686 - 12/10/03 06:22 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
Now knowing what I know and seeing this thing in its totality, I think the bracelet should be returned for the more practical towel set. You may be inadvertently egging him on with all of the assets and former boyfriend net worth discussion. You haven't even been out of the ski chalet for a year yet, and you're engaged after a 12-year relationship. Forget the bracelet discussion, the overall marriage prognosis is marginal.
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137687 - 12/10/03 06:24 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
Hey Jeff, how about Doubtful with a large reserve against the ALLL!!
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
#137688 - 12/10/03 07:22 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Gold Star
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 298
Pacific Northwest
|
I normally don't step into things like this, but I honestly think this needs to stop. Any engagement is going to spend time in limbo, and having discouragement from anyone is not a good thing. One can never be certain on how well a marriage will work, especially if you are not a close personal friend of those engaged. Personally, I asked my wife to marry me three months after we started dating, and we started dating less than two months after she broke a 4 year relationship. When we married, she was still attending college. We are to this day happily married, with a warm home and a happy daughter. Just remember, all things are possible. Best to you, Not Ungrateful. 
_________________________
Everyone has to make a living, mine just happens to involve thumbscrews.
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137689 - 12/11/03 06:32 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
I like all of these short courtships. I once saw a beautiful guy in the grocery line, thought of asking him to marry me, but I chickened out. I thought I should at least wait 'til the next grocery day.
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137691 - 12/11/03 07:58 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Anonymous
Unregistered
|
Thanks all the same, Jeff-P, I'll ride my own Harley to the airport. 
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137692 - 12/11/03 08:53 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Platinum Poster
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 570
Dallas, Texas
|
Quote:
For my birthday I got a bug light to hang in the back yard! Duh!
Why didn't I think of that? What a considerate husband! LOL
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
#137693 - 12/16/03 10:27 PM
Re: Rejecting an Expensive Gift
|
Platinum Poster
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 921
Down South, USA
|
Quote:
..... which might mean that his salary may never exceed your own, I hope you've assessed this and that it's not something you'll resent him for later.
I'd worry more about his psyche - it can be very hard for a man to know that he is the minor earner, especially if children are a possibility, as the expense of having a family is considerable and it might not be possible to forego the greater part of the family income even for a few years.
Quote:
..... Personally, I asked my wife to marry me three months after we started dating, ....
I tend to be against short engagments in principle (and ones significantly longer than a year also) but then although I was engaged for nine months, and had known my (now) wife for eighteen months when we married, I had only spent about six weeks face to face with her as we lived on different continents. 
_________________________
This is my opinion; it is not legal advice, nor the view of my employer, and it may change tomorrow.
|
|
Return to Top
|
|
|
|
|
|
Previous Thread
Index