Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Wa s I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."



He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.



Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Those were cute!

I see them as my future LMAO

I absolutely LOVED the last one.

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE
FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals..

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life,
Then let's all get wasted together
And have the time of our lives.


Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC
_______________________________________________

At the feast of ego
Everyone leaves hungry.

Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ

_______________________________________________

If voting could really change things,
It would be illegal.

Revolution Books
New York , New York ..

_______________________________________________

LMAO

An 88 year old man goes to his doctor fearing he's having a heart attack. The doctor comes back with the results and tells him "Mr. Jones, you don't look good. You need to follow my specific instructions if you don't want to end up back in here in a week." A week later, the doctor sees Mr. Jones walking down the sidewalk with a beautiful 22 year old woman on his arm and a big smile on Mr. Jones' face. The doctor is astonished: "What are you doing????" The old man answers, "Just following doctor's orders...you said to get a hot mama and be cheerful!" The doctor answers back, "No, no! I said you have a HEART MURMUR...be CAREFUL."

An Amish boy and his father were in a Mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this, Father .... ?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your mother.'

.
The following are all replies that London women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way....

Who's your Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to checkout No. 10. It takes 1st prize and No. 3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am
unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but
I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list
of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue
where I had s$x with a man I met that night. I do
remember that the s$x was so good that I fainted. If you
do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my
stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW
service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had s$x with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate
and that he is the Saver risen again.


6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he
informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn
between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do
catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....
well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was
conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic
Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme
about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and
watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56
Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you
can't be sure which one made you f#rt.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he
holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.
Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was
indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what
to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a
scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged..

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It
disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern
here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet
with my son holding the cage in his lap..

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .
.Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally,
as they come into maturity, like most male
species, they um . . um . . . [censored]. Just the way he did, lying
on his back." He blushed, glancing at my
wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just . .. . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And
giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm
picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny
little . . " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled
the lizard and our son back into the car. He
was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

Chenin, I just loved your joke!!! I needed a good laugh and this tread sure helped a good way to end the day

A great list to help you make it through the week

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history and your emails if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. Just how the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5, as I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died, and who they were with at the time.

8. Bad decisions make good stories.

9. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment in your
day when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for
the rest of that day.

10. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after BlueRay? I don't
want to have to restart my collection...AGAIN!!

11. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I
did not make any changes to.

12. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn
it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail.
What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

13. I hate leaving my house confident and looking really good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day, what a waste!

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than with Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto and/or Barrio" routing option,
plus "Hazardous Parking Areas" for taggers or high risk of vehicle being
stripped/stolen.

18. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

19. I would rather try to carry 10 grocery bags in each hand than take 2
trips to bring my groceries from the car into the house.

20. Sometimes I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom
and hunger.

21. How many times do you suppose it is OK to say "What?" before you just
nod and smile because you still didn't hear, understand or you just weren't
paying attention to a word they just said?

22. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to
prevent a jerk from cutting into your lane. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!

23. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

24. Is it just me or do teenagers get dumber and dumber every year?

25. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going down after leaning your chair back just a tad too far....

26. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

27. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket or purse, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the
Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, pitch black,
first time, even in a strange motel room, every time! (YEP!)

Now isn't it a great little list. . .

Homeless Man's Funeral -

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
man. Since he had no family or friends and the brief, state-financed
service was to be held at a pauper's cemetery in southeastern Oklahoma
back-country, I volunteered to play for nothing because my heart went
out to this lonely man to whom life had been so cruel.

Since I was not familiar with the backwoods area of Oklahoma , I got
lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I
finally arrived an hour late.... and saw the funeral director had
already left because the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the backhoe and digging crew left at the site.... and
they were eating lunch when I drove up. I felt badly and apologized to
the men for being an hour late for the ceremony. I went to the side of
the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I
didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends. I
played like I've never played before because I felt a deep sadness for
this homeless man who at least deserved some bit of honor and
recognition of his passing.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace' straight from my gut with a haunting
power and beautiful sound I've never experienced, the workers began to
weep. They wept; I wept; we all wept together as I played. When I
finished, I plucked a nearby wildflower, tossed it on top of the
concrete vault, packed up my bagpipes and silently headed back toward
my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to
my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Jesus, I never seen or
heard nothin' as beautiful and touching like that before.... and I've
been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years".

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family..

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires...

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?'

'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked...

'Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'

The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

I would've held out for Brad Pitt...