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#1422573 - 08/02/10 01:15 PM Just wanted to say thank you
DD Regs Offline
Power Poster
DD Regs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle

As we progress into the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a .25 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late. (Love this one-got me!)

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

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#1422592 - 08/02/10 01:47 PM Re: Just wanted to say thank you DD Regs
Pale Rider Offline
10K Club
Pale Rider
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 34,318
under the Lone Star
I no longer post in certain threads for fear of germs...
Societies that do not find work in and of itself "pleasing to God and requisite to Man," tend to be highly corrupt.

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#1422600 - 08/02/10 02:03 PM Re: Just wanted to say thank you DD Regs
HRH Okie Banker Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 3,070
Originally Posted By: DD Regs

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

grin Guilty!
Just working here until I get my letter from Hogwarts.

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#1422664 - 08/02/10 03:22 PM Re: Just wanted to say thank you HRH Okie Banker
GuitarDude Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 5,925
So Cal
Those are great, DD.

Some of my other favorites are:

1) Do not use your cell phone while it is charging because it will explode and burn your face off.

2) The toilet is the cleanest part of any home or building as every test performed on any other object reveals that it has more germs than said toilet.

4) Kings, queens, princes and princesses in European and Middle Eastern countries never have heirs and their colleagues need strangers from the U.S. to help them claim their multi-million dollar bank accounts for a small, up-front fee.

5) Beautiful women cannot get dates on their own and are desperate to find me online.

6) You probably didn't even notice that this list does not contain a #3.

I've just writed a wrong.

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#1422736 - 08/02/10 04:32 PM Re: Just wanted to say thank you GuitarDude
Pup Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,045
Pedaling along a scenic highwa...
Guilty regarding the hand-on-the-mouse thing, but if the list wasn't so freakin' long, we wouldn't have to be scrolling down constantly!! wink

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#1422815 - 08/02/10 06:03 PM Re: Just wanted to say thank you Pup
East Texas Offline
Diamond Poster
East Texas
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,117
I keep my hand on the mouse because there is rarely anything on the screen that holds my attention long enough to justify moving it.
Romans 12: Read it...Live it...Don't blend in!!! smile

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#1422823 - 08/02/10 06:11 PM Re: Just wanted to say thank you East Texas
TheManofSteel Offline
10K Club
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 10,068
Fortress of Solitude
Although comical, knowing that there are people who are really like this, and myself being very anal retentive and germaphobic to a reasonable degree of course, I do caution anyone trapped in such OCD behaviors to remember, there is a reason we have an immune system. Live life you friggin losers laugh
"Beneath an ever watchful eye...the angels of the temple fly"

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#1423042 - 08/02/10 09:22 PM Re: Just wanted to say thank you TheManofSteel
Princess Romeo Offline

Power Poster
Princess Romeo
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 8,272
Where the heart is
Maybe this will make you feel better about the first 8 items on the list:

How Microbes Defend and Define Us

Yeah - so I no longer feel guilty about the dust bunnies peaking out from under the bed and sofa.

And that serial killer at the gas station? Heck - my great aunt warned me about that over 30 years ago!* That - and ALWAYS having my keys in my hand as I walk to and from the car. Which is a little more difficult now that I have a "fob" instead of a key.

I am aiming a certain finger on the hand that is on the mouse at your German scientist.

*In all seriousness, a friend from High School was a victim of a serial killer 32 years ago.
Last edited by Princess Romeo; 08/02/10 09:24 PM. Reason: In memory of Lauren
Regulations are a poor substitute for ethics.
Just sayin'

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#1423046 - 08/02/10 09:24 PM Re: Just wanted to say thank you TheManofSteel
Peepers Offline
10K Club
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 13,994
Originally Posted By: BooBooBear
I do caution anyone trapped in such OCD behaviors to remember, there is a reason we have an immune system. Live life you friggin losers laugh

::sneaks into TheManOfBengals office and wipes backside on his keyboard::

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#1423053 - 08/02/10 09:34 PM Re: Just wanted to say thank you Peepers
'Lil Freak! Offline
10K Club
'Lil Freak!
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,596
The psych ward
BooBooBear: "Why does my keyboard smell like butt?"
No, I didn't lose my mind. It got scared and ran away.

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