My best friend found out a year ago that her husband was having an affair. They decided to stay together and work through this. My husband and I hang out with them every weekend and they get along fine. But when my friend and I are alone, all she wants to do is talk about everything that happened and how miserable she is. This weekend, she wants her and I to go to their vacation home for the weekend and leave the men behind because she needs time away. I love my husband and we have a great time together and I don't want to go but hate to tell her no and hurt her feelings. I know she needs someone to talk to but I just can't listen to it anymore. The same thing over and over and I don't know what to tell her. AM I being selfish to not want to go away this weekend and spend time with my husband??

I don't think you are being selfish at all. Obviously your friend has unresolved issues over her husband's affair. While it is nice to have you to vent to, she really needs to deal directly with the source. Do they see a counselor together? If not, they should.

No you are not.

I have a very good friend who married her bf even though she caught him in bed with another woman. They have been married for 12 years and she still complains about how bad things are.

I was finally fed up and told her to fix it or leave. I love her to death, but didn't want to hear about it anymore unless she brought a solution to the table.

Just say no.

You can tell her it's not a convenient time for you to go away.

You could also just be honest and tell her that you're sorry that she's miserable and you don't know how to help her, so maybe she should find a counselor or therapist who is trained to advise in these types of situations.

Good luck!

agree, she needs to find an impartial therapist...and you need to tell her that you no longer can listen to her marital issues. if you're a true friend, she needs your honesty about that

You are a good friend, but you cant fix her problem. Only she and her husband can. Don't put your relationship in second place over this. No you aren't selfish but it doesnt make it easier for you. Sorry you're in this position.

Her husband had an affair and she wants to go out of town and leave him alone all weekend? HMMMMmmmmmmm........ Is there something wrong with this picture?

If the guys do something one night, I would just invite her over for a girls night and specify that nothing serious can be discussed - fun zone only. Chick flicks, drinks, munchies, general silliness. She needs to get away in more ways than one - and complaining for an entire weekend instead of focusing on having fun will not help her.

You're not being selfish, your friend is. Tell her to throw herself a pity party. She has a few options: 1) Have an affair of her own; 2) Seek couples therapy; 3) Discuss an open marriage with her husband.

She's having trust issues and until she deals with those directly, she won't be happy. What the heck is the point of staying in a relationship if it makes you miserable? Is she financially dependent on him?

I agree with Bacon Boy - do not let her drag you down. I started avoiding certain people because you could NOT ask "how are you?" without the ensuing "woe is me" dialogue. Everyone has problems - especially nowadays. It is not fair to you that she keeps dumping on you.

The turning point in healing for my parents (my dad did the same as your friend's husband) was when she quit telling me her issues and started telling a therapist - with my dad present.

Her healing began when she started telling a third party and stopped trying to get me to solve her problems (her words).

Nudge your friend to seek help. You may need to be firm about it. Good luck.

My Aunt was having marital difficulties. When she would go visit the family at my grandparents house and start complaining about her hubby, my grandmother would tell her to be quiet. Grandmother told her that if she wasn't willing to do something about the situation other than complain, then not to discuss it in her presence. That ended that conversation. As long as she has you to complain to, that's all she'll do instead of seeking the help she truely needs. Just how long will this marriage last that they are "trying" to rebuild if she continues to dwell on this without dealing with it directly?

Sometimes, if you truely care about someone, you have to be tough and not give them what they think they want.

If you made her promise to make it a girl's weekend with no mention of her marital issues or other negative things, woudl you still rather stay hoem with your hubby?

Would you enjoy doing what she is asking if she agreed to not talk about the past and just enjoy the weekend?

If so, be the driver. Tell her you'll agree to go as long as it is a FUN weekend. No complaints about the spouses, no Debbie Downer, just fun and enjoying the weekend. Tell her if she starts talking about her husband's affair during "girls weekend", you'll go home, and make sure she knows you're serious!

Go on the weekend, have her lay on the couch while you sit in a chair. When she's done crying and whining, tell her to go visit mamby pamby land and then throw some tissues at her like the commercial.





But seriously, I agree with everyone else. She needs to do something about it besides whining ( I hate whiners, I actually yell at my friends to suck it up and stop acting like a pansy). If she's unhappy, leave, if it's worth it, go to counseling what does whining do but drag everything out, I understand the initial shock and confusion and a few days of "what am I supposed to do now" but if this is all she's talking about and all she wants to talk about, she needs counseling no matter what she decides to do.

I don't think you are being selfish. I have a half sister who is 23 years older than me. She has been in an unhappy marriage for 40 years and does nothing but complain and whine about it. About 10 years ago I told her I did not want to hear about it anymore. I told her to either do something about it or stop talking about it. We did not talk much the first year but after she realized I was serious when I told her I did not want to hear about it she stopped talking to me about it.

I later found out that I am not the only member of the family that that position.

Then give her your bill, and make her realize that you are not a therapist, but that she does need to see one.

I listened to my mom whine for years. It kept me upset all of the time. Finally, one day I had enough and told her that while I loved her dearly, I could no longer be her shoulder to cry on. I told her if she was ever ready to really do something about her situation, she and my siblings could come to my house until she made her plans. I'm sure it upset her, but she changed her conversation after that.

A few months later, after 28 years of marriage, she finally left my dad. I know it was hard and I know she still loved him, but it was one of the best things she ever did for the kids and for herself. They finally got out of an abusive situation and had the freedom to have lives.

I had to tell one of my besties that if they're unhappy, the only person who can change it is them - and no one wants to listen to them whine all the time. She didn't speak to me for a few weeks, but she got over it, and I haven't heard a peep of whining since then =P

What's the news with your friend? And did you go out with your husband that weekend?

Whew! I was expecting a different 'am I selfish' here.

Will your friend share her ham recipe?

Wrong friend, Boo.

Ooops my bad!

But maybe she has a good ham recipe anyway.

Guess Kat isn't around