I sympathize with you. I wouldn't want and don't like when family of family of in-laws show up at my family's event, without an invitation.

Eh, I disagree with Happy, Aggs and pretty much everyone else regarding this and totally understand where you're at and why you're requesting a day without the other grandmother.

I don't think you're wrong to request ONE time. A possible approach would be to talk directly to the other grandmother and explain to her your perspective and ask her if she minded not coming one Christmas. Maybe being honest and direct would work and alleviate the potential ill will.

Going Insane: you sound a lot like my mom. She means well, and most of the time is a very sweet, reasonable person - but she is strangely jealous about holidays. Her "us vs them" attitude over the years has resulted in my sister (with her hubby and 3 kids) avoiding holiday visits altogether and my hubby and I having to alternate years between his family and mine. It is an ongoing point of stress/strife for all of us.

I know you want to have your family to yourself on the holiday, but I would suggest putting yourself in your son/DIL's shoes for just a moment as you consider making this request.

Another question you need to ask yourself is, what position are you putting your son in?

With my situation, my parents can get along with anyboby in the world, by my MIL makes it very difficult for them. THough I try not to burden my parents with my own issues with my MIL (and that's really hard) we tend to all suck it up when it comes to cetain occasions, especially B-days. Now like I said early I split Christmas up this year and it was tough and my MIL still gave me a hard time.

But going back to your son, he's getting stuck between a rock and a hard place. He sympathizes with you, his mother, but he also has to support his wife or then they are going to have problems, especially because her mother lives with them.

I would just ask to spend some time with grandkids only and have a blast with them whenever you spend time with them.

GI has shared this holiday for 10 years now; why should she not get ONE with just her being the only grandmother?

Why is that strangely jealous?

I was referring to my mom, MB. I don't know Insane at all, let alone well enough to speculate on her personality. I merely took her description and compared it to the closest situation I have personal experience with.

gotcha

My situation may have been different than most as a kid (one grandmother lived very nearby, the other halfway across the country), but i always enjoyed being around one of them at a time instead of both together.

I agree it's a sticky situation and a tough call. My first post was in reference to family picnics and get-togethers where in-laws (who are invited) invite their own extended family as well. Not cool in my book.

My Son agrees with me, he does not feel he is in a tight spot. My older Grandchildren have asked why she always has to come to all our family functions and my Daughters think it's kind of wierd that she is always with. And yes I think it is wonderful to have both Grandmas together occasionally but not for every single one of my family functions. My DIL's mother is not my family, she is equal to an aquaitence or friend and I would not want them at every single one of my family functions. If I want to spend time alone with my daughter and Daughter-in-Law she comes with. She is always there, I just want ONE day. I don't intrude when they go play BINGO together, or they have their Family get together with her Mom brothers and sisters.

FWIW.....Going insane, I agree with you and I think she should respect your feelings seeing as she IS with your son's family every single day AND gets to celebrate with them on her own. It's only fair that you should have the same consideration, and it's not like she was never welcome to accompany them ever again. Someone needs to get a grip, but unfortunately you know that is never going to happen.

I wish you the best of luck in trying to come to some resolve of the situation.

Selfish or not, I think that you should have discussed this with your son's mother in law yourself and left him and your daughter in law out of it. Whether they think so or not, you have put them in a bad spot and opened the door to unnecessary conflict between them and between you and your daughter in law.

I'm an only child, and if my wife's large family had not welcomed my mom and dad on every holiday, they would have had nowhere to go. They spent every Christmas with my wife's family, and there was never a hint of jealously from my mother-in-law. My parent were always treated as family, not acquaintances.

::like, KFitz::

Just because it doesn't relate you by blood, marriage creates an extended family. And in my book, family is family.

This is why I go to Vegas for the holidays.

Maybe you should start


but seriously, I agree with Happy. I am sure you can find another day to be "special" with the g-kids.

If it is that important to you, take the other g-ma out to dinner and explain your feelings, don't put it onto you son or dil to deliver the message.

i just don't get it, holidays are meant to be spent with family, the more, the merrier. For Christmas this year, we had over 30 people at our house. My SIL's mother/father inlaw came, as did one of their other kids and his wife. My other SILs own SIL came with her family. so, for 2 sets of the grandkids in the family, they had both sets of grandparents there. It gets loud, it gets hectic, more food is consumed than was previously thought possible, and lets not even talk about the amount of alcohol. Later in the evening, 2 different sets of cousins and one aunt/uncle all dropped by with their families, pushing the numbers to close to 50. What a hoot...

One Christmas several years back, we low keyed it with immediate family only, and everyone agreed that was not the way to go, back to the "everyone is welcome" and that is what we enjoy.

But, ultimately you have to decide if it is worth posisbly alienating your DIL and her mother to achieve you personal time with your grandkids. As they said in The Last Crusade...choose wisely.

She may not be YOUR family, but she is a part of your son's family. I agree with the other posters that you should arrange other occasions to have the grandkids with you, and learn to like having extra people around on holidays. Life's too short to worry about small things like this.

I'm with AG on this one...

Thank you Bowling Queen.

To answer another question.. Since she is with them 365 24/7 and has her family Christmas I honestly didn't think it would be a big deal other than a little hurt feelings. And as I said My DIL was fine with it and totally understood she said she does not want her always going with her either that she needs a break once in awhile. And all of a sudden she did a 360 and refused to come up to be with us and her Son from a previous relationship (he calls me Grandma) she refused to let him come also. My Son brought up the two kids they have together. I do try to take my grandkids as much as I can but I have another business and I have 11 other Grandchildren to make room for.

except the crazy ones. they don't get invites to family functions!

Holy cow - with 13 grandkids I would think you'd be happy for the extra adult just to help referee.

Has [censored] frozen over?

Going insane, it sounds like you've pretty much made up your mind that your request is not selfish and you don't see why it would be a big deal to your DIL and her mom. That's fine. But you did ask for opinions, right? So take each one into consideration and go from there.

I can't stand my MIL, but I love my husband and I know it would break his heart if his mom was alone on special occassions (which, if it weren't for us, she would be). So I suck it up. Plus it helps that my daughter adores her grandmother. My parents also can't stand my MIL, but many times we celebrate holidays together and they don't make it a big deal. Sometimes, getting what YOU want is not worth the hassle and hurt it creates.