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#1495554 - 01/14/11 05:15 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish Aggs
Snow Bunny Offline
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GoingInsane - did you say that you're home by yourself on Christmas day? None of your children invite you over?

Maybe you should just pop in on them.
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#1495557 - 01/14/11 05:16 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish Snow Bunny
Aggs Offline
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Originally Posted By: Chilly
GoingInsane - did you say that you're home by yourself on Christmas day? None of your children invite you over?


Yeah, that's a separate issue altogether, I think...
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#1495559 - 01/14/11 05:18 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish Aggs
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Oh believe me I am always putting myself on the back burner and sucking things up. Just once I would like somebody to care about how I feel. Like I said I was at home alone when they were having their Christmas. They have their time alone together, they say they are bringing the kids up to visit. She comes with, I can't go there because she is there, she live there.

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#1495560 - 01/14/11 05:19 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish Aggs
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Well said, Aggs.

When my brother was married, his MIL was always included in our holiday get-togethers. MIL did not live with them, but she had no other family to be with. I didn't like his wife (now ex) or his MIL much, but they were considered family because they were HIS family.

How old are the grand kids? There are only a limited number of years that the kids will be around with the extneded family anyway.

Sometimes you just have to suck it up.
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#1495562 - 01/14/11 05:19 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish HappyGilmore
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I'm not in your position, but I know someone just like this so I've seen it up close, and I totally sympathize with you. Although I think the Grandma I know is probably even more over the top than your DIL's mom. eek
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#1495567 - 01/14/11 05:23 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish Overboard
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I think you need to sit down with your son and DIL and speak to them about this honestly and openly. Let them know you need so one on one time with the grandchildren. If they say no, there's nothing you can do. If you push it, you're going to alienate them.

As for the other grandmother bringing her family to the family picnic - Where is it held? Did the host invite them? If not, make sure that this summer she knows they are not invited.

My FIL lived only a mile from us and my MIL died many years ago. He pretty much went everywhere with us to the point that I got tired of it. When that happened, hubby was smart enough not to push it.
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#1495569 - 01/14/11 05:24 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish Overboard
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Yes as I said I was by myself on Christmas, I have my Christmas on a separate day so they are all able to make it home. If I have it on Christmas day it's to hard to make it to the husbands side and the wifes side and spend any quality time. I don't feel put out that I am not asked to go to my Daughters mother and Father in laws celebration, it never occured to me it was my place to be there.

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#1495577 - 01/14/11 05:29 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish Overboard
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The family picnic is at my house and there are already 65 people there with my sisters brothers and nieces and nephews. No she did not call and ask. She figures they are family.

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#1495586 - 01/14/11 05:35 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish Overboard
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Gong back to the first post

I have Christmas on a different day so all my kids and grankids can make it home without having to rush to so many places on the 25th so I requested she not come to my house on the day I have Christmas,

Other Grandma is not being asked to stay home Christmas.

That being said I had 25 people at my house for Christmas and none (other than wife and daugher) were "family" and it is not mine or my wifes holiday. We have been doing this for the past 5 years and now all can be considered family.
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#1495589 - 01/14/11 05:36 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish Overboard
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Well it sounds like you going to have a discussion with your son, DIL and MIL. Since she always around anyways. From what you said, your DIL did a 360 about Christmas so there an issue has begun. I'm not saying you are in the wrong, you have the right to feel how you feel. But the family functions isue has been going on for so many years, it doesn't seem like that is going change without major upset. In regards to other people showing up to your family function, I would definetly have an issue with that. Actually, I have and said something about to my husband and it has not happened again.

I wish you the best of luck.
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#1495592 - 01/14/11 05:38 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish A_G
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Some families' dynamic fits with the "more the merrier" environment. Some, however, do not and a more low-key quaint function is more comfortable to them.

I personally would feel wrong just showing up to someone else's holiday gathering essentially uninvited by the host. I would have to respect their reasoning for why I wasn't invited.

In years past, I have had their entire boat-load of family over to my house and EVERYONE was always invited. Some chose NOT to attend and that's their choice. But if I just wanted to have quiet time with each of my parents, separate from the "IL's", then that's a decision between me and the MOML. Period.
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#1495594 - 01/14/11 05:43 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish BowlingQueen
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Thank you

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#1495600 - 01/14/11 05:48 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish Aggs
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Going insane, I have not read every post here, but did you day that you live in the same area? And does this involve just coming to your house and then returning home the same day?

Also, does she act as another guest in your home or is she actually competing with you for Grandma attention?
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#1495608 - 01/14/11 05:56 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish Overboard
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You keep saying your DIL's mom isn't "your" family. Got news for you... she is your family from the moment your son said his wedding vows! Once your kids (or brothers or sisters) get married, their new in-laws become part of your family, like it or not. Why the hostility and confrontation? You bend over backwards saying you have no problem with this woman and you get along fine. Ok, so why is it such a big deal if she comes along to holiday celebrations, then? Sounds a tad selfish to me, yes.

My family is of the "more the merrier" mentality and I'm used to having non-blood-related people join us. Some of our best holidays have been when we open our home and hearts to non-blood-relatives and share the holiday with them. I guess it's all in how you choose to react, but I find it puzzling why you want to add stress to your son's life and make them choose. I'd view this as an opportunity to allow your grandkids to have this really special time with both grandmothers, and then have your own alone time with your grandkids on some non-holiday time of year. If time is short, then have all of your grandkids over at once some weekend you're free (and please include your DIL's child from a previous relationship along with your 2 "blood" grandkids that are your sons biological children). Bake cookies, watch cartoons, make a giant nest on the floor with sleeping bags and let the kids stay up late and enjoy their siblings and cousins. Believe me, they will treasure those memories. smile Good luck and enjoy those kids! They grow up wayyyy too fast.
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#1495609 - 01/14/11 05:57 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish Overboard
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Originally Posted By: Going insane
They do have their Christmas together on Christmas day, I am at home by myself watching television.


FWIW,
I am sorry you were alone on Christmas.

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#1495613 - 01/14/11 06:02 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish BowlingQueen
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Originally Posted By: BowlingQueen
a more low-key quaint function is more comfortable to them.


With 14 grandchildren and multiple children/spouses already in attendance, it sounds like this event is anything but low-key. So what's one more adult?
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#1495617 - 01/14/11 06:02 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish SMQ, CRCM
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I am close enough that they could come up and return on the same day. She is not really competing for Grandma attention, but since she lives with them and she is with them all the time it is only natural for them to go to her first for things such as a treat or a glass of juice, it makes me feel as if I am a guest in my own home. I am not jealous, I would have loved to have had my Grandma living with me and she is a good Grandma, I just want my Grandma time also.

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#1495621 - 01/14/11 06:08 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish Overboard
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Originally Posted By: Going insane
But when my grandkids wake up in the morning and come running to grandma, I want them running to me and not have her say come here to grandma, she has the mornings all the rest of the year.


Jealous much?

You should probably take the advice you've chosen to ignore and have your grandchildren over to spend some time with them sans the parents & grandmother. Is it seriously worth pushing if it's going to cause issues with your DIL & her mother?

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#1495623 - 01/14/11 06:09 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish Ops
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Why not do a brunch with the kids nd let them go home and do their Xmas stuff?
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#1495625 - 01/14/11 06:10 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish Overboard
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I have always included my DIL's son from a previous relationship as one of my grandchildren. He calls me Grandma and is included with the Grandchildren count when I tell people how many I have. And I am usually of the mind set that the more the merrier. When they bring the kids up she comes with. That is what I am trying to say if they come up for a weekend to visit she comes with. She is always there, put aside holidays she is always with.

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#1495626 - 01/14/11 06:10 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish BowlingQueen
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Originally Posted By: BowlingQueen
Some families' dynamic fits with the "more the merrier" environment. Some, however, do not and a more low-key quaint function is more comfortable to them.

I personally would feel wrong just showing up to someone else's holiday gathering essentially uninvited by the host. I would have to respect their reasoning for why I wasn't invited.

In years past, I have had their entire boat-load of family over to my house and EVERYONE was always invited. Some chose NOT to attend and that's their choice. But if I just wanted to have quiet time with each of my parents, separate from the "IL's", then that's a decision between me and the MOML. Period.


Well stated.
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#1495629 - 01/14/11 06:14 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish Overboard
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I think a better title for this thread would have been "Tell me I am not being selfish" because I think that's what you are looking for. You say you are not jealous of Grandma 2, but what you describe sounds a bit like jealousy and honestly who wouldn't be - she gets to spend way more time with them.

I will repeat that I think that you should have talked this over with her yourself and not put your son and his wife in the middle. I can tell you for a fact (from experience) that loading the kids up without his wife to come to your celebration was very difficult for him regardless of what he might say. And I am sure the kids are wondering why mom and Grandma 2 and their step brother weren't coming along. Seems like a lot of peoples feelings were stepped on in order for you to get what you wanted.
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#1495636 - 01/14/11 06:18 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish thomasj
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Here's some food for thought: why do you have a problem with DIL's mother at family functions, but not her son?

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#1495640 - 01/14/11 06:19 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish MB Guy
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I didn't read all of the posts here either but can't you arrange for a weekend, occsionally with the grandkids so that you are the only G-Ma?

IMO, a holiday celebration should be shared with all, unless there is some sort of underlying problem.

How would you feel if the other G-Ma had a big celebration and everyone was invited besides you? Be thankful that she tries to be a part of the family instead of polarizing it and trying to keep everyone away from you. I've seen families where the grandparents were insanley jealous of the other grandparents and did not ever have gatherings where they were both present. It causes a lot of family strife, hard feelings and puts your children and grandchildren in an awfully uncomfortable spot.
Last edited by Boatn Shasta; 01/14/11 06:21 PM.
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#1495644 - 01/14/11 06:21 PM Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish bOaty
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Here's some food for thought: why do you have a problem with DIL's mother at family functions, but not her son?

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