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#1495469 - 01/14/11 04:20 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
Aggs
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 9,105
OK
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I sympathize with you. I wouldn't want and don't like when family of family of in-laws show up at my family's event, without an invitation.
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#1495470 - 01/14/11 04:21 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
A_G
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10K Club
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 10,124
Way, way south.
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Eh, I disagree with Happy, Aggs and pretty much everyone else regarding this and totally understand where you're at and why you're requesting a day without the other grandmother.
I don't think you're wrong to request ONE time. A possible approach would be to talk directly to the other grandmother and explain to her your perspective and ask her if she minded not coming one Christmas. Maybe being honest and direct would work and alleviate the potential ill will.
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#1495473 - 01/14/11 04:22 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
MB Guy
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#1495476 - 01/14/11 04:23 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
Aggs
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Power Poster
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 5,249
out of the frying pan...
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Going Insane: you sound a lot like my mom. She means well, and most of the time is a very sweet, reasonable person - but she is strangely jealous about holidays. Her "us vs them" attitude over the years has resulted in my sister (with her hubby and 3 kids) avoiding holiday visits altogether and my hubby and I having to alternate years between his family and mine. It is an ongoing point of stress/strife for all of us.
I know you want to have your family to yourself on the holiday, but I would suggest putting yourself in your son/DIL's shoes for just a moment as you consider making this request.
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#1495479 - 01/14/11 04:27 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
raitchjay
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 204
Fl
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Another question you need to ask yourself is, what position are you putting your son in?
With my situation, my parents can get along with anyboby in the world, by my MIL makes it very difficult for them. THough I try not to burden my parents with my own issues with my MIL (and that's really hard) we tend to all suck it up when it comes to cetain occasions, especially B-days. Now like I said early I split Christmas up this year and it was tough and my MIL still gave me a hard time.
But going back to your son, he's getting stuck between a rock and a hard place. He sympathizes with you, his mother, but he also has to support his wife or then they are going to have problems, especially because her mother lives with them.
I would just ask to spend some time with grandkids only and have a blast with them whenever you spend time with them.
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#1495481 - 01/14/11 04:28 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
RR Becca
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Way, way south.
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Going Insane: you sound a lot like my mom. She means well, and most of the time is a very sweet, reasonable person - but she is strangely jealous about holidays. GI has shared this holiday for 10 years now; why should she not get ONE with just her being the only grandmother? Why is that strangely jealous?
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#1495482 - 01/14/11 04:29 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
MB Guy
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 5,249
out of the frying pan...
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I was referring to my mom, MB. I don't know Insane at all, let alone well enough to speculate on her personality. I merely took her description and compared it to the closest situation I have personal experience with.
Last edited by RR Becca; 01/14/11 04:30 PM. Reason: explain further
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#1495486 - 01/14/11 04:31 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
RR Becca
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10K Club
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 10,124
Way, way south.
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gotcha
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#1495488 - 01/14/11 04:31 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
RR Becca
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OK
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My situation may have been different than most as a kid (one grandmother lived very nearby, the other halfway across the country), but i always enjoyed being around one of them at a time instead of both together.
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#1495493 - 01/14/11 04:34 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
raitchjay
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 9,105
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I agree it's a sticky situation and a tough call. My first post was in reference to family picnics and get-togethers where in-laws (who are invited) invite their own extended family as well. Not cool in my book.
Last edited by raitchjay; 01/14/11 04:37 PM. Reason: add the word "extended"
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#1495523 - 01/14/11 04:52 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
Overboard
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Posts: 2,920
Wisconsin
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FWIW.....Going insane, I agree with you and I think she should respect your feelings seeing as she IS with your son's family every single day AND gets to celebrate with them on her own. It's only fair that you should have the same consideration, and it's not like she was never welcome to accompany them ever again. Someone needs to get a grip, but unfortunately you know that is never going to happen.
I wish you the best of luck in trying to come to some resolve of the situation.
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#1495525 - 01/14/11 04:53 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
Overboard
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Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 5,063
Pennsylvania
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Selfish or not, I think that you should have discussed this with your son's mother in law yourself and left him and your daughter in law out of it. Whether they think so or not, you have put them in a bad spot and opened the door to unnecessary conflict between them and between you and your daughter in law.
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#1495527 - 01/14/11 04:55 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
Overboard
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 960
Illinois
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I'm an only child, and if my wife's large family had not welcomed my mom and dad on every holiday, they would have had nowhere to go. They spent every Christmas with my wife's family, and there was never a hint of jealously from my mother-in-law. My parent were always treated as family, not acquaintances.
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#1495529 - 01/14/11 04:57 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
MyBrainHurts
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::like, KFitz::
Just because it doesn't relate you by blood, marriage creates an extended family. And in my book, family is family.
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#1495532 - 01/14/11 04:59 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
A_G
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 14,390
Cheeseheadland
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This is why I go to Vegas for the holidays.
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#1495533 - 01/14/11 04:59 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
Overboard
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Power Poster
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,132
Somewhere in the middle
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I don't intrude when they go play BINGO together, or they have their Family get together with her Mom brothers and sisters. Maybe you should start but seriously, I agree with Happy. I am sure you can find another day to be "special" with the g-kids. If it is that important to you, take the other g-ma out to dinner and explain your feelings, don't put it onto you son or dil to deliver the message.
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#1495535 - 01/14/11 05:01 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
thomasj
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Posts: 19,855
Pulling people out of the ditc...
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i just don't get it, holidays are meant to be spent with family, the more, the merrier. For Christmas this year, we had over 30 people at our house. My SIL's mother/father inlaw came, as did one of their other kids and his wife. My other SILs own SIL came with her family. so, for 2 sets of the grandkids in the family, they had both sets of grandparents there. It gets loud, it gets hectic, more food is consumed than was previously thought possible, and lets not even talk about the amount of alcohol. Later in the evening, 2 different sets of cousins and one aunt/uncle all dropped by with their families, pushing the numbers to close to 50. What a hoot...
One Christmas several years back, we low keyed it with immediate family only, and everyone agreed that was not the way to go, back to the "everyone is welcome" and that is what we enjoy.
But, ultimately you have to decide if it is worth posisbly alienating your DIL and her mother to achieve you personal time with your grandkids. As they said in The Last Crusade...choose wisely.
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#1495542 - 01/14/11 05:06 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
MyBrainHurts
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Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 2,355
The O.C., California
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She may not be YOUR family, but she is a part of your son's family. I agree with the other posters that you should arrange other occasions to have the grandkids with you, and learn to like having extra people around on holidays. Life's too short to worry about small things like this.
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#1495543 - 01/14/11 05:06 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
A_G
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10K Club
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 19,855
Pulling people out of the ditc...
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::like, KFitz::
Just because it doesn't relate you by blood, marriage creates an extended family. And in my book, family is family. I'm with AG on this one...
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#1495546 - 01/14/11 05:08 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
HappyGilmore
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::like, KFitz::
Just because it doesn't relate you by blood, marriage creates an extended family. And in my book, family is family. I'm with AG on this one... except the crazy ones. they don't get invites to family functions!
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#1495550 - 01/14/11 05:12 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
HappyGilmore
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,141
In the Snow :)
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::like, KFitz::
Just because it doesn't relate you by blood, marriage creates an extended family. And in my book, family is family. I'm with AG on this one... Has [censored] frozen over?
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#1495552 - 01/14/11 05:13 PM
Re: Please tell me if I am being selfish
A_G
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Diamond Poster
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,331
Hoosier Country
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Going insane, it sounds like you've pretty much made up your mind that your request is not selfish and you don't see why it would be a big deal to your DIL and her mom. That's fine. But you did ask for opinions, right? So take each one into consideration and go from there. I can't stand my MIL, but I love my husband and I know it would break his heart if his mom was alone on special occassions (which, if it weren't for us, she would be). So I suck it up. Plus it helps that my daughter adores her grandmother. My parents also can't stand my MIL, but many times we celebrate holidays together and they don't make it a big deal. Sometimes, getting what YOU want is not worth the hassle and hurt it creates.
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