I look at my niece and nephew and envy them the time they spend with my parents and my BIL's parents. I think they are so lucky.

Well said, AG.

My father has also passed away and my mother come with me to all her sides family functions. But she does not come to my husbands side of the family functions.

I don't think you are being selfish at all. My wife likes her parents to have their time with our kids, sans my parents, and I'm OK with that. And my parents don't live with us. She is with them all of the time, you should have your time if that's what you want. Especially if it is at your house and you are going to all of the trouble, cooking and cleaning. It's not like you're asking for your own time with the kids at their house. If anything it is a little rude that she comes uninvited, espcially if you aren't invited to thier house on Christmas Day.

So, what I am getting from this, GI, is that you asked a question and were given several different perspectives on why we think it is or is not selfish of you to want this woman there.

After all that, YOU. DON'T. WANT. HER. THERE. And that is okay. But you need to tell her and/or your son that, and move on. You are going to make yourself sick thinking about it. Perhaps thomasj had the right answer.

But none of us will be changing your mind, so you need to do something about your situation and move forward knowing that you made the right one for you.

Wanna talk about selfish:

When I was younger, I was spending the night at grandparents' A house. Well, they wouldn't let me do something that I wanted to do, so I called grandparents' B to come pick me up so I could stay there (wihtout A knowing I was calling)...

And they did!

Now that's love!

This makes me thankful for my MIL. She doesn't care who's at her house when, even if it's unannounced. If I showed up at her house at 1:00 in the morning, she wouldn't care at all. I've taken my parents, my siblings, my friends, my dog.. and she was happy to see all of them.

Now if only she wouldn't talk so freakin much.

Sounds like my grandma ops.

It's only her and and g-pa in the house, yet she cooks for about 6 every night "just in case" someone stops over!

LOL.. definitely like MIL. And she has been known to make hamburgers, brownies, and sausage biscuits at 1:00 in the morning.

And you better never stop with a full stomach, because dammit all she will get you to eat something!

And if you don't say something is really good about ten times and keep saying mmmm mmmm, she thinks it's a bad batch and she'll do better next time!

I'm a grand-orphan!!

My Nana will take you!

She's the best Nana in the world!! But be prepared to eat and get slipped $20 when grandpa's not looking.

I don't think you're being selfish. I'm an introvert who does better in small groups than big crowds - while I love the times when my family can be together, I desparately need time one-on-one or in smaller groups to actually feel close. My side of the family is all like that and we draw some pretty clear boundaries. In fact, my parents lived in the same town as my brother and his family, and my mom would make a point of not going over if she knew the other grandma, who wasn't local and couldn't see them as often, would be there.

My inlaws are the other way - the "why can't we all be together all the time" type. It's really hard to explain to them, without their feelings getting hurt, that you can't be together all the time. My husband just gave up and moved far away, because it was the only way he could keep from being smothered. As a practical matter, you might have had more success if you had put your foot down at a non-holiday time; but the simple fact that you've only asked for one day, and it wasn't even Christmas, seems to me that your feelings should have been respected.

Do you have to hear about who is sick or died while you're there, too?

It goes beyond that. I have to hear about what all the cousins are up to - even though we hang out regularly. She likes to "gossip" about things that are no secret!

so she's the one responsible for this coming food shortage that scientists are predicting? tell her thanks from all of the starving chillins in Africa...

I tell her! She says, "what do you want me to do, mail them the leftovers?"

YAY!!!

Tell Nana and Grandpa I'll be there this weekend!!

I bet your nana & my mil could talk the paint off the walls (and have a fantastic time doing it).

I love leftovers! Send them my way.

Okay, but you have to use the money for gas money or food only! "Don't be blowing it at the bar or buying cigarettes with it! That's not its purpose!"

That's so awesome, Ops!

This past Christmas I invited my COUSIN'S mother-in-law, father-in-law, and 2 brothers-in-law (along with the one BIL's fiancee whom I had never met) to come for dinner at my house, when I was already cooking and cleaning for over 30 people, because they had nowhere else to go (the relative they usually were with was going to be out of town). They opted to stay home just the 5 of them, and that's fine, but I couldn't bear the thought of them not being included in a big holiday celebration, so I figured what the heck... I barely know these people, but what's 5 more, might be fun! In years past, various relatives have brought along neighbors who might otherwise be home alone on Christmas, people they've met at soup kitchens, exchange students, and all sorts of other strays. We've had a blast with all of them, and I have a few really lovely thank you notes in my drawer that I take out and read year after year to remind me what Christmas really is about when I'm feeling caught up in the commercialism garbage.

In September, as many of you know, my mom had a terrible accident with a resultant traumatic brain injury. We are lucky to have my mom with us at all and this past Thanksgiving and Christmas were very tough but also very wonderful for me. I let go of all of what I want and focused totally on what she wanted. She'll never be the same as she was, but she has a crack at a fairly good recovery although it's going really slowly. None of us know how much time we have and how much of that time will be quality time. I don't want to be toooooo preachy, but it's a great thing and tremendously freeing to learn to let go of some of the petty stuff in life and remember what's truly important. Maybe talking some of this over with someone, Going Insane, would help. Sounds like Christmas wasn't the first confrontational situation, since you recount the Thanksgiving/vacation thing. Hope you can work it out.

Trust me. They get sent my way plenty!

I make sure of that!

I can't make it this weekend, please have Nana send me the $20 at either home or work address...thanks

I promise, Nana!!!