Then you need to stop giving yourself a pity party, lady. You want your cake and to eat it too, then complain the baker isn't makiing it right. It's been suggested multiple times you arrange a grandkids-only event but you're so hung up on being proven unselfish you evidently haven't heeded that advice. And for that, you are selfish. You chose to sit at home alone on Christmas Day, and now that the invitation is finally on the board the only suggestion I can offer is to get over yourself and move on.

FWIW, people aren't attacking you for your stance on this issue. They're expressing their opinion and frustration with how this situation is being handled.

::a round of applause for BaBo!::

Well Said!

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer for this. I guess it depends on the traditions you were brought up with. I am not against everybody getting together as one big happy group on occasion I just don't feel like it should be all occasions. It would be a totally different if she didn't live with them and lived out of town so she only got to see them once or twice a year. Then I of course wouldn't mind her being there so she could spend as much time as she possibly could with them, but she is with them 365 days a year.

So long as you continue to look at it this way, you're always going to be regarded as selfish. So what if she sees the grandchildren every day? She lives with them. Are you going to arrange to move in with your son to snuff this jealousy flame you're carrying around?

Don't ask for advice/feedback/input if you're unwilling to listen to it.

Actually, we should have known better from the title of the thread.

And with that, I'm bowing out because, as BB so succinctly pointed out, my words are falling on deaf ears since I cannot acquiess with the original poster's request to agree she's not being selfish.

It is my Son inviting me, not the DIL or other Grandmother. I am sure she does not want me intruding on her. This year I had my family get together on Jan 8th to accomodate everyone. Because if I did have it on Christmas day (and since I like to have them separate) the other in-laws would never change their day and it is to hard for the kids to run so many places in one day, (I am 2 hours away). I have 4 other children and their Mother and Father in-laws (who I also get along with very well) would never expect to be invited.

But they don't live with your children.

GI - you don't know if your DIL or her mother would mind you being there or not. Most likely not. I never minded my in-laws being at our house all of the time.

I think you have made up your mind. I also think that it would be good for you to have someone to talk to about this - no matter what the outcome would be. Maybe a pastor, or a counselor. This weighs heavy on you, no matter what you say. You need to talk it out with someone who is objective. But saying that, you also need to be able to listen to what they say.

GI, I can understand where you're coming from, but you commented that you've been invited for Christmas and didn't want to intrude on the MIL's time. But you appear to be assuming it would be an intrusion without knowing for certain if that is the case and you're expecting the MIL to think the same way you do. Believe me I understand, it was hard to get my parents to go anywhere - they always felt like they were "intruding". Even at the hospital when their great-granddaughter was born. I could tell my mother was dying to hold the baby but she said she would wait until they came home from the hospital - she was putting everyone else ahead of her. It was the other grandmother's first grandchild and my 2nd. She did not hold the baby until about a week later. I for one do not like a lot of people at my house but that could be because my son constantly has friends coming over and I am a homebody. Our tradition has always been to get together at my parents' house on Christmas Eve and then each family does their own thing on Christmas Day (whether it is visiting their in-laws or just staying home).

Another point...she LIVES with them, so they are a household. Seems mean to invite only PART of a hosuehold. That's even worse than if she lived on her own.

In no way am I trying to hurt anybody or be mean. My other Children and Granchildren are uncomfortable with her always being at everything.
My DIL is an only child and they have lived together their entire life. She has never worked first it was her daughter taking care of her and now my Son (which I give him a great deal of credit for). Personally I think it is time for her to woman up and do something on her own for a change, she is not physically disabled and is the same age as me. If she would go out and make some friends and she does have her own Christmas with her family (she does have her own family) maybe she would not feel that she has to always be apart of mine. I know this does sound kind of mean but it is the truth. My kids and I are very close and feel it is an intrusion when she is there all the time. Sometimes we would like to talk about personal family business that is none of her business. Ok everybody let me have it.

I don't see what the point of re-hashing it is.

You feel the way you do, some agree some don't, your mind is made up.

I'm a little ashamed of myself because I keep coming in here to look.

I think your DIL's mother is the one that sounds selfish. It would be different if you and her got along great or were best friends, etc., but that obviously isn't the case. Like i said earlier, (and like you addressed as well GI) the fact that my brother or sister marries somebody doesn't mean the rest of the family "marries" their in laws entire family. I have in-laws to deal with. My brother has in-laws to deal with. Same for my sisters. Everybody has in-laws to deal with. Doesn't mean we force our in-laws on other members of the family on family occasions. If that is your particular family's idea of a good time, again, more power to you, but it's not everybody's.

I think the vast majority of us have given up, Gi. You may want to go back and review the past nine pages where others have offered constructive advice only to have any comment that didn't side with your POV shot down. Now it's just a few frustrated stragglers attempting to reiterate their side.

Maybe you would be better served by talking about this with your family and not here?

It doesn't seem to solve much and seems to be a lot of effort to keep arguing with people that don't matter in your life anyway.

You say your other children don't really want her at all family functions. Have they said anything to their brother?

Actually my other children brought it up to me before I even said anything, and as I said I had been trying to figure out a nice way of asking for some time now without hurting anybody's feelings. So yes he is aware of their feelings. I really didn't think it was a big deal, if the shoe was on the other foot I would totally understand.

Maybe your other children should say something to him so that it doesn't appear to be just you feeling this way? You said she does have other family because she's brought them along to your family's functions (uninvited)so it is not as if she is alone in the world.

This advice is huge concerning a number of other threads.

Please remain on topic.



Or maybe she should grow some & speak up herself.

I brought it up over a year ago.

To the wrong person. Do your own dirty work.

I wanted to discuss it with my son first, it was his idea to talk to them not mine.

Ahhh, but in the end the reality is that you have. Intentional or not, you have hurt people.

Again, you had the opportunity 10 years to nip this in the bud, but you did not.

Your son's family has clearly chosen that for them, they like (accept, tolerate?) a larger blended multisided, multi-generational family... I think it only behooves you to jump on board before they marginalize you any further, as it appears your daughter-in-law is starting to do.

So now today, you have two options: Either continue to feel you are right and have a fractured relationship with your son's family going forward, and most likely risk it continuing to deteriorate with your inlaw, your daughter-in-law and granchildren; or suck it up and make amends and move forward.

Its events like these where we choose to be right rather than better, that break and fracture relationships and seem to be the hardest to repair and put back together when it is all said and done.

::claps for Jay::

I don't see how, after 10 years, you can exclude a member of the family.

Aggs, you have it all wrong.. she's not family!