Yep, like a board game. My 17 yr old went through that. She didn't like all the strict rules of her dual military household, so she embellished some stories about her stepdad....got me all riled up...got me set to talk to attorneys about seeking custody, the whole 9.

After FINALLY getting to talk with her mother about it, it was apparent what was going on.

I nicely told my daughter that the VA court system wouldn't separate the two kids, regardless of her wishes (she was old enough) unless there was a reason for them to believe their lives were in danger.

She calmed down a lot and now has a pretty good relationship with her stepdad.

She's nine and fully capable of comprehending what an attittude is and consequences. How about all three of you (you, hubs, ex) sit down with her and have a talk abotu the attitude and what is expected of her and what the punishment will be if she disobeys or throws an attitude. But also ask her if she is ok and what she needs. The family is a partnership and she should be able to voice her part as well.

I was 10 when my Mom remarried, so I can relate to the adjustment period. It was not pretty at first. Sitting down with everyone sounds like a great idea. Not only will she know that her Dad supports the decisions, she'll know that her Mom is on board with the plan as well.

It would have been a VERY different scenario with my daughter if she'd have known from the outset that, even though Mom and Dad are divorced and Mom is remarried, Mom and Dad are on the same team and will work together.

My parents divorced when I was two, but my step-dad was military and not around much, so it was really just me and my mom for years. From 9-11, at least twice a year, my mom would call my dad and tell him if he didn't come get me she was putting me up for adoption. I don't even remember what I did or what we argued about, but we were constantly at eachothers throats. I think it might be a stage that pre-teens just go through, so good luck Riz! My daughter is nine, and her father and I just got divorced, so we'll see how this works out for me too....

My dad remarried when I was 12, and to this day I have a fantastic relationship with my step-mom, but I honestly can't ever remember a time when she raised her voice to me.

I have a 9 year old & she sounds a lot like yours, Rizzo. Could just be a stage....at least that's what I am hoping for!

9 is the age when the critical thinking skills begin to kick in and they start questioning everything around them. 3rd - 4th grade attitude city. Set the rules and the punishment, be united, be consistent and you'll get thru it. One family I know - the father told his daughter that if she slammed the door one more time, it was coming down and she would have no privacy. Well she put him to the test and lost her door. Just remember - don't make threats you're not willing to follow thru on.

I have a feeling that this weekend is going to be interesting. I'm hoping for the best. She really is a good kid.

My friend regularly locks all "fun" toys, electronics, gadgets, movies, games in a cabinet and strips her kids' rooms down to bare furniture, no TV, no stereo, etc. She and her husband have removed the bedroom door on more than one occasion. Loss of privileges and loss of all privacy usually bring a poor attitude into line pretty quickly.

When my nieces smart-mouth and talk back to me, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I will not tolerate it, and whatever "fun" activities were planned will be immediately canceled. They only pull that nonsense with me 1/100th as much as they do with their parents and both sets of grandparents, because they know idle threats are made (and never followed through) with those 6 adults. I love the girls dearly and that's WHY I stick with rules and consequences. They know 100% of the time what is expected of them and what the consequences will be if they don't do what is expected. I tell them that a thousand times. They may roll their eyes in private, but it works. All kids get mouthy at times, but consistency works with kids of all flavors.

We survived the weekend. Her Dad picked them up and talked some on the way to our house about her getting in trouble at school and being mouthy. She was very understanding. AND...she was pretty much well behaved over the weekend. The only meltdown came from a 1/2 mile hike Saturday. I wouldn't even say hike. Stroll on a paved path....Poor thing thought a drop of sweat was going to make her melt.
Thanks for the advice everyone. It helped me put things in perspective and everything worked out well.

OMG - she sounds like my 12 year old niece. Kassady doesn't like to sweat at all.

Glad things are looking up, Rizz.

Whether they are your or not, it isn't easy. The fact that the mom isn't a lunatic is a plus...

Stand united
Love unconditionally
Learn what to give and what to withhold
When to be gentle, yet firm
Considerate and watchful
Learn to avoid the weakness of indulgence and the excess of severity

and Pray......

Congrats on the wedding....and good luck on the rearing of kids....

I love it, QOC! This is definitely one I need to pay more attention to: Learn to avoid the weakness of indulgence and the excess of severity



Thank you for the congrats!

Riz, if I had any good advice to give, you know I would. I just can't think of a darned useful thing to say other than resist the urge to tie them up and beat them about the head with blunt objects.

(((hugs))) good luck and you'll get through this. My step-daughter were like arch enemies for many years and we are pretty good friends now even though I'm not the 'step mom' anymore. It all works out.

tap a keg with her, that will score points

She's a good kid and just a sweetheart but for some reason she's just having some issues. I know it can be alot with us just getting married and her Mom is getting married and they'll be moving soon and changing schools and the fiance has a son and the oldest sister will be going off to college...So, I know she's harboring some feelings that she's not sure what to do with.
Our biggest thing over the weekend was that acting out and being snotty will get her nowhere but in trouble. If she wants to say anything...she knows there is an open line no matter what.
Being rude and disrespectful is just not acceptable and there will be consequences.
I told her I don't want her to be that kid no one wants to play with because she's being a bossy diva. She doesn't want to be that kid other kids parents don't want her around because she's rude and being a negative influence. Saying yes ma'am and no sir and thank you are part of life.
She's very smart and mature for her age so I know she gets it. I'm just trying to learn as much as I can on how to communicate effectively with little ones.
Thank goodness I have you guys!!!

you're welcome

Rizzo, you have us but does she have anyone? We're in a similar situation here and counseling has helped. Knowing there are other kids out there going through the same things and non-related adults waiting to help them can make a big difference for a kid.

Yes! She sees their school counselor and will be part of a group of kids that meet there with the counselor.
I thought about books too???? She loves to read and It thought if I could find a book or books that she could relate to that might help.

Books are a great idea. I can't say enough about the American Girl series of "self-help" books. When my husband and I got divorced, my daughter and I went looking for a book- I let her choose the one she thought would help her the most, and she picked "A Smart Girl's Guide to Her Parents' Divorce: How to Land on Your Feet When Your World Turns Upside Down" and it seemed to really help her. They have other ones that might be more appropriate for your situation- "Help! A Girl's Guide to Divorce and Stepfamilies"; "the Feelings Book: The Care and Keeping of your Emotions"; and "A Smart Girl's Guide to Understanding Her Family: Feelings, Fighting & Figuring it Out". I don't know if she likes to write or keep a diary, but the Feelings book has a companion Feelings Journal as well.

American Girl has a whole bunch of books on a myriad of topics: Divorce, siblings, bullies, hygene, etc. We also really liked the Care and Keeping of Me, which begins to explain puberty. They use really simple language thats perfect for the girls age, and it uses lots of affirming language, and doesn't get too graphic which I like.