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#169708 - 03/22/04 01:16 PM Kids!
DeeQ Offline
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DeeQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,760
Turnpike Exit 10
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day,
picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the
checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.




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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#169709 - 03/22/04 03:55 PM Re: Kids!
SanibelGal Offline
Member
SanibelGal
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 80
Fla


That reminds me of a clip I saw on America's Funniest Home Videos recently. Two little boys were playing in their backyard and found a tampon still wrapped up. Upon opening it, they ran to their mother and told her they had found a stick of dynamite! Imagine what their reaction will be when they are older and REALLY find out what it was!

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#169710 - 03/22/04 06:31 PM The dying nun...
DeeQ Offline
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DeeQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,760
Turnpike Exit 10
A glass of milk for the Nun

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey the nuns had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

The nun took the glass back to Mother Superior's bedside, and held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had downed the whole glass, down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

Mother Superior slowly raised her head, and with a pious look on her face, whispered, "Don't sell that cow."
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#169711 - 03/22/04 06:52 PM Re: The dying nun...
E.E.G.B Offline
Power Poster
E.E.G.B
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 6,726
the sandy shore
If you have some time.....
Bad Baby Names

Be forewarned, you should not read these if you are sitting where other people can hear/see you. Or if your eyeliner/mascara is not waterproof. Or if you are drinking anything while reading them (page 5 made me snort Diet Coke out my nose.) Or if you, or your child, is named Quinlynn.

Other than that, enjoy.....
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I disbelieved what he was saying so hard, I probably created an alternate universe where it wasn't true.

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#169712 - 03/22/04 07:09 PM Re: Kids!
carrieb Offline
100 Club
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 167
Minneapolis
Quote:



That reminds me of a clip I saw on America's Funniest Home Videos recently. Two little boys were playing in their backyard and found a tampon still wrapped up. Upon opening it, they ran to their mother and told her they had found a stick of dynamite! Imagine what their reaction will be when they are older and REALLY find out what it was!




That is too funny! I was just thinking about this story this morning:

Our family (me, mom, dad, and brother) and my aunt's family were on our way to Chicago. We stopped at one of those over-the-freeway rest stops. My brother and cousin Jim were about nine. Jim asked his mom for $ for the vending machines. She gladly granted his request as long as he shared his goodies with my brother. No one paid attention to what they were doing until we looked over and they were blowing into the cardboard tube. Everyone burst out laughing and asked Jim what he had bought and he said "cigars."
Needless to say, he has never lived that one down.

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#169713 - 03/23/04 01:54 AM Re: The dying nun...
JacF Offline

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Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 6,719
PA
EGB- That is one of the funniest sites I've seen in a long time!

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#169714 - 03/23/04 01:11 PM A blonde joke
DeeQ Offline
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DeeQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,760
Turnpike Exit 10
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

HellOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#169715 - 03/23/04 04:03 PM Re: A blonde joke
Alien Offline
Platinum Poster
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 862
Mexifornia
Let's give the Blondes a break...

It was the day of the big sale. A long line formed by 8:30 am, the stores opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up again, he said to the person at the end of the line.....

"That's enough now! If you people hit me one more time, I
won't open the store!"


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If you have enough, would you know?

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#169716 - 03/23/04 07:18 PM Re: A blonde joke
deppfan Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 5,184
All over the map.
Management At Its Best

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup,
hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined
to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy
leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and
he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks,
"And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him
and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash
and screams, "Here's two weeks' pay, now
GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing,
the CEO looks around the room and asks,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that
goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers
mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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On the road again.....I just can't wait to get on the road again.

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#169717 - 03/24/04 04:20 AM Re: A blonde joke
CRAatBOK Offline

Power Poster
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 6,172
Further South than I wanna be.
Pretty funny. Try this site its good for a laugh
http://media.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/1218/coffee_hi.swf Sorry I had to put the whole thing in but I don't know how to do the abbreviated thing.
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Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.

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#169718 - 03/24/04 01:07 PM Re: father - daughter chat
DeeQ Offline
10K Club
DeeQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,760
Turnpike Exit 10
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she
just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed
she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them flat and said "Well, it might be okay in California or
Massachusetts, but we're not having any of that crap here in Jersey.
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#169719 - 03/24/04 04:19 PM Sorry Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia
deppfan Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 5,184
All over the map.
Dysfunctional Section of Hallmark

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me..
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time..
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia

14.Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband
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On the road again.....I just can't wait to get on the road again.

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#169720 - 03/24/04 04:53 PM Re: father - daughter chat
DawgFan Offline
Diamond Poster
DawgFan
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,678
United States
Maria, LMAO! I sent that one to some friends!
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Opinions expressed are solely my own.

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#169721 - 03/24/04 08:57 PM Re: father - daughter chat
Fork Ate Spoon Offline
Diamond Poster
Fork Ate Spoon
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 2,261
Between Here and There
What do you all think.. Is this Catfish Real or not Real

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#169722 - 03/24/04 09:08 PM Re: father - daughter chat
Jello Offline
100 Club
Jello
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 162
According to snopes it is REAL!
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My opinions are not that of my employer and are not legal advice, they really have no value at all.

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#169723 - 03/25/04 12:32 AM Re: father - daughter chat
CRAatBOK Offline

Power Poster
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 6,172
Further South than I wanna be.
I thought it said it was False.

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I
noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

Thaaaat's all Folks
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Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.

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#169724 - 03/25/04 02:40 AM Re: Wanted
BBoyd Offline
Diamond Poster
BBoyd
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 2,491
MI
Sign posted on our local grocery store:

"Wanted: Frozen Dairy Clerk"

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Opinions are mine and never to be taken as legal advice!

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#169725 - 03/25/04 02:35 PM Re: Wanted
Retread Offline
Power Poster
Retread
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 2,548
Southeast
Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?"

The secret service agent agreed with the President.

"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!"

Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"
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Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often and for the same reason.

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#169726 - 03/25/04 02:48 PM Re: Wanted
DeeQ Offline
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DeeQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,760
Turnpike Exit 10
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#169727 - 03/25/04 02:57 PM Re: Wanted
Retread Offline
Power Poster
Retread
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 2,548
Southeast
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

'Not a chance' says Mrs. Mumrphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Mumrphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

'What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.'

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.
_________________________
Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often and for the same reason.

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#169728 - 03/25/04 03:20 PM Re: Wanted
TTC Queen Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,119
Oklahoma
So much for having a Big Mac & Fries for lunch!!
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Blessed are the cracked, for it is they who let in the light. (Boy is it bright around me!)

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#169729 - 03/25/04 03:30 PM Re: Wanted
Retread Offline
Power Poster
Retread
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 2,548
Southeast
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
_________________________
Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often and for the same reason.

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#169730 - 03/25/04 04:05 PM Re: Wanted
DeeQ Offline
10K Club
DeeQ
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 40,760
Turnpike Exit 10
Retread, you are full of them today!
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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain

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#169731 - 03/25/04 04:22 PM Re: father - daughter chat
Dan Persfull Offline
10K Club
Dan Persfull
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 46,455
Bloomington, IN
Dig, regardless of what Snoopes says I would believe it is real.

I have a picture of me at home when I was about 6 or 7 standing next to a 98 lb Catfish my Uncle Roy caught out of the Black River in Pocahontas, Arkansas.
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The opinions expressed are mine and they are not to be taken as legal advice.

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#169732 - 03/25/04 04:23 PM Re: father - daughter chat
downstown Offline
Gold Star
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 295
St. Louis, MO
Quote:

I thought it said it was False.





It said that the story was false, but the picture was real.

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