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#171975 - 03/22/04 06:37 PM Tragedy strikes the White House
DeeQ Offline
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A tragic fire on Sunday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.
A presidential spokesman said the President was devastated - he had not finished coloring the second one.
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#171976 - 03/22/04 06:45 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
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#171977 - 03/22/04 06:54 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
E.E.G.B Offline
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the sandy shore


Only because Donald Rumsfeld kept hiding it from him, though.
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#171978 - 03/22/04 06:54 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
Elwood P. Dowd Offline
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Oh, Maria, to have the courage of the young.
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#171979 - 03/22/04 07:00 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
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"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." óJay Leno

"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why ó with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." óJay Leno

"John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either." óDavid Letterman

"John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse." óConan O'Brien

"John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn't show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality." óJay Leno

"John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." óJay Leno

"The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." óJay Leno

"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man." óJay Leno

"I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal." óDavid Letterman

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." óCraig Kilborn

"Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math." óConan O'Brien

"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him." óJay Leno

"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton." óDavid Letterman

"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage." óConan O'Brien

"It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement." óJay Leno

"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox ó his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." óJay Leno

"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" óJimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Over the weekend, John Kerry ó the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on ó he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again." óDavid Letterman

"Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, 'I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'" óConan O'Brien

"Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it." óJay Leno

"The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'" óConan O'Brien

"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." óJay Leno

"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" óJay Leno

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" óJay Leno

"In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women." óJay Leno

"It's nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have fallen to the exact level that his father's poll numbers were nine months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry said he's not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he's going to start f---ing everything that moves." óBill Maher

"John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?'" óCraig Kilborn

"A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now." óJay Leno

"John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that's when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet rumors this week that he had Botox treatments. The Republicans say Kerry should have a clear, unfurrowed brow the old fashioned way by not giving a sh--." óBill Maher

"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." óJay Leno

"Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because heís 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore ó in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all." óJay Leno

"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away." óDennis Miller

"The big winner last night in New Hampshire ó Senator John Kerry. He won 39 percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question, why the long face?" óJay Leno

"Real movement in the Kerry campaign now. His poll numbers are moving, donations are moving, endorsements are moving. The only thing not moving is his hair." óJay Leno

"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it." óJay Leno

"John Kerryís victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. Itís a whole different game." óJay Leno

"A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace." óJay Leno

"During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam." óConan O'Brien

"John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name ó because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not." óJay Leno

"These campaigns are getting so nasty. They are going through people's old taxes, coming up with these old quotes. Today, somebody released footage of John Kerry throwing apples at Dorothy. To me he just looks like the tree from 'The Wizard of Oz.'" óBill Maher

"Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?" óDavid Letterman

"In an interview with Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, who is running for president, said that when he voted for the war in Iraq, he didn't expect President Bush to 'f--- it up as badly as he did.' Here's some breaking news, tomorrow former Vice President Al Gore expected to endorse Howard Dean as the Democratic nominee for president of the United States ó and you thought John Kerry was using four letter words before! Actually, to John Kerry, Dean is a four letter word." óJay Leno

"Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came down pretty hard on fellow candidate Howard Dean this weekend. After Dean misspoke several times, Kerry said you can't misspeak 15 times in a week and be president. And Bush said, 'You can't'?" óJay Leno

"The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out. Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone with bigger hair then she had." óJay Leno

"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely." óJay Leno

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#171980 - 03/22/04 07:00 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
HRH Dawnie Offline
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I'm so excited! I'm sending that to all my republican friends!!! I live to torment them!
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#171981 - 03/22/04 07:07 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
zaibatsu Offline
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That joke is so old. Here is how I heard it back when dinosaurs roamed the earth:

Did you hear that the Texas A&M library had to close down this year?


Somebody stole the book. That's not all... when it was returned it was all colored in.
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#171982 - 03/22/04 07:21 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
Countess Kiwi Offline
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I am not a republican, nor am I always a democrat...but I thought this was pretty funny.
Last edited by Kiwi; 03/22/04 07:38 PM.
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#171983 - 03/22/04 07:23 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
Skittles Online
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That's too funny!
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#171984 - 03/22/04 07:28 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
DeeQ Offline
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Quote:

That joke is so old. Here is how I heard it back when dinosaurs roamed the earth:

Did you hear that the Texas A&M library had to close down this year?


Somebody stole the book. That's not all... when it was returned it was all colored in.




Ha ha Z, now I know how old you really are!
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#171985 - 03/22/04 07:29 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
DeeQ Offline
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Quote:

I am not a repulican, nor am I always a democrat...but I thought this was pretty funny.




Me either, but that was hysterical! My old guy is a diehard Bush fan... he will love that!
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#171986 - 03/22/04 07:30 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
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OH, so George W. Bush is STUPID? I get it now.

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#171987 - 03/22/04 07:31 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
Elwood P. Dowd Offline
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Kiwi,
I am a Democrat and come by it honestly. My great-grandfather had an unnatural part in his hair from where a bullet grazed him in a bar fight. His assailant had announced to all those present: "Any Democrat is a no good Rebel SOB." My g-grandfather said, "I knew he had a gun and I didn't care."

Nevertheless, your link is still funny. Now if we can just keep this thread funny instead of a soap box...
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#171988 - 03/22/04 07:40 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
E.E.G.B Offline
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Yeah, good luck with that, Ken. I am biting my tongue....... Here's hoping some others will as well. Particularly that mouthy Anon guy.
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#171989 - 03/22/04 07:41 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
zaibatsu Offline
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Quote:

Now if we can just keep this thread funny instead of a soap box...




I agree, but no one has mentioned the lengthy post of mostly Kerry funnies...are those funny or soap box?
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#171990 - 03/22/04 07:52 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
waldensouth Offline
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FINALLY ABOVE the gnat line
I personally thought they were funny. I used to be such a diehard democrat - even was elected to the Democratic Executive Committee in my home state many years ago. Nowadays I don't have much use for either party. If we can't poke fun at ourselves (as represented by the great leaders we keep giving ourselves) we're in big trouble.
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#171991 - 03/22/04 07:53 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
Elwood P. Dowd Offline
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As for me: Several were funny. None were soap box. Maria's & Kiwi's were just funny because the context was undeniable.
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#171992 - 03/22/04 07:55 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
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All in fun guys!
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#171993 - 03/22/04 07:56 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
Queen Mum Offline
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OK
Quote:

Quote:

Now if we can just keep this thread funny instead of a soap box...




I agree, but no one has mentioned the lengthy post of mostly Kerry funnies...are those funny or soap box?




You mean you read them? I go to the first line, saw it was from Anon and skipped over it. Hopefully others will do the same. If they get no acknowledgement, then maybe they will register or quit trying to stir everyone up.

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#171994 - 03/22/04 07:57 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
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Whoever edited the list of late night jokes didn't do a very good job - a few poking fun at Bush still got through...

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#171995 - 03/22/04 08:01 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
DawgFan Offline
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I, for one, am a Bush supporter. Dawnie, I don't know that forwarding that to your republican friends would exactly torment them. They seem to be jabs at Kerry, for the most part.

Why not poke fun at our elected officials? They deserve it. It seems to me that it takes an incredibly large ego, regardless of party affiliation, to be a public official. They need a few pins stuck in them every once in a while.
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#171996 - 03/22/04 08:24 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
HRH Dawnie Offline
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I actually ended up below the Kerry post. I was sending out the library joke

Boomermom...you're an ANON snob!!! (heh heh, just kidding) I thought Anon's post was funny too, if lightly right of the funny mark...tee hee I refuse to believe anyone signs onto BOL just to torment people Well except for Zbaby Heh heh
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#171997 - 03/22/04 08:31 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
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OK
Sorry, Dawnie, but I got lambasted by an Anon once and it just eats at me sometimes.

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#171998 - 03/22/04 08:46 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
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I enjoy the torment. Actually, Dawnie, I don't sign onto BOL just to torment--I sign off to do that. You see, I was the anonymous who posted the Kerry jokes...and yes, I noticed that there were some Bush jokes in there too. Did I do it to stir things up? Nah!! At least no more than Maria.

In the spirit of fairplay, I'll post jokes on the president also:

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?"




When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 25 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula, and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the years." So they hugged and made their peace.

Then Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered sheepishly, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."





One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Al Sharpton and Monica Lewinsky. Monica Lewinsky was...ahem...doing what she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"





Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."




Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.

The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.

Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."

In true Nixon fashion, Nixon says: "sc**w the women."

Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"
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#171999 - 03/22/04 09:00 PM Re: Tragedy strikes the White House
DawgFan Offline
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Quote:

Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"




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