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#1736617 - 08/30/12 02:26 PM Attend wedding or not?
NotPerfect Offline
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Ok. I'm going to let the BOLers decide instead of telling the hubby what I think he should do and get into any sort of fight over it. . . .

My husband's coworker is getting married next month and my husband is adament in not wanting to attend. He is opposed to this marriage as the bride-to-me is not a very nice person and he thinks she trapped his coworker into this relationship by getting pregnant. (The coworker is very naive, lacking most common sense, and somewhat slow, but a great guy.)

Here's the catch. Pretty much the entire team from work will be attending the wedding. My husband is being "told" by his other coworkers that he has to go, and being Irish, this makes him push back even more. However, my husband is also trying for a supervisor position within his current team within the next year or so. He doesn't think that work and personal life necessarily need to mix, but there is that "what impression do you make" by what you decide to do in personal decisions that are somewhat tied to your working life.

So, what do you think he (we) should do?
Do we attend the wedding?
single choice


Votes accepted starting: 08/30/12 02:24 PM
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#1736622 - 08/30/12 02:32 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
thomasj Offline
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Well, if you graciously decline (you have other plans that day) and send a gift it may be better. If he goes and his Irish temper boils over and he says something he shouldn't then it will do more harm than not going at all. Or if he sits and sulks the entire time it could have a negative impact on how he is perceived by co-workers.
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#1736624 - 08/30/12 02:38 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
MyBrainHurts Offline
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It's time for your husband to be an adult. His co-worker is celebrating a special day, whether your hubby approves or not. Tell him to quit being judgemental, and do everything he can to make it a happy day for all. Sometimes we have to set our feelings aside and be gentlemen.
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#1736626 - 08/30/12 02:40 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
DeeQ Offline
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I would decline and send a gift, because frankly I can't be bothered if it is someone I don't care for. Unless there is a top shelf open bar. wink
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#1736638 - 08/30/12 02:48 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
BurntSienna Offline
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If he can attend and be gracious, then I think that would be the best course of action. I would caution against excessive alcohol, and remember that you certainly don't have to stay until the end. Go, bring a gift, enjoy yourselves, wish the couple the very best of luck... and make a graceful early exit. Your hubby doesn't have to interact much at all with the bride and groom at a wedding. Tell him to pretend it's just an office party that everyone is "expected" to be at.

It would be foolish to allow his personal disapproval to get in the way of his career advancement. As someone said above, him sulking or losing his temper at the wedding would be judged harshly, so if he doesn't think he can hold his tongue and appear gracious, then do not attend.
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#1736644 - 08/30/12 02:55 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
Bankbb1, PITA Offline
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The Sovereign State Of Oklahom...
Go, be polite, make an appearance, make an excuse, go watch football....
Its a small effort for a big gesture.
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#1736656 - 08/30/12 03:05 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
Truffle Royale Offline

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Got kids? Then it's easy to have something else come up.
Politely decline and send a gift.
If he wants to be their supervisor, he really shouldn't get all buddy buddy with them now. That'll only make the job harder.

But this all depends on what he's said at work already. If he's voiced his disapproval of the woman and/or her methods of getting her man, then going would be hypocritical. Sending a gift may also generate more talk. It this is the case, I'd send a card and take the guy out to a 'last lunch as a free man'.

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#1736659 - 08/30/12 03:09 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
Pale Rider Offline
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His crystal ball may be a little foggy. Suck it up, buy a gift and go!
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#1736664 - 08/30/12 03:14 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
NotPerfect Offline
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I've told him that some times, he has to suck it up and kiss a few babies and shake a few hands. He went to another coworker's wedding reception last year and so he should show the same support for this coworker, regardless of the circumstances. I've suggested making an appearance, but bailing out early.

The wedding also happens to fall on the same night as the employee poker night and he's mentioned that he'd prefer to go to the poker night rather than the wedding. crazy Some of these coworkers that are attending the wedding, also normally attend this poker night including the groom. His excuse is that he supplies the tables and the chips. . . . and this poker night is being held at one of the higher ups from the department's home.

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#1736667 - 08/30/12 03:19 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
cheekEE Offline
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Originally Posted By: NotPerfect
I've told him that some times, he has to suck it up and kiss a few babies and shake a few hands. He went to another coworker's wedding reception last year and so he should show the same support for this coworker, regardless of the circumstances. I've suggested making an appearance, but bailing out early.

The wedding also happens to fall on the same night as the employee poker night and he's mentioned that he'd prefer to go to the poker night rather than the wedding. crazy Some of these coworkers that are attending the wedding, also normally attend this poker night including the groom. His excuse is that he supplies the tables and the chips. . . . and this poker night is being held at one of the higher ups from the department's home.



Oh yah. He's got to make an appearance. Just the ceremony and then RUN!!
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#1736683 - 08/30/12 03:35 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
manimal Offline
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I agree, make a brief appearance in support of th groom. You don't have to stay.
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#1737044 - 08/31/12 12:22 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
HappyGilmore Offline
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Pulling people out of the ditc...
rather than attend the wedding or employee poker night, you should get a better paying job so he can quit his and sit at home, drinking beer and watching soccer...then he would be happier and wou;dn't have to worry about making these choices!

barring that, what he does on his own time is his, and if he does not care for the people getting married, he shouldn't attend the wedding...

i wouldn't even bother sending a gift, but that's just me...
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#1737067 - 08/31/12 12:48 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
B_F Offline
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Originally Posted By: NotPerfect
He went to another coworker's wedding reception last year and so he should show the same support for this coworker, regardless of the circumstances. I've suggested making an appearance, but bailing out early.

this poker night is being held at one of the higher ups from the department's home.
This info changes things a bit for me. Show up, give a gift, and head out after the ceremony, and say that he needs to get the chips and table to the higher up. He doesn't have to stick around, and can sit in the back. Let the groom know, the day before or so that he'll be there, but has to take care of great high muckety muck and the poker game, so he'll have to take off early so that he can get the table and chips to the higher up.

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#1737086 - 08/31/12 01:27 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
VWgirl21 Offline
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Originally Posted By: NotPerfect
The wedding also happens to fall on the same night as the employee poker night and he's mentioned that he'd prefer to go to the poker night rather than the wedding. crazy Some of these coworkers that are attending the wedding, also normally attend this poker night including the groom. His excuse is that he supplies the tables and the chips. . . . and this poker night is being held at one of the higher ups from the department's home.



Are they still having poker night if a bunch of the guys are at the wedding?
Last edited by VWgirl21; 08/31/12 01:28 PM.
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#1737110 - 08/31/12 01:50 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
NotPerfect Offline
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Ok. I feel for my hubby on this one. Last night, he mentioned to me that he was going to ask the host to move poker back an hour and that he would attend the ceremony, but not the reception. He went into work this morning to tell the groom this and a number of his coworkers jumped into the conversation to harass him. The groom basically gave him an ultimatium - wedding or poker, but not both.

Granted, the team loves to pick on each other all the time so this is normal behavior for these IT geeks, but they also don't know when to give it up. I could not stand working with this group if they tend to do this day in and day out. At this point, I'd tell them where to shove it with the umtimatium. . . .and I'm sure that's what hubby did.

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#1737175 - 08/31/12 03:01 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
GenerousLife Offline
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A wedding is not a circus event to "go watch". It is a covenant between two people and those in attendance should be there in support of the union. If your husband has a serious concern about the marriage, then he should not attend. A polite decline with heartfelt wishes for the groom's happiness was all that was necessary when the invitation was first issued.

Now that all this back-and-forth has been going on in the office, there is no way to get out of it without affecting future working relationships. Go to the wedding, pray for a successful marriage and go home. Quit talking about it and keep your opinions to yourself.
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#1737191 - 08/31/12 03:34 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
B_F Offline
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Originally Posted By: NotPerfect
Ok. I feel for my hubby on this one. Last night, he mentioned to me that he was going to ask the host to move poker back an hour and that he would attend the ceremony, but not the reception. He went into work this morning to tell the groom this and a number of his coworkers jumped into the conversation to harass him. The groom basically gave him an ultimatium - wedding or poker, but not both.

Granted, the team loves to pick on each other all the time so this is normal behavior for these IT geeks, but they also don't know when to give it up. I could not stand working with this group if they tend to do this day in and day out. At this point, I'd tell them where to shove it with the umtimatium. . . .and I'm sure that's what hubby did.


My response would be, "I'm sorry, but if you're going to drop an ultimatum, I will not be attending your wedding, since I have an obligation to someone else. I offered to do what I could to make both work, but if you insist that I not attend the wedding if I am unable to attend the reception, I will be happy to bring you a card the Friday before the wedding wishing you the best of luck (not said: with that witch) in your marriage and relax before attending my previously scheduled engagement."

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#1737201 - 08/31/12 03:40 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
Matt_B Offline
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It's kind of ridiculous the amount of drama that can come from something pretty simple when it comes to guys. We'd like to generalize that drama is low with men, but I got into it with one of my best friends when put into an ultimatum situation (he had the gall to issue one when it was my wedding) and he ended up attending, to our great surprise, but not as the best man he was originally going to be.

Some things need to be set aside for the greater good and ego should be one of them. If the groom can't accept a compromise, that's his problem. If you didn't say you'd be missing the reception, I'd bet they wouldn't even notice your lack of attendance!
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#1737221 - 08/31/12 04:03 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
BurntSienna Offline
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So this poker group includes the groom and many of the wedding invitees, but still cannot be canceled for this one night on the occasion of this wedding? That seems a bit... priorities out of whack... to me.

Issuing the ultimatum was a bit rude on the groom's part, but his stress level is no doubt high so maybe he overreacted. In my opinion, it's also rude for an invited guest to create drama about attending. When one is invited to an event, one chooses to either accept or decline. It isn't necessary to get emotional and propose/announce possible compromises (the grudgingly offered "well, I'll do you a favor and show up to your ceremony but no way I'm missing poker for your reception!"). I think a person talks about it privately with his/her significant other and then publicly either accepts or declines, graciously in either case.
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#1737244 - 08/31/12 04:24 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? BurntSienna
Truffle Royale Offline

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Originally Posted By: BurntSienna
I think a person talks about it privately with his/her significant other and then publicly either accepts or declines via the response card , graciously in either case.
To think all of this could have been avoided if he'd just not talked about it at work at all. imho, if he ever hopes to be supervising this group, he needs to start easing off the fraternizing now, including the poker group.

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#1737263 - 08/31/12 04:53 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
E.E.G.B Offline
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Originally Posted By: NotPerfect
The groom basically gave him an ultimatium - wedding or poker, but not both.


Excuse me?! Is Groomzilla your husband's mommy or his wife? I think not. The *second* that came out of Groomzilla's mouth, I'd have said "Well then it's poker."

12 years later, I probably couldn't tell you more than 10 people who came to our wedding without pulling out the memorabilia. I had a few things on my mind other than mentally running down the guest list and checking people off.
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#1737726 - 09/04/12 06:26 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
HappyGilmore Offline
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Pulling people out of the ditc...
we had a small wedding, less than 50 people, i recall every one of them...

i'd never issue an ulimatum...how childish
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#1737789 - 09/04/12 08:45 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
Dip Offline
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After reading all this I would not go to the wedding. I agree with what BurntSienna said. Don't go but send a gift and move on, being a little more careful about what he shares at work.
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#1737875 - 09/05/12 12:40 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
thomasj Offline
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NP, Does your husband work with B_F from BOL? If so, I think he has too many guests coming anyways. Maybe we could combine the two threads and kill two birds with one stone.....
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#1741250 - 09/14/12 11:14 PM Re: Attend wedding or not? NotPerfect
Sing A Little Offline
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He's in a pickle either way now, but the groom giving him an ultimatum is uncalled for. I'd pass on the wedding and send a gift.
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