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#176585 - 04/03/04 11:04 PM
Old Loves
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Well, what is it in your case:
Once we were lovers, now we're not even friends...
or
There's an old flame burnin' in your eyes...
(Multiple responses from the same individual are possible, assuming you've had more than one old love.) Anonymous posting is not required, but is expected to a certain extent.
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#176586 - 04/04/04 01:50 AM
Re: Old Loves
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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I'll post anonymously...
I met someone online during my divorce and he lived 4 hours away. We met 3 times and I was really "into it". He wasn't and the day before what was supposed to be our 4th meeting...he cancelled. I was devastated, but he said he would call the next day to make sure I was ok.
He called. And he still calls every day. Multiple times. Many times in the evening. When I think my world is falling apart, he is there from afar to lift me up. I listen to his dating horror stories, he listens to mine.
I couldn't ask for a better friend. And that is all it is. A beautiful friendship. I haven't seen him in over 3 years, but he occupies a very special place in my heart.
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#176587 - 04/05/04 02:32 PM
Re: Old Loves
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Platinum Poster
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 660
KY
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i was engaged once at 18 (yeah i know  ), we lived 17 hours a part and were both freshman in college, needless to say, time and space and new lives caused us to grow apart. oh that and the co ed dorm he lived in and new "friend" he had made. anyway, about 6 months after we broke up, oddly on what have been an anniversary for us, my father died. i was distraught to say the least. so i called him, as that was the only thing i could think to do, he wasn't there, so i left him a message. He didn't call back. i was angry and busy dealing with other things, so a year goes by again, and i decide to call him again, just to see how he is. come to find out "the friend", now girlfriend had deleted my message. He was a great person, and i loved him, but it was nothing compared to what i feel for my husband, He (my hubby) is the only person who has ever made me this happy. so for me i'd say a mix of both. i wonder where Nate is, and if he's doing well, but that's it, the rest faded away a long time ago.
_________________________
Practice, practice makes perfect,
Perfect is a fault, and in fault lines change
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#176588 - 04/05/04 05:20 PM
Re: Old Loves
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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I met my first love somewhat reluctantly. He was a friend of a friend...you know the story. Surprisingly, we hit it off and became superclose, except geography-wise. Until several months later when I found out he had been selling pot and lying to me about it, also the other girls he didn't think to mention...oh, and the police record...
It's been almost two years, but last week he called my friend in the middle of the night, apparently stoned out of his head. He asked for my number, but never called me. I've been going crazy trying to figure out why he would have done that...
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#176590 - 04/05/04 06:25 PM
Re: Old Loves
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Diamond Poster
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 2,261
Between Here and There
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Quote:
Quote:
He asked for my number, but never called me. I've been going crazy trying to figure out why he would have done that...
He wanted your number to put into Google in order to figure out your address 
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#176591 - 04/05/04 06:28 PM
Re: Old Loves
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Diamond Poster
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,089
PacificNW
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My first love lives in the same small town that I do and I see him at least once a week because we go to the same gym. We are actually pretty friendly now and can at least say hello to one another. I figure, we are adults now. We dated over ten years ago. What's the point of being rude and unfriendly?
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#176592 - 04/05/04 09:12 PM
Re: Old Loves
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Skye, My first love was also when I was a freshman in college at the young age of 17. But Daniel and I were from totally different worlds; at least different countries! He was an exchange student from Venezuela. What a year! I often wonder where he is, what his life is like and if he ever thinks of me as I do of him. What is it about first loves that stay with us no matter the length of time or water under the bridge?!
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#176594 - 04/05/04 09:34 PM
Re: Old Loves
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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My first love happen happened when I was 16. Robb and I were together until he was killed by a drunk driver. I was 18 years old. It's strange because my Grandmother's first love died when she was 18 also. I don't think I will ever feel that again. Scary. I just ended a 7 year relationship, it was going nowhere, and I think I may be tapped out. No more for me. Or, is there??? I kinda hope so.
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#176595 - 04/05/04 09:40 PM
Re: Old Loves
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Platinum Poster
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 770
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I too married my first and only love. We met at 17 and married almost immediately, 10 years ago. 2 kiddos later, my heart still skips a beat every time he walks into the room or calls me. He is my best friend, my confidant, and lover. He is the only person who knows everything about me, and I him.
I truly believe in love at first sight and soul mates, because the minute he walked into the basketball gym, I knew he was the ONE.
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#176596 - 04/05/04 11:38 PM
Re: Old Loves
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Better sign off for this one! The loves: The ExHusband, still friends and he has a flame burnin' I don't. I hope he finds happiness in the future. The Boy Toy: Didn't know how old he was, or wasn't since he looked my age. He was 10 years younger! He sure was fun. I wave when I see his car. That would be the extent of our relationship now. I advise other women not to go out with him on a regular basis. The Client: Searching for a wife to handle his little children. He's very sorry he lost a good banker when we broke up. I did transfer him from my portfolio before I dated him by the way. He still calls. I don't return the calls. He always wants business advice or lunch. I don't wave, I turn and drive in a different direction. The Idiot: He lives with his mother STILL! I duck despite the traffic. He had "Stalker" written all over him after two months of dating. I guess I'm not a "flame burnin' kind of woman"
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#176597 - 04/06/04 01:47 PM
Re: Old Loves
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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We met when we were 9, grew up together dated off and on, married other people, we both divorced, we both remarried other people, he's now single, I'm still married and it's seems the timing was never right. We talk nearly everyday.
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#176598 - 04/06/04 01:53 PM
Re: Old Loves
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10K Club
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 13,965
TN
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You still talk while you're married? Doesn't your spouse disapprove? I'm not making judgements at all, I'm just incredulous. I wouldn't like it if my husband was talking to someone he used to date.
_________________________
My Opinions Only
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#176599 - 04/06/04 01:55 PM
Re: Old Loves
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Power Poster
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,153
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Quote:
I'm still married and it's seems the timing was never right. We talk nearly everyday.
If Anon keeps this up, I'm betting that the timing will be right soon.
_________________________
Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city
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#176600 - 04/06/04 02:09 PM
Re: Old Loves
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Power Poster
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,045
Pedaling along a scenic highwa...
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Quote:
You still talk while you're married? Doesn't your spouse disapprove? I'm not making judgements at all, I'm just incredulous. I wouldn't like it if my husband was talking to someone he used to date.
As long as they weren't dating DURING the marriage, I don't see the problem, unless there is a trust issue. The fact remains that they never hooked up, obviously for a reason. Now, if there are deep feelings there, then Anon may want to exercise caution because she may end up losing the one that "worked out". Otherwise, there isn't a problem.
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#176601 - 04/06/04 02:22 PM
Re: Old Loves
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10K Club
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 13,965
TN
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FP - you're correct. Trust is the issue, but I still don't know very many couples who wouldn't have a problem with the other spouse having daily contact with someone from their past. It's a jealousy issue and no matter how much we try to avoid that, for some reason it often rears its ugly head.
_________________________
My Opinions Only
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#176602 - 04/06/04 02:28 PM
Re: Old Loves
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Power Poster
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,153
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Quote:
Quote:
You still talk while you're married? Doesn't your spouse disapprove? I'm not making judgments at all, I'm just incredulous. I wouldn't like it if my husband was talking to someone he used to date.
As long as they weren't dating DURING the marriage, I don't see the problem, unless there is a trust issue. The fact remains that they never hooked up, obviously for a reason. Now, if there are deep feelings there, then Anon may want to exercise caution because she may end up losing the one that "worked out". Otherwise, there isn't a problem.
Fraud Pup, whether they hooked up or not, you need to reread the post. There is a problem there. This person obviously still wishes the timing was right for a relationship. However, regardless of whether the feelings remain or not, it is ALWAYS best to just let these past relationships die. In fact, I keep a safe distance from even women who were just friends. My wife is my woman friend--I need no other woman friend but her and I cannot fill any emotional need another woman has. To the extent that past female friends are friends with my wife, the relationships have been sustained, but I do not seek out females who were merely my friends before my marriage. That does not mean that I do not say "hi" to them if I see them, but I do not take their calls and I do not have lunch with them. When I do see them, I make a point of mentioning my wife--and only in a good light--regardless of how I may be feeling about her that day. I do not want any female to think that there is a crack in the relationship. There are those out there--even those you'd least expect--who would try to take advantage of such information. A mighty dam is soon destroyed by a tiny crack.
This is from someone who has never been divorced and does not communicate with the opposite sex in a manner that would ever give my dear wife a reason for concern. That means that I do not contact nor accept contact from past mutual loves or unrequited loves--period.
_________________________
Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city
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#176603 - 04/06/04 02:38 PM
Re: Old Loves
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Power Poster
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,045
Pedaling along a scenic highwa...
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My big issue is that, by eliminating a gender from your list of possible friends because you are married, you are eliminating half the population from friendship. Before I was even close to being married, females made up the majority of my friends. If I had to break contact from my friends because I got married, I'd pretty much be friendless, and that is no way to go through life! To each his own, I suppose, but I strongly disagree with that position.
Now, you said something wonderful when you said that when you do talk to a female, you always refer to your wife in a good light, so as not to show even a crack in the relationship. That is VERY important, when dealing with someone who is or may be interested in seeking out a relationship. You are correct that that crack may open up a dam and ruin your relationship, as it has in many cases.
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#176604 - 04/06/04 02:49 PM
Re: Old Loves
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Power Poster
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 6,153
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Quote:
My big issue is that, by eliminating a gender from your list of possible friends because you are married, you are eliminating half the population from friendship. Before I was even close to being married, females made up the majority of my friends. If I had to break contact from my friends because I got married, I'd pretty much be friendless, and that is no way to go through life! To each his own, I suppose, but I strongly disagree with that position.
Now, you said something wonderful when you said that when you do talk to a female, you always refer to your wife in a good light, so as not to show even a crack in the relationship. That is VERY important, when dealing with someone who is or may be interested in seeking out a relationship. You are correct that that crack may open up a dam and ruin your relationship, as it has in many cases.
Fraud Pup, I was in your same situation and yes, it is lonely for a time, but I think it is the right thing to do. I joked with my wife that I did not have any friends for the longest time. It is difficult for men to develop close bonds. However, can you truly say that you never longed to date any of your female friends? I can not. Can you truly say that you know the heart of those female friends and know that they had absolutely no interest in you? I have found myself surprised on several occasions when I found out that a "friend" had feelings for me. Have you had an honest discussion with your wife about this? Another thing, these female friends are great while things are going good in your marriage, it is when things get rocky that they become an impediment and a temptation. And things do get rocky at times. Nothing like a good "female" friend to lend a shoulder for you to cry on--then that leads to...well, you can finish the story. I would be a fool to think that I am stronger than those who have failed before me--do you think they thought they'd ever do this. Well, some probably did not care, but most fell into the trap.
Again, have you had an honest discussion with your wife about this? Show her my post and ask her what she thinks.
_________________________
Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city
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#176605 - 04/06/04 03:34 PM
Re: Old Loves
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Power Poster
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,045
Pedaling along a scenic highwa...
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We'll just agree to disagree on this one, Z, if you don't mind. I understand what you are saying, trust me, and I give it 100% consideration. I'll remember your comments the next time I'm with a female friend, of course, and if nothing else, I'll be reminded of the possibilities there. The bottom line is that people, in general, make friends and forge relationships with those people with whom they work, etc. I work in a bank with mostly women. It would be a lonely job filled with lonely lunch-hours if I disallowed contact with members of the opposite sex. Thank you again for your comments.
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#176606 - 04/06/04 04:06 PM
Re: Old Loves
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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It’s me “the timing was never right”. My relationship with this man has evolved over the last 36 years. Our families have been very close since we were children and that closeness continues to this day. I said we dated off and on I did not say we were lovers though I would be lying if I denied there had been feelings there when we were younger. He has been my oldest and closest friend, he knows me well, as I do him. There was a time that we could have been more but we both realize it wasn’t meant to be. We are content to remain close friends, we are thankful for the strength our friendship affords us.
Also I have to include that I have no secrets from my husband, who knows of my friendship and was aware of it when we met. Yes, trust is indeed the issue. I’m sure that is why we have been married 20 years now. Our love and devotion for each other has not been clouded by petty jealousy, we know each other’s heart. My husband realizes that my friendship is an asset in my life and knows that I have been and will remain always faithful.
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#176607 - 04/07/04 01:09 AM
Re: Old Loves
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Power Poster
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 7,353
Anchorage Alaska
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The evil side of me wants to say "Z I think you're HOT!" but the good side of me says "refrain goofball" so I'll listen to her  Back to more serious issues, I'm with Fraud Pup on this one Z but I think I got the gist of your post. You don't put yourself in a position to make your wife uncomfortable, which is a noble thing.  But Fraud has a point too. I have many male friends and feel comfortable sitting and sharing a glass of wine with any of them in the club. They are well aware that I am not "looking" and that our friendship is just that, friendship. Their wife’s are just as comfortable with me (although not all are married) and are included in our circle of friends we socialize with when my sweetie is in town. My sweetie feels no jealousy in this case, but I do know he'd be uncomfortable if it was my ex I was spending time with. It's all about respect. Z respects his wife in the manner he's most comfortable with, Fraud does the same. If both parties feel this level of respect exists, all is well. If not, well things need to change.
_________________________
Dawn Coursey VP/CRA Queen
CRA Rating is in...Oh who cares...I'm home with the baby.
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