Received from a friend.
A number of Compliance Officer job postings appear every week. In keeping with fair advertising principals, and in light of the requirements of Dodd-Frank Act rules, some of the posters may want to expand the qualifications listed for a Compliance Officer position. Please consider the following qualifications for a Compliance Officer position under the new rules:
1. Leaps over large buildings in a single bound.
2. Talks to God (or at least talks to those at the CFPB who think they are God).
3. Has ESP so that clients do not have to read his/her lips, and can understand what clients are doing despite the fact that they do not reveal all they are planning.
4. Has mastered the Vulcan Mind Meld to instantaneously absorb all the nuances of the Seven Deadly Rulemakings from CFPB.
5. Knows which clients are naughty or nice.
6. Computer Whisperer.
7. Is licensed to practice law in all states and territories to be able to provide legal advice when clients think that consultations are not enough.
8. Is willing to accept a salary that is less than what the President makes.
9. Needs less than 4 hours of sleep per night (the job candidate would not be able to sleep anyway given the changes to CFPB rules and the time needed to read thousands of pages)
10. Has won a Pulitzer Prize or the Nobel Peace Prize for literature so that manuals and instructions will make sense.
11. Was a compliance officer and a loan officer since childhood so that he/she has sufficient experience in the industry to understand what customers do for a living.
12. Is an orphan with no siblings, spouse, or children so that there are no competing responsibilities.
13. Has no emotions so that screaming clients have no effect on performance.
14. Believes that puppy dogs, brain dead fur balls, and LO's who spend too much time in a gym and cannot complete a GFE to save their lives, are cute and need nurturing and hand holding.
15. Able to decipher legalese and legislative mumble-jumble and mind read which part of the conflicting definitions in the regulations the examiners will chose during the next exam.
16. Recognizes that with Dodd-Frank all measure of common-sense has definitely left the building with Elvis and that politicians, who obviously do not have a clue about lending, are now implementing the rules.
17. Must possess a strong ability to make sure the powers to be understand the time and cost involved with trying to maintain compliance is absolutely necessary to continue lending and transacting business, and that new systems and partners will add to that investment.
18. Willing to take full and unadulterated responsibility for everything that anyone in the bank does or doesn’t do.
Did I leave anything out?
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