KC-I grew up in NW Iowa and it's okay, but not that hilly. Moreso than Oklahoma, but not that much. Actually, I prefer the NE corner of the state, near Wisconsin. That area is beautiful. I lived for a couple years in Wisconsin, so I made the trip quite a few times and just really enjoyed that part of it. I know very little about Missouri, so I can't make fun.

Speaking of Alaska --

Sam has been in bank compliance for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and homesteads 50 acres of Alaskan wilderness as far from humanity as possible. Sam gets his mail and gets groceries once a month when a bush pilot makes deliveries to the airstrip 5 miles away. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Alaskan standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from eight miles up river... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... After 25 years in banking, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

A new way to detect mad cow disease. Be sure and use the sound for the full effect.

Mad Cow Disease Detector

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

Good one, Dig!

A Mans Tips for a Happy Marriage:

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said, so I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She said, "Too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!

"A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains after
you've been fingerprinted. " -Martha Stewart

> CLASSIC VERSION:
> The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.
>
> The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.
>
> Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or
shelter so he dies out in the cold.
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
>
> MODERN VERSION:
>
> The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.
>
> The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away!
>
> Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while
others are cold and
> starving.
>
> CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper
next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with
food.
>
> America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
>
> Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries
when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."

>
> Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the
news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome." Jesse then has
the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
>
> Tom Daschle & Walter Mondale exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings
that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call
for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair
> share".
>
> Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper
Act",retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for
failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing
left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the
government.
>
> Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation
suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of
> federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare
recipients.
>
> The ant loses the case.
>
> The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the
ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the
ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't
> maintain it.
>
> The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a
drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang
of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican

Sorry to all my Democrat friends out there, but when I got this today, I laughed myself silly, and man did I need to laugh!

Blonde on a train!

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked,
"Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting
backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across
from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

A shiny thing!

A blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object,
she asks, "What is that?"

The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."

The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
So she buys one.

The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond,
asks, "What is that shiny object?"

She replies "It's a thermos."

He asks, "What does it do?"

She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

He then asks, "What do you have in there?"

"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."


U.F.O

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned
about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big,
bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner
stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young,
blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the
two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled her eyes,
"Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course
I know what 'UFO' means - ....it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'."


Jamaica

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section.
The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't
have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and
I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica".

The stewardess gets the Head Stewardess who asks the woman to leave
and she again responds "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica".

The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.

The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up, apologizes and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .
. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

elena, that was good!

Some jokes can be so predictable, but man, I didn't expect that ending. LOLOL

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

George Bush's Answer:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.



Al Gore's Answer:
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.



Bill Gates' Answer:
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.



Martha Stewart's Answer:
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.



Dr. Seuss' Answer:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!



Ernest Hemingway's Answer:
To die. In the rain. Alone.



Martin Luther King Jr's Answer:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.



Grandpa's Answer:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.



Barbara Walters' Answer:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.



Ralph Nader's Answer:
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been pollutedby unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.



Jerry Seinfield's Answer:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"



Pat Buchanan's Answer:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.



Jerry Falwell's Answer:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that hicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side.".



John Lennon's Answer:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.



Aristotle's Answer:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Saddam Hussein's Answer:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.



Captain Kirk's Answer:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.




Bill Clinton's Answer I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?



The Bible's Answer:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.



Albert Einstein's Answer:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?



Sigmund Freud's Answer:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.



L.A.P.D.'s Answer:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.



Richard Nixon's Answer:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.



Buddha's Answer:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.



Joseph Stalin's Answer:
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.





Louis Farrakhan's Answer:The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.


The Pope's Answer:That is only for God to know.




Emily Dickenson's Answer:
Because it could not stop for death.



O.J. Simpson's Answer:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.




Colonel Sanders' Answer:
I missed one?