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#178108 - 04/09/04 12:25 AM
New Chuckles
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Power Poster
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 6,172
Further South than I wanna be.
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1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assalted. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant. 7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." 9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy. 10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." 12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before. 13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy" 14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 15. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel. 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 17. What do you call a fish with no eyes? .. A fsh
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Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.
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#178109 - 04/09/04 12:45 AM
Re: New Chuckles
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Power Poster
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 6,172
Further South than I wanna be.
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Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work. But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished -something's up! It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!" God is good!!!
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Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.
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#178111 - 04/09/04 02:41 PM
Re: New Chuckles
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Power Poster
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 3,626
State of confusion
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We have a weekly update of events that gets e-mailed to all employees and our admin. assistant is always looking for good jokes to tag on the end. The past month they have all come from the watercooler..... 
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Going to church doesn't make you a christian any more that standing in your garage makes you a car.
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#178113 - 04/09/04 04:29 PM
Re: New Chuckles
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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Yeah, the cows are really like that out here too... they're really happy... and they talk. 
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#178114 - 04/09/04 04:37 PM
Re: New Chuckles
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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If you think you're having a bad day...read these true stories!
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And finally.......
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
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#178116 - 04/09/04 04:49 PM
Re: New Chuckles
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Diamond Poster
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 1,454
metsuretsu
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They must have a summer home in India. 
_________________________
I have many opinions; some are good, some are bad, and some don't contradict.
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#178117 - 04/09/04 04:53 PM
Re: New Chuckles
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Anonymous
Unregistered
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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy S**t! A talking chicken!'" 
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#178120 - 04/09/04 08:15 PM
Re: New Chuckles
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Diamond Poster
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,245
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Quote:
Dang, Minnesooootans are noooo fun, eh.
I don't know about that - they elected a professional wrestler to be their governor! 
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