I have a 19 yr old son, who decided that he did not want to go to college after HS. So he has been working the last two years. Anyway, he just got his first girlfriend (GF), who is 16.

Here is the deal, GF's mom works with son. GF's mom introduced 19 yr old boy to 15 yr old (at the time) daughter and suggested that they start dating. Son is a fairly good kid, no problems with alcohol or drugs, never got in trouble at school or arrested once for simple tresspass (he and friends jumping off a railroad bridge). Son falls head over heels in love, GF is very nice looking. However, GF personality kind of sucks in my opinion, but as I told my son, nobody will ever be good enough for him in my eyes unless he is with someone who is like his mother.

Son and GF have been going together for 4 months, the third time he brings her to our house for dinner, we had to wait two hours to eat, because, she had to make cookies at home. They finally show up and we eat, then sit down to watch movie. Movie will last past her curfew, so son and GF (or should I say GF, decides that she doesn't want to spoil movie if she can't watch the whole thing at one sitting. Son tells us he is going downstairs, I assume that they are going to the kids toy/tv room, play video games, listen to music or whatever. Well I was wrong, took a load of laundry downstairs and I don't see them. I peek into his room and there they are in his bed, under the covers. Knowing how I can sometimes blow things out of proportion, I go back upstairs and tell the wife. She calls him upstairs and explains that is something that is not allowed in our house. Son gets upset, he and GF leave. Comes home and he and I talk, I explain that I consider their actions disresptful to his mom and I. He doesn't understand, thinks we are wrong.

Next night, tells me he wants to talk. Explains that my rules are to strict (let's see, not required to be home at any specific time, works full time, required to give mom $100.00 per month for rent and to call us on cell phone to let us know approximately what time he will be at home and were he is at) thinking about moving out. I say fine, move out. I don't want you to go, but if you feel that is best solution, leave. Door is always open if it doesn't work out, however, come back and live by my rules. Says he will think about it.

Next night, tells me he is moving out. I explain that I am not thrilled, but will not stop him. I could accept this a whole lot easier if I felt that he was making decisions on his own and not letting other influence his decisions. Gets a little heated at times, although I don't yell or scream he get upset. Calls GF (who called while we were talking) and during conversation they end up breaking up. Son tells his mom and I that she started saying things about him and us.

Fast forward to one week later and mother of GF chats with son online and tells him that he is weak and letting us dominate him. Tells him that he lost best thing that ever happened to him and it is all his fault because of his mother and I. Then goes on to tell him that she does not appreciate that we have not made her daughter feel welcome in our home and with the incident in the bedroom we treated her like a little ho. Son then caves in to her and says that she is right.

I know that I am in a no win situation. He is letting a certain area of his body do the thinking (and it isn't above the shoulders) and that GF's mom is the one to know all. By the way, GF's mom thinks that it is perfectly alright for them to go to her room, shut the door and make out. I realize that he is 19 and a young adult and if he wants to move out, I can't stop him. Me fear is that GF and her mom have so much control of his thought process that he will be driven away from his mother and I. Both of us have decided that no matter what happens, we will not compromise our beliefs or morals. If he shoves us out I the picture, I know that I can handle the hurt that will be caused, I just don't know how his mom will accept/handle it. My other fear is that their relationship has gone way beyond kissing and petting and I ain't ready to be a grandpa yet.

Any suggestions? Don't suggest beating some sense into him with a big stick, my wife has already cancelled that option out.

Seadevil

Well since the stick idea is out....(And I do like that idea) how about the hardest one? Just do what you're doing. Don't compromise your morals and be there for him, open door policy, when he needs you.

Kids are stupid and at 19 they will do stupid things. Fortunately he's not doing anything horribly stupid (drugs etc.). I'll bet you just about one million bucks that she'll break his heart, he'll realize he's stupid...and you'll have your son back, probably a better version.

You have to suffer through it though. But it's best to try not to alienate him now when stupid rules his brain You sound like good parents, reasonable and fair. He'll realize that some day (and with a girlfriend that young...probably sooner rather than later). Treat her with the coolness she deserves but don't be ugly (sounds like you haven't been despite her mom's comments). Keep your fingers crossed...she will be gone soon when he wises up

Oh and make sure he's using protection!!!!! It sounds like the girls mom won't help out here (she sounds like a horrible influence for a young girl) so be sure you protect him by encouraging him to protect himself!

Good luck!!! (and if that won't work...re-think the stick!)

I am not 100% sure of the law, but forget about being a grandpa - how about being the father of a kid in jail. I think you've done the right thing and I would explain that he is an adult and he can do what he wants...in his own apartment. I would be there for him as much as possible - tell him your concerns about teenage pregancy and even more than that, what happens to young adults in jail that are arrested for child molestation. Maybe I am wrong, maybea 19 year old having sex with a 16 yr old is legal in some states, but it damn well shouldn't be if it is.

I had that same thought Dave. I thought maybe it was legal there. Here it resulted in a young man going to jail recently. The girl lied about her age but he was still convicted. 19 and now on the sex offenders list for life...stupid stupid mistake!

ok...first off...I would buy a batch of condoms and explain that even though you don't think the behavior is acceptable...you can't be there holding his hand...at least you want him to be protected. This may go against your better judgement...but I still think it is good advice in this day and age. Kids get so bogged down on their parents rules. Kids need discipline, guidance, rules, friends, etc. They just don't think they need parents at these ages. Be sure to tell your son that you love him. He still needs to hear that. Verbally. Be understanding yet firm with the rules of your home. He may not like but will respect you later in life for your principles.

Now for the GF/Mother problem. Hmmmmmm....Maybe a talk about how he still has his whole life ahead of him with many opportunities to meet the "right" girl. She needs to finish school. She is still finding her place in life just like he is. So he didn't go to college. What about trade school? Night classes? What would he like to accomplish in life. Those are some of the things you are trying to help him discover and that being attached at the hip with a girl prohibits him from discovering the true person he really is. Try not to be condemning about the GF or mother. That will drive him that way more. Encourage him to move on...find a different job....get involved with some other friends...travel...see the world...whatever.

Hopefully he will see the light...and soon. Just don't make him choose between home and her. You both lose.

Dawnie,
Thinks for the kind words. Your suggestions are what my wife and I pland to do.

Cub Dave,
Trust me, he and I have had that conversation many times since he started dating her. I explained, no matter how cool you think her parents are, if you have sex with their daughter and the parents know, then prepare for the worst. If they get mad at you, you'll be sitting in front of a judge on stautory rape charges, found guilty and suffering for it for the rest of your life. By the way, where I live age of consent is 17. I have lived in a place where it was 14, couldn't understand that one.

Seadevil

Substitute my 15 (now 18) year old niece and her boyfriend and we're in the same boat. The situation started 3 years ago and continues (dropped out of high school / moved in with boyfriend and his mom). The only advice I can give you is to stick it out. My sister decided to lessen the standards so that my niece would move back home. She did and it was a nightmare. We make sure that the lines of communication are wide open, prepaid phone cards are given, toll free work numbers are given, and that she knows that she we will always love her and help her if she gets into a very bad jam (not the bills or a manicure). Of course, my sister's heart in shattered and, unfortunately, that's not something we can easily fix.

Best of luck to you and your wife - I hope it all works out for y'all.

I say if he wants to move out, let him. It'll take him maybe a month to figure out how "strict" you are. In any case, he's better off without the girl.

And if that room and board offer is still available at $100...let me know...I could really cut down on my expenses with a deal like that!!! I won't bring my boyfriend home either!

i think you're doing the best you can. It's hard to be his age, the world says you're a grown up, you're free to do what you want, but to be honest i didn't feel like i was ready to make real life decssions until i was like 23-24. so i bet he's scared, confused and being bullied by this woman who sounds verbally abusive, i feel for the poor girl too, i mean honestly she's to young to really understand what's at work here. I think one suggestion, though much easier said than done would be for your son to get another job away from the mother. she worries me, why is she pressuring them to be together? i feel for you, i was in my younger days in a verbally abusive relationship, and my mother did everything she could to get me to see the light of day... i know how much it hurt her when i just couldn't see it. (though eventually i did, Thank God). So i will pray for you, your wife and your family! Keep showing and telling him that you love him.

I agree - stand your ground! In a few years he will realize what a good dad you are.

By the way, Snowqueen, I'd make him buy his own darned condoms!

Well, we had a big talk last night. Probably the best talk that we've had in a while. Before we got into the serious stuff, I told him that being 19 yrs old, its time to stand up for his own opinions and not worry about trying to please me. I told him that I may not agree, but I didn't thing he would always agree with mine.

We went over a lot of things that have been said by the GF and her mom. We went over how it seems that the GF's mom continues to stir the pot. Everything is taken from my perception. He understood why I felt the way I did, thought that I was taking some things the wrong way, but could see why. I also told him that I knew from the time that they broke up, he would get back together with her and that her mom would be right in the middle. I also told him that his mother and I have been married for 22 years, and the reason being is that besides love, we respect it other, neither tries to dominate the other and that neither of our parents got involved in our lives. If he continued to see this girl or any other girl and they were to marry and his MIL is like the GF's mom now, stand by because your life is going to be H#$%. I think he got the message, although GF still has a major influence right now. I told him to move out when he is ready, if it doesn't work out, he is more than welcome to come back home, BUT if you come home, you have to follow the same rules as everyone else.

I told the wife everything we talked about, I think she might feel a little better now. OH BY THE WAY, I talked to my son about the sex issue. I flat out asked him about protection and I also got a little personnel and asked him when (I just wanted to see if I was right when it happened. Told my wife it was during spring break when her parents weren't home.) Anyway, they did use protection, condom for him, pill for her. Yes, her mother put her on the pill, when she was 14, my jaw hit the floor. I told the boy no matter what, use the condom, don't go by her word. Also, he told me that the night they had sex (I was wrong on the day, but right on everything else) her mom told her if this was ready to go all the way, mom and dad would be out for the night until such and such time. I almost passed out. What kind of mom contributes to her daughters sexual relationship. Needless to say, I explained to my son that no matter how cool he may think her mom is, if it ever gets to the point that she can no longer control him, she just might get mad enough to have charges pressed.

Thanks for all the advice and the prayers. I know that we'll get through this, it is just nice to have someplace to sound off.

Dawnie,
I don't think the wife would go for another women in the house.

Seadevil

That seals it - I'm not having children.

Quote:

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I don't think the wife would go for another women in the house.

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Well darn! I had already cut you a check for $100!

But seriously...you handled things so well! I'm glad to hear it went ok. Stuff like this is so hard for parents. I don't envy you at all when I hear stories like this.

Jokerman...DITTO!!!! heh heh

Glad to hear the discussion went so good for you. Communication is so important. Sounds like your approach was as a friend along with being a parent. That makes such a difference on how the relationship will go.

Now that you have picked your jaw up off the floor...the GF's mother isn't the only mother who has put her daughter on the pill at 14. My 20 year old daughter knew of lots of girls at that age who were on the pill. (Mine wasn't one of them.)

I bet you really feel a tremendous amount of relief by just having that talk!

It took me a while to reply, cause I wanted to put some thought into this. This story sounds awefully familiar, because the same type of thing happened to my sister. I hate to disagree with my parents, but my mom handled it badly, and my sister wound up pregnant (at 15 none the less).
You have made the right decision. Stick with it. My mom, very much like this girl's mom, was trying to be too much of a friend and not a mom. Parents are parents for a reason. Good luck, and I'm sure everything will work out. (Incidently, my sister and my mom finally did straighten out, and my mom is behaving like a parent again)

Anon - I'm glad you had a talk with your son and it sounds like you handled it extremely well - no strangulation, no sticks involved - yeah, extremely well. Teenagers can be so hard on parents and marriages. All you can do is pray they hear you and that they make good decisions.

I have to comment on the 14 year old pill issue - please don't judge all mothers when their young teenage daughters are on the pill (although I believe in Anon's saga the mother had her on the pill for obvious reasons). My daughter was on the pill when she was about that age but it was because of severe acute anemia. Her blood count was dangerously low and she was hospitalized and was given a transfusion. The doctor put her on the pill to regulate her so she would quit "bleeding to death". Stupid me, it happened so gradually I didn't recognize the signs that there was something really wrong with her. When I filled her presciption at the drugstore, the mom of someone she goes to school with was there. I was terrified she would overhear what type of prescription I was filling and would think the worst! I found out my niece has the same type of thing happen and she has been on the pill since she was about sixteen. Apparently runs in the family.

Most kids, and many parents for that matter, don't realize that kids want dicipline and guidance. The morals and values that you are showing your son not only will help him through his current situation, they are the values that he will keep into his adulthood. That's what scares me about the gf's family situation. I don't know what that mother is thinking (or if she is thinking) but this girl is bound to have the mother's values (or lack of). We don't really know all of the details of her home life but how does the mother feel about men? How about becoming a parent at a young age? Does she feel resentful to either of these topics because of her past? (I know, it might be a stretch) The daughter is likely to have the same opinions. Your son should be aware that he doesn't have to have the same beliefs as this girl and that it's OK. He is lucky to have such a solid foundation and family life because he may be dragged into a bad situation, he may actually end up a good influence on the GF, or he may stand on his own and move on. No matter what he does, it is all influenced by what he is taught at home.

I know this doesn't just resolve overnite. My formerly dumb son is now 27. He did move out, and make mistakes, and there was more than one unfavorable GF. Standing back and letting him make his own choices knowing the probably outcome was the hardest thing his father and I had ever done. That's the final exam in parenting, you know. Rely with good faith on the lessons you taught him all his life and pray that he'll impliment them without falling off life's bike too hard or too often.

Post Script: He's now the father of the most adorable happy little girl. And I'm hearing his father (and me) come out of his mouth to her more times than you'd believe!

I would rather a 14 year old be on the pill than pregnant.

Unfortuantely that is not always your option. It's like saying you don't need to teach your kids to swim because you told them not to go near the water...if you know they could get in the water, you better teach them to swim. Even if you still tell them not to do it, or you'd rather they didnt' do it...I think with all of the issues today I would rather be safe than have them pregnant or DEAD.

When did this become about a 14 year old on the pill? The fact that her mother is encouraging this speaks volumes on lack of child rearing capabilities and insane peer pressure, etc., ad nauseum! Hormones and rebellion are the bottom line here. And I stand by my statement. You've raised him as best you can. You can't insulate him against the world.

Who says Dads can't have huge (justifiable) fears about the baby bird leaving the nest?!

My son did the same thing when he was a junior in high school and it ruined his senior year. He failed and had to go to summer school, he dropped out of sports, could've gotten a basketball scholarship. And yes the girl did break his heart. He found out the hard way. He was not listening to us ( his parents) or any other adult for that matter. So he ruined it on himself.
He did become a better person however, and apologized to me and my husband and realizes what a big mistake he made. That was 4 years ago. Now he has his own business and has a wonderful girlfriend.
Just keep up whatever you're doing, by sticking to your morals and values and if he wants to accept that and live home he will, if not he has to fall on his face all by himself.
Hopefully he will learn and grow from his experinece and be a better man.