Learn More - Click Here!

Thread Options
#1858982 - 10/07/13 02:23 PM time to request fmla?
Phoenix Offline
Platinum Poster
Phoenix
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 832
southeast
tough to write.

in midst of divorce. Still living with estranged spouse and watching him do various things to intimidate me and flat out scare me. Scared to pack in front of him, and I have no where to move (yet - I have looked at several apartments but not yet signed a lease). Although I have set aside some stuff into piles, "my" stuff is still all over the house.

Doing the job of 2-3 people at work, too, with no backup, and that situation is unlikely to change for a few months at least. Can't work at home and skip a lengthy commute while spouse is at work due to faulty technology.

is it time for me to request a 4-6 week FMLA leave of absence so I can work with movers to pack and move? Thanks
_________________________
From the end spring new beginnings.
Pliny the Elder

Return to Top
#1858990 - 10/07/13 02:43 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
#Just Jay Offline
10K Club
#Just Jay
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 14,389
Cheeseheadland
Originally Posted By: Phoenix
...Still living with estranged spouse and watching him do various things to intimidate me and flat out scare me. Scared to pack in front of him, and I have no where to move (yet - I have looked at several apartments but not yet signed a lease). Although I have set aside some stuff into piles, "my" stuff is still all over the house.


I am not sure what your situation with kids is, so that may alter advice, but I watched my dad do the same thing to my mom.

At this point, stuff is stuff and it can be replaced (or dealt with during through the decree). The more time you spend in the situation in your home, the worse it will be for you.

At this point, you need to escape the verbal and emotional abuse before it progresses into something more. Now is not the time to find the perfect place. You just need to find a small place near work that takes care of your immediate needs (shelter, safety, room for kids/pets, affordability) and get it on a short term lease (three months, six months) if you can. Your priority right now it to get out, not to get set up.

Once you have done that I also suggest finding, either with the help of a therapist or clergy, a local support group that focuses on spouses in verbally and emotionally abusive relationships.

Once you have found your footing, then go head and seek out a home better suited to your tastes and needs, but in the meantime, you just need to get out. It will be better and healthier for both of you in the long run. The longer you stay in that environment, the more power you continue to give him.
_________________________
I don't repeat gossip, so listen closely...

Return to Top
#1859017 - 10/07/13 03:37 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
Phoenix Offline
Platinum Poster
Phoenix
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 832
southeast
no kids, and I'm letting spouse have all pets. spouse will actually take reasonably good care of them (although he does give some too many treats to the point that they're obese).

Just Jay - interesting suggestion! in an urban area, short term leases are probably ridiculously expensive, but it may be the solution here.
_________________________
From the end spring new beginnings.
Pliny the Elder

Return to Top
#1859020 - 10/07/13 03:42 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
thomasj Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 5,062
Pennsylvania
Been there and done that. Jay is right, you need to get yourself out of that situation. Take what things are near and dear to you and find your own place.

I stayed for over 3 months and they were the most stressful 3 months in my entire life. She did everything she could to make my life miserable including trying to start fights with me in front of the kids and making false police reports claiming I verbally threatened her (I never did and was never even contacted by the police).

Your well being is much more important than things. Make a detailed list of the things you are leaving behind (wish I had) and take video of them and their condition. You will get your chance to settle for those things later - but be prepared because it could be much later if the divorce drags out.

I know it's hard leaving, especially if you feel you did nothing wrong but in the long run it will be the best thing you can do for yourself.
_________________________
Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.

Return to Top
#1859055 - 10/07/13 04:30 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
MollyMacMe Offline
100 Club
MollyMacMe
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 123
OH
I am so sorry to hear about your situation, Phoenix. I agree with the advice you've been given - get away as soon as you can.

As far as asking for FML, I'm not sure your situation qualifies under the FMLA. Even if it did, the leave would probably be unpaid - that's a tough way to go. Here is a link to to give you the qualifying conditions under the FMLA:

http://www.dol.gov/whd/regs/compliance/whdfs28f.pdf

Perhaps you are referring to a "leave of absence". Qualifying conditions for a LOA depend on your company's HR policies. And, unless you work for a fabulous company, if they grant you the leave, it might be unpaid.

Phoenix, I wish you the best of luck. I've been in your shoes many years ago, and it was very hard to manage all the issues. In hindsight, I don't think I did a great job. But, the sooner you leave, the clearer things will get for you. I have added you to my prayer list...take care.
_________________________
The views, opinions, & judgments expressed here are mine. The contents have not been reviewed or approved by my employer.

Return to Top
#1859090 - 10/07/13 05:30 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
E.E.G.B Offline
Power Poster
E.E.G.B
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 6,726
the sandy shore
I'm so sorry to hear this.

You didn't mention if your boss is aware of the situation - if not, I would schedule a closed-door meeting with him / her to discuss your situation. There may be some work-arounds that can happen to help you out.

Anything that is important to you (valuable, sentimental, evidence) I would absolutely take with you when you go. Even if you have to put it in temporary storage or move it into your cube / office in the meantime. If you can move some things slowly on the downlow before hand, do that.

Once you start getting ready to get gone, I'd do that as quickly as you can. If he's already messing with you and you're scared to pack in front of him, you need to get out as quickly as possible - like in a day and preferably a day when he is not around (Columbus Day is coming up - that's often a bank holiday but not for other people......)

Best of luck to you. In the end, your safety is what really matters.
_________________________
I disbelieved what he was saying so hard, I probably created an alternate universe where it wasn't true.

Return to Top
#1859120 - 10/07/13 06:11 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
CheshireAliCat Offline
100 Club
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 125
NJ
A quick getting out is definitely called for. Small loads smuggled into the car or to work. Grand finale of big packing - Sick day! Might be best to leave the house to go to "work" and wait for him not to be home...

*Edited to add "Good luck!"
Last edited by CheshireAliCat; 10/07/13 06:13 PM.
Return to Top
#1859136 - 10/07/13 06:37 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
HDavidson Offline
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 33
where the green grass shows
Most companies offer EAP (Employee Assistance Program), a free benefit that may offer counseling, even if it is short-term. They may be able to provide additional support to help you through what will undoubtedly be a rough time. Best of luck through all of this!

Return to Top
#1859148 - 10/07/13 06:49 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
manimal Offline
Diamond Poster
manimal
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,207
Deleted
I think alerting your boss (or HR, whomever you feel more comfortable with) is a good idea. If things get bad and your soon-to-be-ex shows up at your office, someone needs to know to call the police. I really hope that doesn't happen, but I worked at an office where one of the employees was being stalked by her ex, and we all knew his car model/plates in case he showed up. Again, that is a worst-case-scenario, and I really hope it doesn't come to that, but if you do end up having to take a day or two off suddenly, it might be good for someone at your institution to know what's going on.

Wishing you the very best. The sooner you can get out of there, the better off you will be. smile
_________________________
We're all here 'cause we've lost control.

Innerpartysystem

Return to Top
#1859152 - 10/07/13 06:54 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
HappyGilmore Offline
10K Club
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 19,312
Pulling people out of the ditc...
Not sure if you have contacted an attorney in this process, but if so, then let your attorney know you are scared to pack in front of the spouse and get out, you can elaborate with the attorney to the full extent (we don't need to know) and they may arrange a suitable time to pack and remove your items with police or court appointed presence for this to happen. If you haven't contacted an attorney yet, do so ASAP.

In Louisiana, you can't file for divorce until you have lived apart for 6 months and have not had "relations" during that 6th month period. Not sure about your state, but as long as you are there, you really aren't in the process of divorce.

Agree with having a discussion with your immediate supervisor. If you are a valuable employee and you have a smart boss, you'd be surprised how much they will bend over backwards to provide assistance. Heck, you may find your bank has an employee fund to provide short term financial assistance - ours does.
_________________________
Providing alternative truths since the invention of time

Return to Top
#1859182 - 10/07/13 07:30 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
Phoenix Offline
Platinum Poster
Phoenix
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 832
southeast
My attorney and I agreed with all of you, so I'll act on this ASAP. I've told my supervisor some, and I think I need to share this escalation with him too.
_________________________
From the end spring new beginnings.
Pliny the Elder

Return to Top
#1859762 - 10/09/13 01:50 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
Phoenix Offline
Platinum Poster
Phoenix
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 832
southeast
update: left with a carload of my stuff and am okay. Yesterday he emailed me requesting my new address and that confirmed I'd made the right decision to leave. There's no reason for him to know where I am.

Thanks for all of your advice. Very slowly my brain is clearing enough to both work and take the steps needed to get onto the next phase of my life.
_________________________
From the end spring new beginnings.
Pliny the Elder

Return to Top
#1859783 - 10/09/13 02:26 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
MyBrainHurts Offline
Platinum Poster
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 960
Illinois
I'm sure that first step took a lot of courage, and I commend you for doing it. I hope all goes well for you going forward.
_________________________
I thought getting old would take longer.

Return to Top
#1859785 - 10/09/13 02:29 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
thomasj Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 5,062
Pennsylvania
Get a PO Box. That way you can forward your mail and have a way for the legal paperwork that is to come to get to you securely.

Also, let HR know what is happening. If he starts harassing you at work or if you get served with legal papers at work, it's best that they know up front what is going on.

Good luck. It is a very difficult journey, but in the end you will be stronger and happier.
_________________________
Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.

Return to Top
#1859799 - 10/09/13 02:42 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
E.E.G.B Offline
Power Poster
E.E.G.B
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 6,726
the sandy shore
Good for you. Hang in there, you are doing what you have to do to protect yourself.
_________________________
I disbelieved what he was saying so hard, I probably created an alternate universe where it wasn't true.

Return to Top
#1861183 - 10/11/13 09:27 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
cheekEE Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 4,594
Easy Street
Best of luck. You can do this. smile
_________________________
Some days good karma isn't worth the hassle.

Return to Top
#1861238 - 10/13/13 02:57 AM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
Dip Offline
Power Poster
Dip
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 6,298
San Diego, CA
No tiem to read all the above.

My two cents...
Get an escort to come over when you pack. Maybe see if volunteer police can do it.
Get out...friend, coworker, extended stay America.
FMLA I think requires medical note. see a psychology dept?
_________________________
Dabbling in banking, law, accounting...the life of a trustee.

Return to Top
#1861499 - 10/15/13 06:05 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
Neytiri Offline
Platinum Poster
Neytiri
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 645
Pandora
And I would change my email address and cell phone number.

Return to Top
#1861608 - 10/15/13 07:53 PM Re: time to request fmla? Phoenix
Beagles22 Offline
Power Poster
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 3,626
State of confusion
Congrats on getting out of the house!! I was in your shoes, I know how hard it all is, and that you will need a great support system even now. I agree with the PO box. He does need to have somewhere to forward papers and mail, but no need for your physical address. Join a support group, sooner than later, and be greatful there are no children involved. With a scary/violent/mean person that would just be more ammunition with which to hurt you. God bless!!!
_________________________
Going to church doesn't make you a christian any more that standing in your garage makes you a car.

Return to Top

Moderator:  Andy_Z, John Burnett