Some Corny Jokes:

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
would kill you?
A pool table.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Here are a couple of addenda on the last one:

What's the difference between a bagpipe and a chainsaw?
You can tune a chainsaw.

How do you get two bagpipers in tune?
Shoot one.

ROFL

That was exactly what I needed...I had to stop halfway to dry my glasses.

I thought this was pretty funny. It Has sound, but isn't necessary..

Dig,
Agreed, it's funny. Gives new meaning to Coyote Ugly.

Dawnie, those were so funny. I was sitting here at my desk laughing out loud. I know those around me think I am crazy.

That was a good one! I just had 1/2 the bank at my desk watching it!

Dumb Quotes:

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
--Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal antismoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
--John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
--Joe Theisman, Former NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people,"
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

Actually, the "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." quote is from Dan Quayle, not Clinton.

http://www.quotationspage.com/subjects/failure/

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the he** away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking!

I needed that!

elena,

An 85 yr. old man gets his hands on some viagra and goes to town. He makes it with prostitute after prostitue. He ends his night with his fantasy...a blonde, a brunette and a redhead at the same time. The next day, he goes to confession. "Father", he says, "Last night, I had sex with 6 different women and had 3 at once, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead." The priest asks him if he's sorry for his sins, to which he replied, "What sins?" Taken aback by the response, the priest mutters, "What kind of catholic are you?" The man states, matter-of-factly, "I'm not catholic, I'm Baptist." The priest asks, "Well, why are you telling me these things then?" The man smiles and says, "I'm telling everybody!"

One more...

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then, he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then, we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling
me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress.

God decides to change the rules, and says that to get into heaven, you must have died in a really bad way.

So the first guy in line at the gates is talking to St. Peter, and he says:
"I just got fired from my job. I came home early, and heard noises that sounded like my wife with another man. I ran into the room, and found her in bed and a pile of clothes next to the bed. I ran around the house screaming trying to find the guy. Nothing. Then I went out onto the balcony, and saw a naked guy hanging over the edge. Well, I stomped on his fingers until he fell. The stupid bushes broke his fall at the bottom, and he survived. I went crazy....I started pushing the refrigerator over the balcony...and it fell over the edge and killed him. I was so happy, I had a heart attack and died.
St. Peter says, "that sounds pretty bad, come on in."

The second guy shows up, and says "I had just gotten out of the shower, and started to exercise. I was feeling good, so I went out to the balcony to do some jumping jacks, when I slipped over the edge. I happen to grab the balcony below me. Then this crazy came out yelling, and jumped on my fingers until I fell. The bushes at the bottom happen to break my fall. THEN, the crazy pushed a refrigerator over the edge! Can you believe that! And that's how I died!

St. Peter says, come on in.

Then the third guys shows up.

He says, "ok, picture this: I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this
time, I will give you each a wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband!" said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and -
abracadabra! - Two tickets for the QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and
said: "Well this is all very romantic - but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime...so... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife - and the fairy - were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
So the Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! -

The husband became 92 years old.

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.


On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead!

Those were good. Here's another:

Welfare Office

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bull$hi++in' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

To those of us who have children in our lives,
> whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces,
> nephews, or students...here is something to make you
> chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control,
> you can take comfort from the thought that even
> God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children
> After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam
> and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
>
>
>
> "Don't what?" Adam replied.
>
>
>
> "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
>
>
>
> "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey
> Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
>
>
>
> "No Way!"
>
>
>
> "Yes way!"
>
>
>
> "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God
>
>
>
> "Why"
>
>
>
> "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God
> replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation
> after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God
> saw His children having an apple break and He was
> ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?"
> God asked.
>
>
>
> "Uh huh," Adam replied.
>
>
>
> "Then why did you?" said the Father.
>
>
>
> "I don't know," said Eve.
>
>
>
> "She started it!" Adam said
>
>
>
> "Did not!"
>
>
>
> "Did too!"
>
>
>
> "DID NOT!"
>
>
>
> Having had it with the two of them, God's
> punishment was that Adam and Eve should have
> children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and
> it has never changed.
>
>
>
>
>
> BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you
> have persistently and lovingly tried to give
> children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be
> hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising
> children, what makes you think it would be a piece
> of cake for you?
>
>
>
>
> THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
> 1. You spend the first two years of their life
> teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the
> next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
>
>
>
>
> 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing
> your own children.
>
>
>
>
> 3 Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat
> their young.
>
>
>
> 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they
> usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have
> said.
>
>
>
>
> 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
> is to remind yourself that there are children more
> awful than your own.
>
>
>
>
> 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still
> getting in.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They
> will choose your nursing home one day.
>
>
>
>
> AND FINALLY:
>
>
>
> IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A
> HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
>
>
>
> "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM
> CHILDREN"!!!!!