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#1960879 - 09/10/14 06:12 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Bankbb1, PITA Offline
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Bankbb1, PITA
Joined: Aug 2004
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The Sovereign State Of Oklahom...
Thanks. smile
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#1960894 - 09/10/14 06:32 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
waldensouth Offline
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FINALLY ABOVE the gnat line
Will she understand that she's moving? My Heart goes out to you BBB. Just keep telling her you love her..
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#1960896 - 09/10/14 06:34 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
QCL Offline
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NW IL
By the time we moved my grandmother (who I lived with as a child & felt very much like a parent to me) she was confused more often than not.

It became a game of sorts. She thought that we were back at the farm when were in actually in the main room of the nursing home Alz. wing. She and I would stare out the windows of the room waiting for "grandpa to come in from planting the fields." My grandpa went and sat with her every day. In the beginning she would only eat if he was there.

They will steal from each other in the ward. The problem is, they can't remember if the object (shoes, glasses, TEETH!) belong to them or to someone else. It happens.

The first week, my Grandma tried to talk the other residents into an escape plan. It never came to fruition. Mostly because she forgot what they were supposed to be doing. Laughter is what got us through in the beginning, BBB1. Laugh often, play along with the other residents on the floor. Find joy in the little moments.

Every time you leave, your heart will ache. And that is OK. Visit. Sit with her, even when she doesn't want you there or know you. Just be there.

God, I wish you didn't have to travel this path. My eyes are all weepy at the suckyness of it. I'll be with you in prayer.

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#1960903 - 09/10/14 06:36 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
JWills, CRCM Offline
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The Mitten State
Thinking of you BBB.
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#1960904 - 09/10/14 06:37 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
MyBrainHurts Offline
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Illinois
BBB1, I don't think anyone has this figured out. You can tell her it best for her to be where she'll get good care, but if she's just in the early stages of dementia, she's not going to be pleased. It must be really hard on the old folks to know the road they are on.
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#1960917 - 09/10/14 06:46 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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Or you can chose to not try to explain the dementia part of where she's going and just tell her you found a great place for her to live. You're largely trying to explain it for yourself because she won't understand it to the degree you will.

Yes, it sux as QCL says. There's no getting around it. We're here to support and pray and love you through it, Mr. ((hugs))

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#1961052 - 09/10/14 09:29 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Bankbb1, PITA Offline
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The Sovereign State Of Oklahom...
She is more advanced. She does not actually know where she lives most of the time. She knows me sometimes, other times not. She probably knows my daughter Taylor more consistantly than anyone else. She sometimes think she is visiting a hotel (mom and dad have a fairly large home). She likes the nurse that stays during the day, but she gets mad at dad a lot (common symptom of dementia). She mostly sits and stares but she sometimes liek to fold things. She gets confused easily and has wondered off a number of times. We have found her each time within a few hours, but I am concerned with winter coming. She is very frail now and it would only take about 20 minutes of temps below 35 for her to succumb to hypothermia.
It is absolutely time for her to be in a care facility and dad cannot keep this up, even with help from me, my daughter, my other half and even my ex. There is one less that 2 miles from their house that is extremely nice and that specializes in Alzheimers and Dementia patients. They come well recommended although it is very, very, expensive even with the insurance.
It is time. It just sucks.
Thank you all for the support, prayers and thoughts. Most of you are a long way off, but in my heart you are right here. You'll never know how much it helps. Thanks. smile
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#1961107 - 09/11/14 01:04 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
JWills, CRCM Offline
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The Mitten State
Hang in there BBB--I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. It is never an easy road.
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Nonsense wakes up the brain cells.

--Dr. Seuss

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#1961147 - 09/11/14 02:18 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
basilring Offline
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Spartan Country!
My father-in-law is at the beginning stages of Alzheimers. My husband is at their house today "giving his mom a break"... which she asked for. Doc said no driving, no cooking and no more tools. 2 days ago he was in the garage saying he will use any tool he da** well pleases and the doc doesn't need to know. He's done the same with cooking. Driving he's upset about and verbalizes, but hasn't tried to do it anyway.

I know it's tough bb1... but I am thankful there is a facility close by that fits the needs and your family is able to do it. I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers.
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#1961149 - 09/11/14 02:19 PM Re: Caring for our parents JWills, CRCM
TINKerBell Offline
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(((hugs))) to you BB1. Prayers for strength for you and your family..
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#1961164 - 09/11/14 02:42 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Bankbb1, PITA Offline
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The Sovereign State Of Oklahom...
Thanks again everyone, and prayers for those of you that are enduring similar, and even worse, situations.

I know God has never given me or my family more than we can handle and we can handle this. smile
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#1961181 - 09/11/14 03:06 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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Mom got hit by some bug on Tuesday that left her shaking like a leaf. She's still weak today and caught in that vicious cycle of not wanting to eat but not getting better unless she does. Scared the begeesus out of me. Going up and down the stairs to check on her over the last two days reminded me of you, BB, and how lucky I am that my mom lives with me and I can keep her close. ((hugs)) to you, my dearest friend. Would that I could make it just a teeny bit easier for you.

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#1961273 - 09/11/14 05:01 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Bankbb1, PITA Offline
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The Sovereign State Of Oklahom...
Hoping she gets better and glad you are close.
And you do make it easier my sweet friend. smile
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#1961475 - 09/12/14 01:31 PM Re: Caring for our parents Bankbb1, PITA
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Quote:
The first week, my Grandma tried to talk the other residents into an escape plan


QCL...I would have loved to have known your grandma!!! smile

FWIW, I think you put things into as good of a perspective as I ever could have experiencing this with my Mom and Aunt.

BBB1 and TR...I feel for you...the path you are heading down is like unchartered waters. Hold on to your compass and hang in there the best you can.
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#1961484 - 09/12/14 01:49 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
QCL Offline
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Thanks Joker.
She was an amazing woman. I've got her eulogy saved on facebook somewhere. It was the funniest speech I think I've ever given smile it had to be. That was her.

Another thought BBB1 if I may...there will be times that we would go to the nursing home to see my grandma and she didn't want to see us. And so we would visit or walk the halls with other residents. Once a lady said to me, "Do I know you? Am I supposed to know you? Can I get to know you, for today? Will you walk with me?" and so we did. This lady that I had never seen before and I, we walked the halls.

Another thought, is thoughts. My grandma would get into thought loops. She used to walk 3 miles every morning when she was healthy. And there would be times that they could not get her to stop the walking "loop." She would finish her "walk," up and down the halls, not remember that she had walked, and start walking again. Thought loops happen, and sometimes they will frustrate both of you.

I lost the grandmother that I knew 7 years before she died. It was up to me to enjoy the new person that God put in front of me, however I could, for however long I could.

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#1961493 - 09/12/14 02:04 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
MyBrainHurts Offline
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My MIL gets in those thought loops. She will ask the same question over and over, or get fixated on a petty grievance with the staff or her roommate, and can't move on to any other topic.

There's a sweet old lady named Ann Marie in my MIL's nursing home that cries constantly because she misses her daughter. She'll reach out for your hand and ask if you've seen her daughter. It's so sad. She's heartbroken.
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#1961505 - 09/12/14 02:25 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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The saddest part is that Ann Marie may not even realize when she's holding that very daughter's hand. I ran the business office in a nursing home when I tried to run away from banking and there was a lady there just like Ann Marie. Her daughter was religious in her visiting but Ann Marie must have fixated on her daughter at a different point of her life so, in her mind, she never came.

QCL, your faith amazes me. I wonder how God could do this to anyone but you speak of loving the person He put in front of you. I'll need to come back to that sentence more often...thank you.

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#1961520 - 09/12/14 02:43 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Bankbb1, PITA Offline
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The Sovereign State Of Oklahom...
You are so right about there being a new person. Other than attitude (ornery), my mom has been gone for a little while now. I think that is harder for dad, becasue he can only relate to the woman he knew for 53 years.
We had dinner last night for my dad's 82nd birthday and mom was having a pretty good day. She knew who I was (with a little help) and participated in the conversation without too much in the way of inappropriate comments. (if she frustrated with dad, she will tell him to shove it up his.....) But mostly she laughed and engaged some. It is always a calculated risk to take her out, but a friend owns a very nice German restaraunt with a private room and he was good enough to let us use it. This lets us avoid mom interacting with strangers in an inappropriate manner. That is to say that her "filter" no longer works and whatever thought hits her will come right out.
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#1961525 - 09/12/14 03:06 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
RR Joker Offline
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My son used to get kind of bored when he would go with me to visit mama...for a time, she had one of those fancy motorized 'riding toys'...uber wheelchair thingys...He used to appease the other men there by accepting their wheelchair race challenges down the hallways...it was hilarious...a bit dangerous...but to my knowledge no one died...if they did..it was by heartattack while having too much fun! grin
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#1961573 - 09/12/14 04:00 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Bankbb1, PITA Offline
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The Sovereign State Of Oklahom...
I suspect my mom's thing at the facility (at least the one we are looking at) will be the piano. They have a very nice baby grand like mom's and she still likes to play. We shall see.
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#1961595 - 09/12/14 04:26 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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That would be wonderful for all of you, BB!

The problem is, it's hard for all of those around to still be seeing the person who is really no longer behind that familiar face. Often, they're in a place their children or grandchildren never even knew, like QCL's grandmother on the farm.

I thank God everyday that Mom is just deaf and old and somewhat ornery. And I come back here to remind myself how lucky I am that she is.

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#1961605 - 09/12/14 04:50 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
QCL Offline
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NW IL
You know, TR, once my grandma was convinced that she was 6 and looking all over for her brother Donald. (Who had just passed away days before this incident) She was laying in bad and anxious because she "was 6 and little and needed to get on the bus and Donald was lost." So I took her hands and told her to close her eyes and we would find Donald together. And she described for me what he was wearing that day. I told her that she had to close her eyes and think real hard. For whatever reason that day, it worked. And she slept.

Where my other family members kept trying to argue with her, I played along. She took such good care of me for 30 years at that point, that I owed it to her to.

BBB1, she is not the disease. And I LOVE that she is missing the filter on her mouth and you can still find joy in that.

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#1961614 - 09/12/14 05:19 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Bankbb1, PITA Offline
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The Sovereign State Of Oklahom...
You are so right about not arguing! I always just go with the flow. For one thing, you cannot win an "argument"" with a dementia patient. Arguing with them assumes that you are on the same plane and you are not. But my big thing is that at this stage of her life, it is about trying to provide the best quality of life she can have. Sure she wants to fight when it comes time to shower or brush her teeth or go to the bathroom. But there are always ways around that where you dont have to upset them. It just takes a little longer. And thats ok, they are not on our time table, they are on theirs.
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#1961632 - 09/12/14 05:48 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
basilring Offline
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Spartan Country!
This is my husbands problem right now... his dad is in an argumentative stage... and he wants to argue back or try to correct him.

I've said different versions of 'enjoy the person he is now'... and I will keep trying...
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#1961633 - 09/12/14 05:49 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Sunshine Lady Offline
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My father-in-law calls thinks my husband is his brother, so we just go with the flow. The less agitation and confusion makes life easier for us. I have encouraged my husband not to engage him in an "argument" because five minutes later, he does not remember what they were supposed to be arguing about. When he is lucid, he can still laugh at himself about some of the things he does. It lightens the tension we all feel because there is nothing we can do to stop the progression.
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