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#194978 - 05/27/04 10:02 PM Dear Alcohol (must reading prior to Happy Hour)
Paragon Offline
Diamond Poster
Paragon
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 2,164
Dear Alcohol:

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game and you're even around at the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, as outlined below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal but why do you suggest that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie & some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase "Let's ****" is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acne face; bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are those people so appealing to me while I'm with you & why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off?

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday, 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you from your biggest fan.

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#194979 - 05/28/04 04:01 PM Re: Dear Alcohol (must reading prior to Happy Hour)
Bank on it Offline
100 Club
Bank on it
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 105
New York
Quote:


2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal but why do you suggest that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie & some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.




This one is fantastic! How true, how true...

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#194980 - 05/28/04 05:00 PM Re: Dear Alcohol (must reading prior to Happy Hour)
Pup Offline
Power Poster
Pup
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,045
Pedaling along a scenic highwa...
very nice.

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#194981 - 06/01/04 08:38 PM Re: Dear Alcohol (must reading prior to Happy Hour)
J2C Offline
Diamond Poster
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 1,475
Big Brother knows and that's a...
Paragon- this is great.....and is right on target!

LMAO
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#194982 - 06/01/04 10:08 PM Re: Dear Alcohol (must reading prior to Happy Hour)
Skunk Boy Offline
Diamond Poster
Skunk Boy
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 1,896
R.I.P. Chief Illiniwek
Favorite quotes from the Simpsons regarding Booze:

Homer: The cause of....and solution to....all of life's problems!

Barney: My name is Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting.
Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?

Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.

Lenny: Ah, alcohol and night-swimming. It's a winning combination.

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old. Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk.
Homer: And how!

Homer: This is it. The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in, I'll have to quit drinking.
Homer's Liver: YAY.
Homer: Shut up, liver...
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#194983 - 06/01/04 10:49 PM Re: Dear Alcohol (must reading prior to Happy Hour)
HRH Dawnie Offline
Power Poster
HRH Dawnie
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 7,353
Anchorage Alaska
Quote:

Lenny: Ah, alcohol and night-swimming. It's a winning combination.





LOL So true! (I did it in highschool) Boys...don't climb over the chain link fence without protection of unmentionable areas
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Dawn Coursey VP/CRA Queen

CRA Rating is in...Oh who cares...I'm home with the baby.

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#194984 - 06/02/04 02:18 PM Re: Dear Alcohol (must reading prior to Happy Hour)
RR Jen Offline
Power Poster
RR Jen
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 3,759
Running and riding everywhere ...
LOL Dawnie! We didn't have too many problems with chain link fences in SW Missouri, it was those darned electric fences across the pasture between the gravel road and the creek that got us in the dark!
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I don't need any more negativity in my life...be positive and helpful people or I will kick you in the shins!!!

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