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#2052197 - 12/02/15 10:52 PM Re: Caring for our parents Skittles
Peach Offline
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Out West
Because God figured you needed something that made you laugh "even though". Laughter and love are wonderful balms to the soul.

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#2052945 - 12/08/15 01:59 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Skittles Offline
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Skittles
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TN
They are burying my ex mother-in-law this morning. She passed away unexpectedly on Friday. My son lost two grandparents in less than two weeks. My mother is the only one he has left now.
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#2052948 - 12/08/15 02:04 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Soccer Offline
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Utopia
Skittles:
Sorry for your recent losses. Prayers to you and your family.
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#2059133 - 01/15/16 10:40 PM Re: Caring for our parents GenerousLife
GenerousLife Offline
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USA
Updating this post from 2014. Mom has now been living in an Assisted Living facility for 17 months. I see her every day and have a good rapport with the staff. Mom now takes better care of her appearance, but she is still feisty about certain things. Her health continues to trend down. The worry about her every hour of the day is much relieved by my confidence in the staff. She is much more social than before and Bingo is very much a favorite activity. The time was right and it was a good move.

On a sad note, my brother-in-law passed away in late 2014.

We are now empty-nesters again. A real adjustment.
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#2065304 - 02/22/16 06:26 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
HRH Okie Banker Offline
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Oklahoma
I broached the subject of assisted living to my mother last weekend. She will be 79 this fall and is still very adamant about mowing and taking care of her own lawn and not just "sitting around" and letting someone else take care of it. It is harder since she is almost 2 hours away from me. My brother lives very close but is not a very good caretaker. I think, maybe, its for my own peace of mind that I want her in assisted living, which isn't fair.
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#2065306 - 02/22/16 06:32 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
DEL Offline
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Maine
Okie Banker, there are steps between staying in your own home and assisted living. My parents moved into a retirement community - they had their own apartment, still had their car, etc. - but there were a lot more services available if they needed them. They moved when they were about 80, and noted that that seems to be a standard age when the extras (mowing, raking, etc.) start to weigh heavy. They were really happy with the move because that freed up all the energy they had been spending maintaining the house, for them to devote to other things they enjoyed like travel, socializing, church, etc. The great thing for us (their children) is that the retirement place is the "first responder" in an emergency. We never had to worry that one of them had fallen and couldn't get up, etc.

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#2065408 - 02/22/16 10:12 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
justsayjulie Offline
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back home again
DEL, I wish my parents were as open-minded. My dad is 85; Mom is 83. He's had both knees replaced and has a defibrillator in his chest in case his heart decides to skip too many beats. She is healthy as a horse, and is as stubborn as a mule. Three years ago my husband and our two little girls relocated to my hometown to be a mere 10 minutes from them, rather than 7 hours. They still live on the family farm, though all but 6 acres has been sold off to developers. The house is set back from the road and hidden by trees, so they're pretty isolated. The house has been robbed several times, most recently by meth users looking for quick cash. Fortunately, they've been away each time a break in has occurred. Dad insists on mowing with his zero turn mower, which gets hung up more often than not. He's fallen a couple of times, and she's had to call us to come help him up (no injuries, other than pride). I have suggested a lawn service, which they say will be too expensive and won't do the job right. I've hinted at moving, which was shot down immediately. I don't have siblings, so I feel lost as to how to respect their wishes yet keep my peace of mind about their safety and security.
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#2065409 - 02/22/16 10:15 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
edAudit Offline
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you need to remember that you are now the parent and they are the children. I do not know when or why that happens it just happens.
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#2065695 - 02/24/16 01:21 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Skittles Offline
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TN
Today is my mom's 91st birthday. I'm concerned it will be a sad day since it's her first birthday since losing dad in November; however she sounded pretty good this morning. My sister and her boyfriend are taking mom to dinner tonight. On Saturday we're going up and taking her to her parents gravesites and her sister's - and she doesn't know it but we're taking her to my son's house (about 15 minutes away from there) as a surprise. She's never seen it and I think she'll enjoy that.

HRH - been thinking about you a lot these last few days and wish I had some advice. Mom is 91 and living alone; however she can't drive any more or really do much of anything around the house - let alone mow. There are others that do these things for her. She doesn't want to go to assisted living unless she has to. She wants to stay at home.
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#2065753 - 02/24/16 04:42 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
hmdagal Offline
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My mom, too, is stubborn and wants to stay in her home. Fortunately she rents, but she has challenges that worry me. She's had a stroke which led to a number of other issues, and has fallen several times. Her most recent fall may have caused a second compression fracture in her back (2 doctors read the xray and had different opinions). Since that fall a few weeks ago she can't walk more than a few steps without having to sit, can't sit for more than 1/2 hour and has difficulties getting in and out of bed. I'd love to see her move to a retirement community.

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#2065778 - 02/24/16 05:17 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Skittles Offline
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TN
Sounds like she would benefit from that hmdagal. My mother would benefit for the social aspects right now since she's home by herself and can no longer drive. She just doesn't want to yet.
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#2066020 - 02/25/16 04:20 PM Re: Caring for our parents Skittles
RR Sarah Offline
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Up North
A year or so after my mom died, my dad moved to senior housing. He lived in a regular apartment but could transition to assisted living and then a nursing home if need be. Let me tell you, once he moved in the man became a social butterfly. If we wanted to reach him by phone it had to be before 7:30am or around dinnertime. Otherwise he was down playing cards and flirting with the ladies. smile He didn't have to worry about lawn care, home maintenance, real estate taxes, homeowners insurance, etc. He just lived.
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#2066071 - 02/25/16 06:03 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Truffle Royale Offline

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Two things jump out at me from the most recent posts.
First, I believe that we are never our parents' parents. imo, if you look at it that way you're bound to have trouble. You will ALWAYS be the child even when you are taking care of your parents. If you try to treat them like your child, I can guarantee all he// is going to break loose. Somehow you have to find a way to let them maintain their dignity and at least think they are making their own decisions even if you're leading them by the hand or handing them the pen to sign the acceptance on the offer to buy their house. Yes, it's hard. I struggle with it with my 89 year old mother on a daily basis. But she's still my Mom and she's not about to let me forget that fact, even as she takes my arm to walk into the store I've just driven her to.

Second, just think of the word you all use to describe where your parent wants to stay. They want to stay 'home'. As people age, they take comfort in things staying the same and being able to control their surroundings especially when their body and mind may be starting to act out on their own. Again, we have to find ways to make that possible without taking away their dignity. Meals on wheels, home help aids, all kinds of things are available. Start with one small thing and give them a chance to get accustomed to it. Then you may find that they're more receptive to accepting more help.

The whole idea of living longer is still relatively new as evidenced by all of us struggling to help our aging parents. But society is making strides in providing services for those who want to stay home. We just have to dig for it.

Good luck to all of us and prayers too.

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#2066084 - 02/25/16 06:35 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
edAudit Offline
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If you try to treat them like your child, I can guarantee all he// is going to break loose. Somehow you have to find a way to let them maintain their dignity and at least think they are making their own decisions even if you're leading them by the hand or handing them the pen to sign the acceptance on the offer to buy their house

You also need to let children have there dignity as well on also takes a child by the hand and helps them with their writing skills.

It is just the way that look at things. Once Parents have kids it is no longer about them. Once the old people get to a certain point it is all about them.

Instead of being tucked in you are now driving an hour to make sure they are ok (tucking them in)

you guide your children to make the right choices and now you guide your parents to make the right choices.

force a child to do something they do not want to do is getting the same outcome as forcing a parent.
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#2066093 - 02/25/16 06:57 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
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Here's the way I think of it: If someone's current home is no longer a safe place for them to live, what's wrong with encouraging them to find a more suitable home? In my case, mom has only lived in her current apartment for 3 years. A year ago she was ready to move back to her former community. For a number of reasons, at that time I encouraged her stay where she was. Now her situation is different - in more ways than one smile

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#2066104 - 02/25/16 07:16 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
HRH Okie Banker Offline
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Oklahoma
Boy, there are a lot of us in this same boat. I'm glad we have this "village" in which to share these experiences.

I'm think that by broaching the subject it at least gets her to thinking. I am going to let her think about that for a while. Perhaps this summer she might be interested in touring a few places to see what is offered.
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#2066120 - 02/25/16 07:50 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
hmdagal Offline
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I agree Okie, make the suggestion, no rush. Eventually she might think it was her idea smile

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#2066128 - 02/25/16 08:15 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Truffle Royale Offline

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hmdagal, have you tried getting her meals on wheels? It's a huge help and a relief to your worry to know that someone is going there regularly when you're at work, etc. I did it when my oldest gran was 5. She loved helping and the people we delivered to loved seeing her and getting a hot meal. Sometimes we'd bump into relatives who would tell us how much it helped to know their family member was fed and moreso that someone was there to make sure everything was ok.

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#2066133 - 02/25/16 08:27 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
edAudit Offline
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FWIW my wife worked in the past for meals on wheels while a great service there were income levels and they do not deliver on weekends only one meal a day but it can be somewhat customized. They did not deliver in nasty weather. I hope that is not the case in your area.
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#2066141 - 02/25/16 08:42 PM Re: Caring for our parents edAudit
RR Sarah Offline
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Up North
I know in my area, there are no income restrictions for meals on wheels. It is a great program. The complex my dad lived in offered meal plans, cafeteria style, or we would have gone the meals on wheels route for him.
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#2066149 - 02/25/16 09:19 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
hmdagal Offline
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Truff, she's not eating much of anything right now. She's got no interest in food. I've cooked for her, brought her food, her sister has offered to cook for her, people from her church have offered to bring her meals and she's turned it all down.

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#2066197 - 02/26/16 01:17 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Skittles Offline
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TN
hmdagal - I believe this is typical. Both of my parents did/do this. Mom will force herself to eat sometimes because she knows she has to - especially to take her medication. There is medication out there to help stimulate an appetite that a doctor can prescribe.
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#2066231 - 02/26/16 02:57 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
doodles Offline
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PA
And if she isn't eating very good have you tried Boost or Ensure so she is at least getting something? We had to try that because my mother in law wasn't eating much at all.

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#2066494 - 02/29/16 02:32 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Skittles Offline
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My mom had a fabulous day on Saturday. Took her to see my son's house for the first time - went to lunch (and she ate every bite) and went to both cemeteries (her parent's and her sister's). She's still raving about the day - and about the chicken fried steak she had for lunch on Saturday.
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#2066542 - 02/29/16 04:21 PM Re: Caring for our parents Truffle Royale
Truffle Royale Offline

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hmdagal, sounds like you're on the brink of needing some medical intervention, which I'm sure you've already thought of. AFter a chat with her doctor, home health care nurse evaluation may be the place to start. Hopefully you have her POA? Here if you need an ear and sending lots of prayers...and ((hugs)) for you too

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