A guy walks into a pet store looking to buy a parrot.

"We have this lovely parrot here," says the owner. "If you pull her left leg, she recites the pledge of allegiance. If you pull her right leg she sings the national anthem."

"What if I pull both legs?" the customer jokes.

"I'll fall on my butt!" replies the parrot.

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

http://nypost.com/2014/08/12/robin-williams-50-greatest-jokes/

May not be work friendly, It is Robin Williams

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

when is your car not a car?

ba dum bump

got that one from my 6 year old ... you're welcome!

A man walks into a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot. He immediately knew he wanted it, but the store owner warned him, "He uses very coarse language and is very aggresive." But the man was certain he could keep it under control.

When he and the parrot arrive at home he proudly shows his wife. The parrot immediately began throwing insults and derogatory remarks to her. Angry, the man removed the parrot from the room and locked it in the closet for the rest of the day.

The next day, he again tried to show off the parrot, this time to his mother. Again the parrot spoke and acted very rude....This behavior continued for days. Finally the man decided he'd return the parrot to the pet store on the next day. But instead of locking the parrot in the closet, he mistakenly placed it in the freezer.

When he realized his mistake he returned and heard screaming and cursing and yelling...but suddenly everything went quiet. He opened the door and parrot looked at him with sorrowful eyes and said, "I would like to apoligize for my behavior and I promise to be a better pet. But I have to know, what did the turkey do?"

A woman wanted to get her husband an unusual gift for their 10th anniversary. She finally decided on a talking parrot, and she found one on Craigslist. The seller warned her, “Look lady, I don’t think you’re going to like this bird very much. He was raised at a gentleman’s club and he really only says inappropriate things.” She said that was okay, and she would probably just have to retrain the bird to talk nicely. He tried to talk her out of it, but she insisted. Besides, the bird was being sold at a good discount, nobody wanted it.

Arriving at home with the parrot, the first thing the bird did was whistle at her suggestively. The lady said that she wouldn’t have any more of that kind of behavior in her house. Later that day, as she put a roast in the oven, the bird squawked, “Lookin’ good, hot stuff!” The lady put her hands on her hips and scolded the bird thoroughly. In the afternoon as she passed by his perch, he again complimented her: “Hey there, sweet thing!” She fussed at him and told him to straighten up his act or he’d have to go back where he came from. Then her husband came home, and the bird squawked, “Hi Michael!”

I needed those laughs. Those are good jokes.

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman all walk up to the bar to get a beer. At the same time a fly lands in each of their beers.

The Englishman pushes his beer aside in disgust.
The Scotsman flicks the fly out of his beer and drinks, saying, "Eh, everything is going to kill you anyway."
The Irishman picks the fly up out of his beer and while holding it by its wings over the beer starts yelling at it. "Spit it out, Spit it out!"

Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.

It could happen!

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”

Teller: “It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”

Obama: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!”

Teller: “Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”

Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

Teller: “I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Obama: “I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day”

Teller: “Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.” “Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”

Obama: Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank…there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing, not a clue.”

Teller: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

What does every Tickle Me Elmo get before he leaves the plant?

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants running through the jungle?

Why did the elephants wear sunglasses?

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants running through the jungle?

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of giraffes in the distance?

What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?

What did Jane say when she saw a herd of elephants in the distance?

Garage Door.

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

This riddle only works when related verbally. Bombs when written.

Thirty cows ... twenty eight chickens ... How many didn't?

10

Guess they're not vegetarians after all.

Yea califgirl! When our youngest son related it to us last weekend I thoughtlessly popped off with "two."

He said he remembered the riddle from early last year while he was still in the Marine Corps and deployed to Afghanistan.

Wow... I never would have gotten that! Thanks for the assist!

Does anyone have any new jokes? Sure could use a laugh today.

Met Ted Vernon (has a TV show on Velocity) in Miami a few weeks ago and he told me a joke:

A mushroom walked into a bar, and the bartender told him, "We don't serve your kind in here."

And the mushroom replied, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

Mental image of Steve Martin: ...wild and crazy guy!

An old man and his old wife have been married for 40 years. Every year for their anniversary, the husband would take his wife to the state fair.
Every year there was a man who offered airplane rides for $10 (it's one of the old prop planes). The elderly man would ask his wife if they could go on the plane, and every year she would say, "Ten dollars is ten dollars, we don't have that money."
This year at the fair, the pilot overheard this and said, "I'll let you both fly for free, but only if you don't scream, talk, or make any noises.
The wife and husband agree and they hop in the plane with the pilot.
They take off and the pilot is listening...not a peep. He begins to do some twists and steep turns...still not a word. Finally he does an aerial flip, but even that didn't make them gasp.
The pilot decides to give up and lands the plane.
He looks at the husband and says, "I pulled every trick in the book, but I guess you both have nerves of steel." "What did you think about the flight?"
The husband replies, "Well, it was certainly what I imagined it would be like, but when my wife fell out of the plane I didn't want to say anything because you know...10 dollars is 10 dollars."